Angel Food (lowfat)

My weight this morning was 157.6; I lost a pound last week.  When I have a week with a loss, I know that I should view that week as a success. However, as usual, I lost that pound the first two days of WW points counting for the week and stalled out over the weekend. (Perhaps “stalled out” is too kind - my weekend dieting can be more like a series of fender benders.) Monday and Tuesday, also as usual, I sputtered through my dieting. I drove along healthily throughout the day, then stalled out while nibbling on cupcakes and Girl Scout cookies late in the evening. 

I think an issue that I need to overcome is my resistance to accepting a lifestyle change. I’m not comfortable with my life as it is, with its size 12 jeans and evening boredom; yet, I’ve not committed to making the necessary changes to lose weight and feel energized again. Why is that? Probably because my life the way it is now is easy. If I really committed to getting back down to a size 8, then I’d have to put in real effort. I’d feel hungry from eating less. I’d feel sore from exercising more. But, I’d probably feel better about myself. 

I don’t yet know how this week is going to go. I’d like to be optimistic and say I’ll be a perfect points counter and hit the gym 4 times. But, I just don’t now that I can make that promise. Instead, maybe I’ll focus on one major change - weekend points counting. Usually, somewhere around 5pm Friday, I put my food diary in my bag and don’t dig it out again until Monday morning. This weekend, I’ll be faithful about counting every point I eat. I’ve still got a few days to psych myself up for this challenge. I think this small strategy could make a big difference in curbing my sputters and stalls until my next Wednesday a.m. weigh in.

After a couple weeks of being particularly undisciplined with my weight loss, I’m trying to get back on my plan today. I’m doing the Weight Watchers thing - 21 points a day with 35 flex points a week. It’s so hard. I am really hungry and am having trouble not thinking about food. Unfortunately, I also have this little ounce or two of self doubt in my head that I will never be able to follow the points plan to the T. You see, despite losing 75 lbs on the plan once, I was never really successful at it. That is, I never, ever once just ate the prescribed amount of points. I always went over by a few each week - and I still lost weight.

Since then, though, I’ve gained between 20-25 lbs back (depending on the weigh in). When I decided to stop gaining and tried the points plan again over the past year, I always went much more than a few points over - I’m talking I was going over something like 30 points a week. Gee, wonder why I’m having trouble losing weight? I’m having trouble accepting hunger as a normal state of being and with having energy while dieting.

Hunger and depleted energy levels don’t help, but self doubt seems to be my biggest problem. I’ve been able to maintain easily between 153 and 158 lbs without paying attention to what I’m eating. I’ve been wondering, is staying below 153 maintainable for me? Also, is the WW flex plan really doable for me? Perhaps, more importantly, am I confident enough to pull of my skinny jeans again?

The answer to the first two questions is, I’m pretty sure, “yes.” Reaching my goal weight of 135 via flex plan is doable - I did it before. Although I didn’t maintain as well as I’d like, once I was determined to stop my weight gain, I’ve been able to maintain my weight pretty well. As for the confidence question - that’s definitely the million dollar question. I hope to be able to answer “yes” one day. I want to feel good in my body. At 135, I didn’t, and it was a shame. It wasn’t too long before I started gaining weight. Now, I’m feeling pudgy and soft again. I’ve slacked on my New Year’s resolution of working out. I’m starting to be out of breath on certain flights of stairs. I don’t feel as attractive around my fiance as I’d like to. I figure, I can either bury my hopes for a healthier body. Or, I can choose to feel motivated by them and do something to feel better physically while I work on my self confidence. So… flex points counting it will be for me.

Briefly — here is my weigh in update for the past couple weeks –

 Feb 6: 160.0 lbs   Feb 13: 158.6 lbs

My weigh in day is changed to Wednesday for the forty days of Lent. I’m incorporating flex points counting into my Lenten disciplines. My first week was not good, prompting this post. I definitely fell off the points counting wagon on the weekend. It looks like a good weight loss, I know, but it really isn’t. I totally pigged out on Mardi Gras, which skewed the weigh in on Feb 6. I was down to 158 by Friday, but then didn’t lose anymore…

Thanks for whoever’s reading my ramblings. If you have any tips for keeping up a high energy level while points counting/dieting, I’d appreciate what you have to say! Also, any suggestions on how to deal with the hunger?

