Angel Food (lowfat)

Have you heard the one about the girl who ate nearly all of her Weight Watchers flex points in one day, and had nearly six days left before her points started over again? Not a funny joke, isn’t it? We’re not all points counters, I realize, but my guess is that many 3fc’ers can relate. Yesterday was one of those days for me. I went along swimmingly with my points counting until a bag of chips appeared in my office’s kitchen. There are not many foods I completely avoid, but I have a hard time resisting the salty crunch of chips. I had a bunch yesterday. Since I didn’t measure (who measures a binge?), I’ve no idea how many points I consumed but probably more than I wrote down. I could have recovered from the afternoon’s excess by eating the tomato soup that I planned to cook for dinner (I’ve a new recipe to try). Instead, I went with a can of coke, 2 slices of everything pizza, and a salad for dinner.

I’d like to blame my car battery - it chose to die on me last evening, prompting me to make a dozen phone calls to figure out what to do and prompting me to guzzle coke while I waited on the servicemen and to forego cooking dinner because I didn’t want to eat so late. I’d even like to blame the fact that I’m totally bummed to be away from my sweetie and constantly annoyed at work these days, which seemed to prompt the chips fest earlier in the day. Honestly, though, I really need to take a hard look at myself. Why do I let little stresses hijack my dieting? I always feel worse, not better, after going so way off track. It’s not just feeling emotionally worse and beating myself up over eating so poorly. My body gets all out of whack as it doesn’t quite know how to process all the grease. To boot, I am staring down six days of hunger as I’ve only a few measly flex points for the rest of the week.

I am trying to look upon my next few days’ worth of empty food diary pages with a steely-eyed gaze, but I’m wondering what to do. Do I just chalk up yesterday’s calorie laden cold comfort up as a missed opportunity for weight loss and start over with a full roster of flex points today? Or, do I just accept that I’ll feel very, very hungry until next Monday? I’m leaning toward the latter option, mostly because whenever I try to to just accept a “bad day”, I find myself on a slippery slope toward a string of bad days. I’ve never been good at rebounding from overindulgence, but some crazy part of me really wants to try this time. Am I being foolish for thinking that I’ll feel great on Sunday evening if I can say that I stuck to my points this week?

My weigh in this morning reflected 155.6 lbs, a loss of .6 lbs last week. As usual, my weight loss is puttering along slower than I’d like, but still I happily say “woo-hoo” to my few ounces of progress. 

I had some interesting moments while eating last week that I’d like to share. Having been writing my meals fairly faithfully for a few weeks now (weekends are still a problem), I’m much more conscious that apparently my diet can be pretty carb-o-riffic. When I make dinner, I may make one carb side dish. But, while eating at my parents’ house or dining in a restaurant, I’ve noticed just how often two or more carbs are offered as choices. Mashed potatoes and a biscuit? Rice and bread? Pasta with a cake chaser? It’s all a bit much, isn’t it?

I’m not some anti-carb Atkins or South Beach nut, but I recognize that I’m not getting a lot of nutritional bang for my buck by eating refined white flour products. I’m a fan of some whole grain products out there, like whole wheat pasta, bulgar, and whole grain Krispy Kremes . Yet,  I’ve still a ways to go to accept other whole grain foods. Despite years of trying, I have yet to identify the charm of brown rice. So, instead of finding whole grain substitutes for all of my carbs, my focus lately has been on just eating half of whatever carbs find their way to my plate. I was visiting my fiance this weekend, and he was impressed when I simply ate half a serving of potatoes and bread at mealtimes. In addition to cutting down on carbs, I’ve been totally loading up on vegetables. My mom gave me a startled look the other night when I took a whole forest of broccoli florets for dinner. I have learned, though, that whereas bread makes me feel very much like a stuffed potato, vegs leave me feeling satisfied yet light. So, it is baby steps for me for now, substituting vegetables for carbs as I write what I eat. Still, I have an eensy bit of hope that perhaps, one day, I’ll be the queen of quinoa.

Ok - weekly weigh-in time. Blessedly, I weighed 156.2 Monday morning - a loss of 2.8 lbs last week. I’ve embraced using my food journal as a weight loss tool. Reflecting on the week, I feel like I might be made up of sodium phosphates and maltodextrin. I’m still in the easy trap of heating up a frozen diet meal for lunch during busy workdays. I recognize that I need to step away from my desk, stop buying cheap meals, and eat something healthy away from email, phones, and coworkers.

