Angel Food (lowfat)

Last night, I gave into a major craving for seasoned fast food curly fries and roast beef sandwich. Before I bought the food, I told myself that I didn’t need it, that it would make me feel awful physically and emotionally, and that better choices are out there. Still, I gave in.

And, I was right. By the time the food was digesting,  I felt physically ill. This morning I woke up with a headache and stomachache. To make matters worse, I weighed in at 157.8 lbs. Feeling bad, I called in sick to work. Then, I nearly had a melt down. All of the old emotions that used to keep me in bed came rushing back. I beat myself up over last night’s dinner and this morning’s weigh in. I was depressed that I lost a net of only .2 lbs in 2007. I kept telling myself how idiotic I was to still be in bed, presenting worst case scenarios to myself, all basically boiling down to - “i’ll lose my job and ruin my life.”

Then, I did something I never used to do, I reached out for a dose of sanity. The sanity check came from my lovely fiancee. I love him for not being too easy or too hard on me. He told me he loved me but also said that I need to stay in the game emotionally at work. He helped to see that I could move on, that this little 3 hour episode didn’t need to define how my day would go, much less my entire life. And, he jolted me into reality by outlining how, if I don’t stay in the game, then, yes, my life really could get pretty screwed up.

So, drive into work I did. At work, I finally realized the connection to my feeling bad this morning to the junk food that I ate last night. Last night, I was making the 5 1/2 hour drive back from my fiancee’s house to my house. I was sad to be leaving him and fearful of all that we’ll have to face this year. I was annoyed that I’m not where I want to be in my career and in my weight loss. When the thought of curly fries popped in my head, a messed up part of me thought, “they’ll make me feel better.” Intelligently, I knew that they wouldn’t. Emotionally, I didn’t want anything else to eat but the fries (I bought the roast beef on a whim). After I ate, I stayed mad at myself all night and part of today because I let the messed up emotional side overtake the healthy rational side of how I approach eating.

My eating still hasn’t quite returned to normal. I snacked on carbs all day and ate pizza for dinner. Also, I forgot to bring my workout clothes to work with me, so there was no gym for me today. But, I am not despairing as I was earlier. I’m feeling hopeful, like this is just a normal lull after the sweet, sweet highs of last week. Already this afternoon I took steps to get on track at work. Tomorrow, I’ll simply eat better than I did today.