Ok - weekly weigh-in time. Blessedly, I weighed 156.2 Monday morning - a loss of 2.8 lbs last week. I’ve embraced using my food journal as a weight loss tool. Reflecting on the week, I feel like I might be made up of sodium phosphates and maltodextrin. I’m still in the easy trap of heating up a frozen diet meal for lunch during busy workdays. I recognize that I need to step away from my desk, stop buying cheap meals, and eat something healthy away from email, phones, and coworkers.

Journaling my food intake has been eye opening for me in another way. Although I claim not to be a “bread person”, apparently I’m quite the lover of refined flour products. A cracker here, a cookie there, and suddenly I’ve eaten more bread products  than anything else. I had somewhat of a biscuit fetish last week, making an otherwise annoying 45 minute commute quite pleasant with a cup of coffee and a home baked biscuit (or two). I’m not talking frozen or fast food biscuits here - I kneaded these myself! They were delicious with honey from my grandpa-in-law-to-be’s farm. Alas, biscuits in all their refined white flour glory are now a weekend treat for me. So, strategies for the remaining few days until my next weigh in are cutting back on refined flour products (I’ll concentrate on the whole grains later), eating more whole foods, continue writing in my food diary, and recording my WW points.

Also, perhaps most importantly, I’ve been more open with family and friends in my life about wanting to lose some of the weight I’ve gained. Opening up has made me much more accountable for what I’m putting in my body and what I’m doing to be more active. I thought it would be embarrassing to be honest. But, the feedback I’ve been receiving has been amazing. One woman at work even called me an “inspiration to us all.” At times when I feel like I’m pudgier and more sluggish than I need to be, those words sure sound sweet.

I’m too chicken to post my daily food diary on-line, but I’ve been very faithful the past few days recording what I eat, assigning accurate WW point values, and sticking to my points allotment. I’m remembering why I ultimately have been pretty successful on the points system - you really can eat “anything you want” and you learn reasonable portion sizes. One thing that can be tricky about counting points is that it is easier to rely on highly processed foods than to prepare fresh food because, in the U.S., processed foods have  nutrition info printed on their packages.  Looking at my food diary, I’m dismayed to realize that processed foods have been my primary sustenance these past few days. 

That said, I’m adding to my 2008 resolutions list. Currently, the list is two items long: (1) Be more active and (2) Communicate better with my sweetie (i.e., tell him when I’m upset).  My new item is (3) Eat fewer processed foods. (3) will take some work - I’ve got some groceries to eat my way through first. I want to be a good steward of my resources, so I refuse to throw away the refrigerated egg rolls I bought. (I was lured by the promise that they were pretty tasty and “only two points a piece!” I found them filling but soggy and incredibly salty. I’ll do my best to choke them down for one more meal.) I also will start working on new recipes that are healthy yet whole-food based. I’m looking forward to the return of fresh produce from a local community supported farm - the Davis Farms CSA in Roberta, GA. I’ll probably go visit my wonderful little brother more often, as he lives near a fabulous whole foods-minded grocery - the Dekalb Farmer’s Market. Finally, I plan to coax my parents into sharing a vegetable garden with me this spring and summer. With sleet forecasted for this afternoon, perhaps I’m crazy to be thinking about planting something. But, how wonderful it is to think that by mid-March, I might be ready to run a 5K and eating home-grown buttercrunch lettuce.

Ok. My weight went up again this past week to 159.0. I wish I could innocently say, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!” But, I can’t. I know exactly what I’m doing wrong. I am eating too much food. My food diary isn’t helping me to keep the amount of what I eat in check the way I thought it would. I’m contemplating rejoining Weight Watchers online for a month to see if that will get me back into eating reasonably again. But, I hate to pay money to the program when I know how it works. grrr…

I’ve taken a few breaths now and feel more calm.  