Journaling my food intake has been eye opening for me in another way. Although I claim not to be a “bread person”, apparently I’m quite the lover of refined flour products. A cracker here, a cookie there, and suddenly I’ve eaten more bread products  than anything else. I had somewhat of a biscuit fetish last week, making an otherwise annoying 45 minute commute quite pleasant with a cup of coffee and a home baked biscuit (or two). I’m not talking frozen or fast food biscuits here - I kneaded these myself! They were delicious with honey from my grandpa-in-law-to-be’s farm. Alas, biscuits in all their refined white flour glory are now a weekend treat for me. So, strategies for the remaining few days until my next weigh in are cutting back on refined flour products (I’ll concentrate on the whole grains later), eating more whole foods, continue writing in my food diary, and recording my WW points.

Also, perhaps most importantly, I’ve been more open with family and friends in my life about wanting to lose some of the weight I’ve gained. Opening up has made me much more accountable for what I’m putting in my body and what I’m doing to be more active. I thought it would be embarrassing to be honest. But, the feedback I’ve been receiving has been amazing. One woman at work even called me an “inspiration to us all.” At times when I feel like I’m pudgier and more sluggish than I need to be, those words sure sound sweet.

I’m too chicken to post my daily food diary on-line, but I’ve been very faithful the past few days recording what I eat, assigning accurate WW point values, and sticking to my points allotment. I’m remembering why I ultimately have been pretty successful on the points system - you really can eat “anything you want” and you learn reasonable portion sizes. One thing that can be tricky about counting points is that it is easier to rely on highly processed foods than to prepare fresh food because, in the U.S., processed foods have  nutrition info printed on their packages.  Looking at my food diary, I’m dismayed to realize that processed foods have been my primary sustenance these past few days. 

That said, I’m adding to my 2008 resolutions list. Currently, the list is two items long: (1) Be more active and (2) Communicate better with my sweetie (i.e., tell him when I’m upset).  My new item is (3) Eat fewer processed foods. (3) will take some work - I’ve got some groceries to eat my way through first. I want to be a good steward of my resources, so I refuse to throw away the refrigerated egg rolls I bought. (I was lured by the promise that they were pretty tasty and “only two points a piece!” I found them filling but soggy and incredibly salty. I’ll do my best to choke them down for one more meal.) I also will start working on new recipes that are healthy yet whole-food based. I’m looking forward to the return of fresh produce from a local community supported farm - the Davis Farms CSA in Roberta, GA. I’ll probably go visit my wonderful little brother more often, as he lives near a fabulous whole foods-minded grocery - the Dekalb Farmer’s Market. Finally, I plan to coax my parents into sharing a vegetable garden with me this spring and summer. With sleet forecasted for this afternoon, perhaps I’m crazy to be thinking about planting something. But, how wonderful it is to think that by mid-March, I might be ready to run a 5K and eating home-grown buttercrunch lettuce.

Ok. My weight went up again this past week to 159.0. I wish I could innocently say, “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong!” But, I can’t. I know exactly what I’m doing wrong. I am eating too much food. My food diary isn’t helping me to keep the amount of what I eat in check the way I thought it would. I’m contemplating rejoining Weight Watchers online for a month to see if that will get me back into eating reasonably again. But, I hate to pay money to the program when I know how it works. grrr…

I’ve taken a few breaths now and feel more calm.  

I recognize that while I’ve been dedicating myself to eating better foods and making better choices (this past week’s Mexican food, notwithstanding),  I haven’t been dedicating myself to really “watching” what I eat. This week, I’m making it my goal to be mindful of how much, not just what, I’m eating. What was it that Round said several posts back? Eating to satisfy is much different than eating what one desires. When something tastes really, really good, I desire more of it. But, to achieve my health goals, then I need eat only what will satisfy me.

Friday evening I had an argument with someone close to me, and I ended up staying in a funk all day on Saturday. I hate that I am an emotional eater. For years, I thought that I was overweight/obese (depending on the moment in time) simply because I love good food. I love to cook. I love to eat. But, I know that I’m heavier than I should be because whenever I feel off kilter or out of sorts, I tend to turn to food. I’m not a big snacker or one who furtively eats straight out of the cupboard or fridge. Instead, I like the celebration of a mealtime gathering with friends or family. I’ve not yet mastered how to enjoy a fun meal without eating too much. When I lost down to 135 lbs, I did so largely by avoiding celebration meals or dining out. Of course, I was also terribly lonely that year.

