Angel Food (lowfat)

I am so tired today, having not slept well all week. The confluence of the holidays, a job search, the end of the semester, and my boyfriend and I trying to find time to see each other are just exhausting me. Being tired is not good for losing weight. I’ve lapsed into mindless eating for a few days. What I’ve not lapsed into, thankfully, is fear. This morning, despite getting several hours’ less sleep than I’d like, I woke up energized and determined to shake myself out of my old patterns. I’m not afraid that I’m going into some downward spiral as in times past. No, I feel like I’m just going on a challenging and energizing hike up a hill.

For the longest time,  I didn’t like hiking. I wanted to enjoy it, but after a few hundred feet of huffing and puffing I would be of breath and out of sorts. I like hiking now - it can be challenging to keep climbing up a hill, but there are also moments of peace and joy as you look at the changing scenery and keep moving, as you unconsciously put one foot in front of the other.

I’ve briefly hinted at my hiking trip to Shenandoah on my blog a couple times.  Shenandoah is my inspiration for losing weight and finally making some changes (not all weight related) to become who I really knew I could be. Ex-boyfriend “Y” and I decided to go hiking together in Shenandoah National Park. Shenandoah is a place of great beauty, but I couldn’t enjoy it at all. I was deeply embarrased because I was in the absolute worst shape of my life. I was afraid that my ex would be the last man ever to have an interest in me because of how heavy I was. I only felt worse as we hiked. Y was in great shape and could have tackled difficult paths. I was getting lapped by 80 year olds and toddlers. To be sure, I felt terrible while hiking. I knew that I had to do something about my weight. Shock really set in, however, when I saw the pictures from that trip a few weeks later. Getting the pictures developed, I was looking forward to seeing some interesting photos of waterfalls and trees. I did not expect to be jolted to my core by the photos of me. The person in the photos and the person I am inside did not match up at all. I was mortified that I’d let myself get to the point that I was carrying the weight of a second grader on my body. So, I decided to figure out how to eat properly and lose weight, first with Weight Watchers, then (most successfully) on my own.

So, that’s my Shenandoah story. I cannot wait to return to the park to go hiking some day. Until then, I try keep Shenandoah in my heart, to remember its beauty, and to remember how far I’ve come.