Angel Food (lowfat)

I had a strange little weekend in Florida these past few days. My pilot, his dad, and I had planned to go to the beach (my double-digit sized tankini be darned), but the mean Navy scheduler decided that my fiancé couldn’t have the day off after all. So, my darling pilot-in-training cursed and went flying with an embittered instructor pilot (who, no lie, started the flight by saying, “I’d rather be with my kids right now than flying with you”) while my future father-in-law and I spent the day together at the beach.

I love my FFIL, but he can be an annoyingly randy old man. He’s not creepy toward me (well, there was that one time he drunk dialed me), but he’s the kind of man who admits to watching Sandra Lee Semi-Homemade simply because “she’s stacked.” Yeah. One of those men. I still haven’t quite figured out how he spawned my lovely husband to be.

Before hitting the beach, FFIL and I lunched at one of those tourist trap restaurants that dot the Gulf Coast. Our waitress blessedly steered us away from all of the fried seafood, suggesting that we try a grilled Amberjack sandwich for lunch. It was truly the best piece of grilled fish I’ve ever had and totally worth sitting through a day with the FFIL checking out women half his age. After lunch, I did my best to enjoy my time with said FFIL and not drown in the red flag surf. We got absolutely pounded by the waves. I’m usually an ocean gal, but it was stressful constantly bracing ourselves against the whitecaps breaking over our heads. Somehow, even with all the beautiful women on the beach, I managed to avoid freaking out about being in a bathing suit. Until, that is, my FFIL decided to take some photos of me jumping over the waves. I saw myself in a picture and thought, “dear Lord, where is my muscle tone?”

It was such a frustration to look at pictures of myself and still feel so dissatisfied with my image. Immediately, my thoughts turned to scrambling for my cover up, never eating again, or just eating everything because darn-it I have made no progress dieting in the past year and a half. But, I realized that I couldn’t let my frustration morph into desperation. You know the desperation I’m referring to? The one that means eating an itty bitty dinner because it’s low in calories, only to see your diet melt into a hungry puddle of butter later in the evening?

So, despite being unhappy with the state of my flabby midsection and arms, I didn’t eat a grilled chicken salad for dinner.  No, I ate quite lovely grilled steak and shrimp kebabs. I also ate a little bread (just a little), a little rice, and most of my grilled veggies. I even drank a non-light beer. I felt satisfied and not over full. I repeated the same dining process on Saturday and Sunday, refusing to think about dieting, instead thinking about enjoying my meals. I ate what I wanted, and not too much of it, and I lost 1.5 lbs this weekend. Perhaps this is how thin people eat?

Really, it probably won’t be too long until someone publishes a book called “The Salmonella Diet.” I’m finally recovering, after being on said “diet” for about a week and a half. I can absolutely, guarantee you that the salmonella diet will help you lose 6 lbs in 6 days - without exercise, and you won’t even feel hungry!!!!  

Seriously, food poisoning sucks. I’m finally through with all my antibiotics and am hoping that my GI system will be normal sometime soon. I’m finally eating again and will be thrilled to never again drink another electrolyte laced sports beverage, if I can help it.

I realize I’ve not given an update here on my headache/weird CT scan issues. Well, apparently my head isn’t perfectly normal, but there’s nothing for me to be worrying about, either. For now, my primary physician is going to keep treating me for migraines and tension headaches. I’m glad to report that I’ve not had a migraine for a few weeks, and yoga is helping me to manage my tension. Thanks to everyone for the good thoughts and prayers when I visited the neurosurgeon. He was kind and cute, but I’m happy not to ever have to see him again!

Now that all of my random health issues seem to be resolving themselves, I’m looking forward to getting healthy and stronger for my impending nuptials. My pilot-in-training fiance and I still haven’t been able to set a wedding date, but we’re getting close. Within a month, we should be setting the date. Today is the first time in a while that I’ve looked at my wedding planning materials, fave web sites, magazine clippings, etc. I’m actually so excited to be venturing forth toward the wedding, but I’m not yet close to my health goals.