I recognize that while I’ve been dedicating myself to eating better foods and making better choices (this past week’s Mexican food, notwithstanding),  I haven’t been dedicating myself to really “watching” what I eat. This week, I’m making it my goal to be mindful of how much, not just what, I’m eating. What was it that Round said several posts back? Eating to satisfy is much different than eating what one desires. When something tastes really, really good, I desire more of it. But, to achieve my health goals, then I need eat only what will satisfy me.

Last night, I gave into a major craving for seasoned fast food curly fries and roast beef sandwich. Before I bought the food, I told myself that I didn’t need it, that it would make me feel awful physically and emotionally, and that better choices are out there. Still, I gave in.

And, I was right. By the time the food was digesting,  I felt physically ill. This morning I woke up with a headache and stomachache. To make matters worse, I weighed in at 157.8 lbs. Feeling bad, I called in sick to work. Then, I nearly had a melt down. All of the old emotions that used to keep me in bed came rushing back. I beat myself up over last night’s dinner and this morning’s weigh in. I was depressed that I lost a net of only .2 lbs in 2007. I kept telling myself how idiotic I was to still be in bed, presenting worst case scenarios to myself, all basically boiling down to - “i’ll lose my job and ruin my life.”

Then, I did something I never used to do, I reached out for a dose of sanity. The sanity check came from my lovely fiancee. I love him for not being too easy or too hard on me. He told me he loved me but also said that I need to stay in the game emotionally at work. He helped to see that I could move on, that this little 3 hour episode didn’t need to define how my day would go, much less my entire life. And, he jolted me into reality by outlining how, if I don’t stay in the game, then, yes, my life really could get pretty screwed up.

So, drive into work I did. At work, I finally realized the connection to my feeling bad this morning to the junk food that I ate last night. Last night, I was making the 5 1/2 hour drive back from my fiancee’s house to my house. I was sad to be leaving him and fearful of all that we’ll have to face this year. I was annoyed that I’m not where I want to be in my career and in my weight loss. When the thought of curly fries popped in my head, a messed up part of me thought, “they’ll make me feel better.” Intelligently, I knew that they wouldn’t. Emotionally, I didn’t want anything else to eat but the fries (I bought the roast beef on a whim). After I ate, I stayed mad at myself all night and part of today because I let the messed up emotional side overtake the healthy rational side of how I approach eating.

My eating still hasn’t quite returned to normal. I snacked on carbs all day and ate pizza for dinner. Also, I forgot to bring my workout clothes to work with me, so there was no gym for me today. But, I am not despairing as I was earlier. I’m feeling hopeful, like this is just a normal lull after the sweet, sweet highs of last week. Already this afternoon I took steps to get on track at work. Tomorrow, I’ll simply eat better than I did today.

My life has taken a definite upswing from my last little bit of 3FC posting - I’m now engaged! My pilot boyfriend asked me to take a walk at a small airport in rural Georgia (the US state, not the country). We like to stroll on the taxiway and look at the stars, although usually we do this in the summer, not the winter. The proposal was perfect, although it involved a visit from the local police and the Georgia state patrol! My boyfriend managed to convince the police officers that we really were having a sweet little walk, not trying to steal an airplane or do anything too sexy on the runway. And, along our little walk my boyfriend became my fiancee. Hooray!  Below is a pic of my future hubby and me taken the night we got engaged.

My pilot proposed by asking me what my new year’s resolutions are. My main health goal is to be more active this year. Note: I did not say “Wear a Single Digit wedding dress” or “Weigh 135 lbs again.” I wouldn’t be complaining if either of those things happen. However, I want to make real changes in my lifestyle, not just reach some temporary point that may or may not be sustainable. I’ve always wanted to be the type of person who does rock climbing, surfing, teach yoga, etc. But, I’ve honestly never put any real energy into being this active. So, now I’m really, really going to try. So far, so good; I ran yesterday evening and plan to do yoga tonight. Meanwhile, I’ll still keep track of my weight, maintain my food diary, and be a faithful 3fc blogger because these are good tools for me to watch how I’m doing.