Now, I’m trying to strike the balance - enjoying evenings out with friends, celebrations with family, etc. while eating appropriately for my health goals. Last night, however, the confluence of an evening out with friends with my feeling terrible about the fight I had wreaked havoc on my week’s weight loss progress. For dinner, I chose shrimp soft tacos, probably one of healthier choices at the local Mexican restaurant, washed down with 3/4 of a pitcher (!!) of margaritas. About halfway through my meal I actually thought, “I’m not hungry any more. I’m actually quite full.” But, emotionally empty and drained from my argument and restless sleep the night before, I kept eating and drinking. It was as if by physically overstuffing myself, somehow I could nourish and fill up my emotional life.

I can, and will, move on from my Mexican restaurant debauchery of last night. In some ways, maybe the experience will even wind up being good for me. I identified the dangerous combination of feeling empty emotionally and a celebration-type meal. The next time I feel like I might encounter such a struggle, I’m going to reach out to someone - bloggers, my oh so helpful brother, perhaps even the one I hurt. In my church, we are encouraged to resolve conflicts and sins with others before we approach the communion table. Perhaps, for me, I need to do the same whenever I approach the dinner table.

Last night, I gave into a major craving for seasoned fast food curly fries and roast beef sandwich. Before I bought the food, I told myself that I didn’t need it, that it would make me feel awful physically and emotionally, and that better choices are out there. Still, I gave in.

And, I was right. By the time the food was digesting,  I felt physically ill. This morning I woke up with a headache and stomachache. To make matters worse, I weighed in at 157.8 lbs. Feeling bad, I called in sick to work. Then, I nearly had a melt down. All of the old emotions that used to keep me in bed came rushing back. I beat myself up over last night’s dinner and this morning’s weigh in. I was depressed that I lost a net of only .2 lbs in 2007. I kept telling myself how idiotic I was to still be in bed, presenting worst case scenarios to myself, all basically boiling down to - “i’ll lose my job and ruin my life.”

Then, I did something I never used to do, I reached out for a dose of sanity. The sanity check came from my lovely fiancee. I love him for not being too easy or too hard on me. He told me he loved me but also said that I need to stay in the game emotionally at work. He helped to see that I could move on, that this little 3 hour episode didn’t need to define how my day would go, much less my entire life. And, he jolted me into reality by outlining how, if I don’t stay in the game, then, yes, my life really could get pretty screwed up.

So, drive into work I did. At work, I finally realized the connection to my feeling bad this morning to the junk food that I ate last night. Last night, I was making the 5 1/2 hour drive back from my fiancee’s house to my house. I was sad to be leaving him and fearful of all that we’ll have to face this year. I was annoyed that I’m not where I want to be in my career and in my weight loss. When the thought of curly fries popped in my head, a messed up part of me thought, “they’ll make me feel better.” Intelligently, I knew that they wouldn’t. Emotionally, I didn’t want anything else to eat but the fries (I bought the roast beef on a whim). After I ate, I stayed mad at myself all night and part of today because I let the messed up emotional side overtake the healthy rational side of how I approach eating.

My eating still hasn’t quite returned to normal. I snacked on carbs all day and ate pizza for dinner. Also, I forgot to bring my workout clothes to work with me, so there was no gym for me today. But, I am not despairing as I was earlier. I’m feeling hopeful, like this is just a normal lull after the sweet, sweet highs of last week. Already this afternoon I took steps to get on track at work. Tomorrow, I’ll simply eat better than I did today.

My life has taken a definite upswing from my last little bit of 3FC posting - I’m now engaged! My pilot boyfriend asked me to take a walk at a small airport in rural Georgia (the US state, not the country). We like to stroll on the taxiway and look at the stars, although usually we do this in the summer, not the winter. The proposal was perfect, although it involved a visit from the local police and the Georgia state patrol! My boyfriend managed to convince the police officers that we really were having a sweet little walk, not trying to steal an airplane or do anything too sexy on the runway. And, along our little walk my boyfriend became my fiancee. Hooray!  Below is a pic of my future hubby and me taken the night we got engaged.

My pilot proposed by asking me what my new year’s resolutions are. My main health goal is to be more active this year. Note: I did not say “Wear a Single Digit wedding dress” or “Weigh 135 lbs again.” I wouldn’t be complaining if either of those things happen. However, I want to make real changes in my lifestyle, not just reach some temporary point that may or may not be sustainable. I’ve always wanted to be the type of person who does rock climbing, surfing, teach yoga, etc. But, I’ve honestly never put any real energy into being this active. So, now I’m really, really going to try. So far, so good; I ran yesterday evening and plan to do yoga tonight. Meanwhile, I’ll still keep track of my weight, maintain my food diary, and be a faithful 3fc blogger because these are good tools for me to watch how I’m doing.

Here’s to 2008  - the year of the active me!