My goal to be more active this year has gone no where. After a fabulous weekend with my pilot, I realize that I want us to be an active, healthy couple together. But, it will be hard for us to be an active couple if we’re not active individuals. An old friend I’ve recently reconnected with on facebook has inspired me to get back into my yoga practice. Yoga helps me to be stronger and better balanced, both physically and spiritually. Even after just two practices this past week, I feel better. I hope to find something cardio-wise that makes me feel as good as yoga does. Swimming, stadium steps, zumba? Oh, what will be the answer to my cardio questions? Stay tuned as I try to find out this summer!

I have allowed things to get kind of topsy-turvy for myself lately. I’ve been suffering bad headaches now for several months. A couple weeks ago, my doctor diagnosed me hormonal migraines, prescribed some medicine, and had me undergo a CAT scan just to rule out something else. Since that visit, I suffered for several days with the absolute worst headache of my life, searing pain for about 12 hours followed by 48 hours of a constant dull throb. The meds I had been prescribed did nothing to alleviate my pain. Finally, my scan results came in this week and, the “something else” couldn’t be ruled out; so now I’m set to see a neurosurgeon.

I wish I can say that I approached this health issue with grace, holding on with a deep faith and optimism. But, I’m afraid I haven’t. I found myself withdrawing from  family and friends and stuffing myself with crap food. Normally, I don’t go near a fast food place, yet I ate several full meals from value menus this past week. I felt sluggish and unmotivated all week, even losing my running shoes for a few days. I gained a few pounds, but honestly didn’t care at all that I’d undone my good progress from the past month.

I sort of had an awakening on Thursday, though, after having lunch with a wonderful former professor of mine. Now that I’m graduated, we are moving from a professor/student relationship to a friendship; I still see her as a mentor, and I think she’s comfortable interacting in that role with me. She sympathized about my anxiety over this new health thing, but she also gave me a little kick in the pants. She helped me realize that I’ve been feeling sorry for myself and had sort of shut down.

Since Thursday, slowly but surely my faith and optimism have been restored. I absolutely want to live my life being exactly who I want to be, relinquishing the things I don’t have control over to God, to others, to the ether, whatever, and making the choices that I can make to live more happily. Today, I’m planning several healthy meals for the week using ripe fruits and vegetables of the season, a canteloupe  sorbet and a corn chowder, just to name a few. Also, I’m thinking about starting a new food blog (lack of experience be darned!).

Thanks to everyone who commented on my last blog post. As I’ve learned over the past week and a half, fear is not an effective motivator. How much better it is to live with a postive outlook, incorporating joy and good health into everyday living.

Did anyone else see the episode of Oprah yesterday that featured folks who have lost a massive amount of weight? I don’t usually watch her show and her new-age-i-ness makes me cringe, but I happened to be sick at home yesterday and caught the show on “Weight Loss Heroes and Sheroes.” It was cool, even occasionally inspiring, to see so many people who’ve done well with their weight loss. Still, I have to say that I was a wee bit disappointed in the show. I would have enjoyed seeing fewer people with more time spent on their stories - not in a Dr. Phil way, but in a way that honors the complexities of emotions and experiences that people have as they are losing weight. I’m not arguing with the truths that careful dieting and exercise are the keys to losing weight. But, I would have liked to hear more of the people’s stories: How did family and friends react to their weight loss? At what point did they experience plateaus? What did they do to push through the hunger, through the days when they just wanted to give up? Instead, Oprah seemed more focused on trotting out the formerly fat, asking them their “breaking point”, and asking “what is your secret?” I don’t want to sound like I’m totally hatin’ on Oprah; mainly, I just think she tried to cram too much into one show.

One thing that did really strike me as I watched was something one of the guests (or maybe it was Bob Greene?) said. It was mentioned that if you have a void to fill, you can’t expect that void to be magically filled just by reaching your goal weight; if the void is still there, you most likely won’t be successful at maintaining your goal weight. Certainly, those statements are true for me. For much of my life I was obese, about 50 lbs heavier than I should have been. My “breaking point” is related to my going on a hiking trip with an ex boyfriend and being mortified when I couldn’t make it back up a steep climb. I was being lapped by toddlers and the elderly! After that trip I was determined to start a weight loss program but didn’t do anything for a few weeks. When I saw the pictures from that trip, however, I didn’t recognize myself in the photos, was horribly embarrassed by how I looked, and immediately signed up for Weight Watchers.