Here’s to 2008  - the year of the active me! 

It’s funny, I’ve looked in the mirror the past couple days and thought, “Boy, I do look pretty.” There can be an amazing transformation in one’s face when there’s so much less stress in life… My greenish brown eyes are shining again, and I’m back to a peaches and cream, rather than slightly grayish, coloration in my face.

Flush with joy from ending the semester, I have let my dieting slip up a bit week. I don’t just mean that I have eaten too much (although I have); really, I’ve just not paid much attention to what I have eaten. So, now I want to spread the joy to my plate and eat tasty, healthy things. I’m visiting my boyfriend this weekend, a time that could be a minefield of unhealthy food. But, I’m going with my food notebook in hand as a motivating tool. Really, I don’t want to look back on Monday morning and see “biscuits and gravy” as one of my meals. Wouldn’t “sea bass en papillote” look, not to mention taste, so much better?

I survived finals week, although my diet has been waaaaack-y these past few days. I was so busy working on assignments yesterday that I forgot to eat until the evening. By 6pm I was starving. I’m proud to say that I ate fairly reasonably yesterday night, despite my utter lack of food for the day. And, I needed to be reasonable after eating two meals of Mexican food earlier this week. (My body paid dearly for those meals…)

 The most terrific news of the week is that I am finished with my finals! I am but one class away from graduating next semester, and the class I’m registering for should be a piece of cake. (Speaking of cake, I had a piece of Burnt Caramel Cake this afternoon. It was worth the calories, especially with a good cup of coffee.) I have not yet figured out just what I will do with my evenings free. I know I must return to the gym, but tonight I don’t want to do anything more strenuous than about half an hour of yoga.

To use an American Southernism I feel “all stoved up” from finals this week. My body could use a good stretching. Perhaps tonight I will dust off a yoga DVD and ease back into working out. I recognize that, despite losing pounds, I have lost pretty much all muscle tone this past semester. Now that my school commitments have abated, I want to come up with a do-able work out schedule. Yoga is the one exercise I truly love to do, and I do it well. (I have my eye on a regular Monday night yoga class.) But, I also need to strengthen my legs to help with an old knee injury, I’d like toned arms and abs, and I know that my heart needs cardio. How does a working person fit in all of these types of activities without them becoming her only hobbies? Also, how do I do all the exercises that my body needs without ending up exhausted and decrepit feeling? Just some questions to the blogging ether…

This morning I weighed 154.4. I’m down 1.6 lbs from my last weigh in a week ago. I did pretty well diet-wise this week, eating very healthily at the start of the week (homemade eggplant salad and a chickpea stew). The end of the week wasn’t the healthiest, but I watched my portions well. I’ve been busy so my blogs have taken a back seat. However, knowing that I’d be blogging my weight today kept me motivated throughout the week.

Finals week is upon me, stirring up lots of old issues. One of the reasons I dropped out of college when I was younger was that I was so plaqued with thoughts of failure. (Failure, for me, was anything less than an “A.”) I would procrastinate and procrastinate until I was overwhelmed by work. I often slept my way through finals week, telling myself I’d study in bed. But, I always just fell asleep. I’m not overwhelmed with exhaustion and depression as I was when I was younger, but it is taxing to still be fighting the old fears.  

I don’t mean to wallow. I realize how boring it is to read someone else’s wallowing blog entry. It’s just that I’ve been tired lately from trying so hard to maintain my 4.0 in school, to remain close with my boyfriend who lives in a different state, and to lose weight with everything else going on… I know this state of being is only temporary. My finals will be over tomorrow afternoon, and I will then be only one class away from graduating in May (13 years after finishing high school!).  Tomorrow night, I’ll be able to get to sleep at a decent hour and wake up for a regular day at work. Things I’ve been putting off as I worked on my final projects, like yoga, a job search, Christmas preparations, etc., will fill up my evenings. Soon enough, my wheels will stop spinning and I’ll start moving forward again.