Being “horribly embarrassed” motivated me to lose weight, which was great, but I never did work on truly filling my void. Instead, I told myself that I’d no longer be embarrassed, that I’d be wonderfully attractive and happy, when I reached my goal weight. I happened to hit my goal weight of 135 lbs the same day that I met my future husband. It was the happiest day of my life up until that point, but then a terrible thing happened. The first year I dated Andy, a fear took hold of me. That fear told me that, if I gained weight, Andy wouldn’t be attracted to me and I wouldn’t deserve his affection. My fear nearly broke us as a couple, and it caused me to gain 25 lbs the first year I dated him. Eventually, I realized what was going on, and I was able to stop the craziness and maintain my weight (going on Synthroid for hypothyroidism also helped some - although my doctor says no one can attribute more than about a 10lb gain from the disease alone). Of course, my fears about Andy were totally unfounded. He says he never noticed that I gained weight (he’s either really unobservant or really sweet), and since we’re engaged I now feel very silly for thinking that I’d suddenly be horribly unattractive to him.

So - where does Oprah and “filling a void” fit into all this? Well, mostly my void is formed by feeling that I am somehow undeserving. Of what, exactly? Of almost anything good. I’m a smart gal (I’m not afraid to be bold about that), but still I often felt like an imposter in school. I felt like I made A’s not because I was deserving of them but because the work was simply “too easy.” I avoided relationships with guys entirely because I didn’t feel deserving of them. The couple times I did happen into a relationship, I spent the whole time thinking that the guy must have something wrong with him for loving me. In weight loss, I never felt like I deserved to be 135 lbs; somehow, I was still the 210 lb girl fitting into size 6 jeans. Now, as I’m actively counting WW points and working out regularly again, I’m also going to work on the deserving part. I’m going to try to really let the good things that are said about me soak in. I’m going to dust off my Bible, bypass the scary Old Testament prophets, and go straight to all the good bits about how much God loves us. And, I’m going to stare my void in the face and start throwing little pebbles of deservingness into it.

 (BTW - wound up losing 4 lbs last week.)

I wound up not cooking one single meal last week. I was too busy organizing a black tie event, preparing for trustee meetings, and working on 3 different grant proposals to do meal planning, much less preparation. I’m lucky to live near my parents right now, so I took advantage of my parents’ kindness and ate with them a couple nights. For the rest of the week, I relied on catering from work and takeout Chinese food. By Saturday, I didn’t even feel hungry.

After a stressful week at work, this weekend has felt downright luxurious. I’ve been catching up on cooking magazines and planning some yummy meals. Today, I finally made the Chinese Chicken Salad  from Weight Watchers that I mentioned in my last post. The recipe is a fine way to use up leftover rotisserie chicken. Using lowfat instead of nonfat mayo was a good choice, despite the extra couple points it added per serving. The salad was nicely creamy from the mayo and crunchy from the vegetables, all in one bite. However, the recipe isn’t quite a homerun - it can be fresher tasting. If I make this again, I might use half yogurt and half mayo, add some squirts of lime juice, and throw in some chopped mint to brighten the flavor. However, I don’t want to dissuade anyone from trying the recipe as  it is written. I’m not usually a big fan of Weight Watcher’s recipes, but this chicken salad made for a satisfying spring lunch.

Later tonight, I’m going to make salmon with orange and fennel. Sundays in the kitchen just perk up my soul!

Today has been quite the day for getting things done for me. I overcame procrastination and accomplished several languishing projects at work. I immediately set to cleaning house as soon as I got in from work. Then, I started a pot of vegetable soup (Barbara Kafka’s recipe) and planted tomato seedlings while the soup simmered. I figured, why rest on my laurels when I’m on such a roll? So, I pulled out my laptop and rejoined Weight Watchers online.

The timing of my return to WW has a lot to do with my upswing back to 159 lb and with two friends of mine admitting that they’re both working hard on their weight. My roommate H has lost 12 lbs in the last few weeks, mostly due to heart break (such a sad way to lose). She put on a maddening 30 lbs while dating a guy who didn’t deserve her. Although the first post-break-up week she could barely eat she was so sad, now she’s focusing on losing weight in a healthy way (exercising, cutting down fastfood, sweets and soda, etc). Also, a close friend of mine has joined WW, losing about 7 lbs in 3 weeks. Not too shabby! With two people I’m close to dieting, I’ll have the support I need to withstand the hunger pangs that come with only eating 21 points a day. Plus, H and I have starting walking together and doing goofy ab workouts on exercise balls.

I have a few goals in mind as I rejoin weight Watchers. I’d like to get down to 140; nineteen lbs seems doable. I have a black tie event next month; it sure would feel nice to buy a size 10 dress instead of a size 12. Of course, I also have a wedding sometime in the next year! Actually, it’s the honeymoon I want to look good for. I want to have the confidence to lay on the beach beside my husband without wishing the whole time that I could cover myself up. My sweet man says I look great now, but I know that I can be better - stronger, healthier, and even more lovely.

My perspective on life has been quite different lately, and somehow losing weight has been easier. Because of the events of the past few weeks, I’ve become a kinder person - to others and to myself. Since this is supposed to be a weight loss blog, I’ll write a bit about the kindness to me. I’ve tried to embrace behaviors and actions that give me more energy. That means turning out the tv or putting away my reading (or blogging) earlier than usual so I can settle into sleep easier. I’ve been a breakfast eating fool, too; I dug out Round’s recipe for muesli from a while back  (wish I could find that post of hers to link here). I’ve made a few substitutions using what I have on hand (e.g. pepitas/pumpkin seeds instead of almonds), and I eat a nice, filling portion of it with yogurt to start my day.

Probably the biggest change is that I’m trying to make good choices about what I eat, “noticing” rather than “focusing on” how I feel while dining. I’m thinking about my satiety level while I’m eating, instead of regretting the “I’m stuffed” feeling laer. Also, I’m not letting myself get bored in life. I’m keeping myself focused on the work in front of me, instead of stressing about what’s left to be done. While relaxing, I’m experience things that I really enjoy rather than watching any old TV show and putting random snacks in my mouth. Eating larger meals and then keeping boredom at bay have cut way down on my snacking these past few weeks. I’ve also embraced the reality I can get by on far, far smaller amounts of food than was the norm for me. Now, when I feel hungry between meals I drink a glass of milk, or eat a popsicle, or a couple bites of chocolate, and then I’m fine. Today I had an amazing breakthrough - I ate a normal portion of Lays potato chips. (We live near a Frito Lay factory, and I swear our chips are better than anywhere else because they are so fresh.) A month ago, I’d have gone back for a couple more handfuls of chips.

Counterintuitively, I’ve been more energetic since I’ve been eating less. However, what I’m not doing is starving myself. I’m trying not to let myself get to the point that I’m hungry enough to eat any old crap that is put on a plate in front of me. Surprisingly, I’ve lost 5 lbs in the last couple weeks without even trying very hard. I feel like I’ve had quite the breakthrough. This all sounds so hokey, but it’s really been working for me. And, I’m a “do what works for now” kind of gal.

Hope all the other 3fc’ers are enjoying their lives this week!

It’s odd how one’s perspective can change in a few moments, but it is no hyperbole to say that a few seconds this previous week have changed me forever. This past Tuesday morning on my way to work, I ran into a telephone pole while driving at about 40 mph. People don’t usually survive such accidents, slamming head on into telephone poles. Somehow, I did, and relatively unscathed at that. I was multi-tasking while driving, talking to my fiance on my cell phone and reaching for my travel mug of coffee. Stupid, I know, but rather normal behavior for me. As a result, my poor fiance heard the entire terrifying crash as I lost control of my vehicle and wrecked. I was stunned, in a lot of pain, but suffered no major injuries.

As I was crashing, I was overcome with a prayer, “God, I’m not done with my life yet. Please let me live.” I’ve not served God like I really want to. I’ve not been appreciating my friends and family enough. Ashamed as I am to admit it, I have been thoroughly self involved lately. That I can get downright obsessive over a few ounces on a scale is proof that my priorities are a bit out of whack.

The first person who came to my aid after my crash was a seventeen year old girl. I was touched by how she had unselfishly ran out the door into the freezing cold, no coat or shoes on, still in her pajamas, to help. She knew somone needed help, and she didn’t stop to think about her own basic needs first. How can I be more like her? What can I do to help others? I’m asking myself these questions and still searching for the answers. It is probably true that there is no one answer for each question. Done in the right spirit, probably there are a million things I can do each day to be more like the good samaritan who helped me.

My fiance was able to come into town this weekend to be with me and to help me purchase a new car. He commented how I have been changed by the accident. Things I would have worried about a week ago aren’t bothering me now. It is as if  I am seeing my family, fiance, friends, and coworkers again for the first time. Their love has been incredible, and I hope to be worthy of it.

A friend of mine, who is a recovering alcoholic, likes to quote this line from the Big Book: “insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting different results.” Following that definition, my dieting lately has been insane. I keep doing the same things over and over, and then I’m upset when I lose only a few ounces each week. Some of my habits are good. For instance, I have been writing everything down faithfully into my food diary, even during the weekend when I went way beyond my remaining flex points. I’ve also been trying to make healthier food choices (this morning, I forewent [?] the cheese danish at work for a half of a whole wheat bagel). Also, I’ve been honest and forthright with people about the fact that I’m dieting again. But that’s about it for healthy, sane diet behaviors for me.

So, what are some of my insane diet behaviors? Primarily, going totally bust on my food points. Additionally, I bring my workout clothes with me everywhere I go, yet never seem to make it to the gym. Another insane behavior of mine is that I weigh myself every single day (sometimes twice or more) as some sort of not very helpful motivation. Clearly, three weeks into Lenten discipline of points counting, I need some sort of dieting intervention.

I’m staring down my Wednesday weigh in tomorrow with dread. I want different results tomorrow than I’ve had in past weeks; realistically, I know that I won’t weigh any less this week. The good news is, tomorrow is the start of another weight watching week for me. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that things will be different this week. I’m finally mad enough about not seeing any progress with my weight loss to change some of my insane behaviors. My absolute number one behavior change has got to be sticking with the Weight Watchers flex points plan. I’ve chosen the plan as my weight loss tool. It makes no sense for me to be writing every morsel of my meals into my food diary for no good reason, no good results. Additionally, I commit to 3 short cardio sessions this week. These work outs probably won’t spur much weight loss; however, getting into the habit of working out is a very sane behavior that I want to incorporate into my life.

My AA friend tells me that no one can get sober until they decide that they’ve had enough, until they decide to make a change. I’m so tired of doing the same things over and over, knowing all along that I’m not doing what I need to do to be healthy. May this be my “enough” moment, the moment that I believe that I can be restored to sanity.

So, this is the exact time in my Wed-Tues weight loss week when things start to go south. Usually, about this time, I put away my food diary into my work bag only to sheepishly dig it out when I go to work on Monday morning with a food hangover. I’m determined this weekend to keep my food diary handy - I’ve tucked it into the outer pocket of my purse (instead of sticking it deep into my work bag). I suppose some will think it odd that my chic little black purse has a green note pad hanging out of it; honestly, I don’t care. I need to journal my food points faithfully this weekend, and I’m thinking this strategy will keep the food diary on the forefront of  my mind.

Looking ahead to the next few days, it will be a veritable minefield of diet-busters.  My mom, sister, and I are heading to Atlanta to go wedding dress shopping this afternoon.  (Ok - so that’s not diet busting, just a fun thing I’m up to today.) Then, we’re having dinner (potential diet-buster here) with my brother and his new lady friend. Tomorrow, I’m making the six hour excursion down to Florida for my fiance’s birthday. So, not only do I have to avoid the road food along the way (my favorite being fried peach pie and candied pecans at a farmer’s market), but I also need to watch my portions during the birthday meal. I’ve no idea what the meal will be. If I cook at home, I can whip up a nice recipe from Cooking Light that no one has to know is low-cal/low-fat; but, most likely, we’ll go out with friends to an Italian place where a low-cal portion is basically 1/4 serving of a meal. If Italian it is, I’ll try to avoid the garlic bread and be satisfied with a glass of wine and a half serving of pasta with marinara (perhaps stealing a bite or two of the birthday boy’s dessert).

I’m really, really, looking forward to following up here on Monday with my progress over the weekend. I’m so tired of feeling like the weekend is “not good” because I’ve overeaten. This weekend, I’m going to try to watch what I eat but also remember that good/bad aren’t necessarily determined by my caloric intake. May all of you out there have a “good weekend” (no matter how you define it)!