Angel Food (lowfat)

“Ugh.” That’s the sound my body is making after several days of over-eating and subsisting almost solely on processed foods. The week started well enough at the doctor’s office; she reported that I’ve lost almost 10 lbs since my last visit. But, I quickly derailed Tuesday evening by eating far too much at my parents’ house. I’ve been beating myself up, living on frozen meals and take out ever since.

I’ve regressed to little blah places in several areas of my life this week. The regression, I’ve come to realize, is straight-up fear over what my future holds, in my weight loss, in my relationship, in my career, in my finances, etc. So, I’ve been slipping into old patterns - not exercising, staying up too late, eating poorly, etc. The old patterns, unfortunately, include getting angry with myself for being in the old patterns. Real healthy cycle isn’t it?

The good news, however, is that the old little blah places from my past don’t feel comfortable anymore. I don’t like visiting them. I want to explore the new places fully. I need to get used to the idea that I won’t always have a map to do my exploring. I believe in God, don’t I? As a believer in God, don’t I need to trust that God has the map? Actually, God doesn’t even need the map because God is already in the places that I want to explore. A few years ago when my life changed dramatically for the better, I started exploring where I thought God was. Whenever I let go of my true beliefs is when the old patterns start happening again; I forget about living for joy and wholeness and live just to exist. I wind up feeling awful. On my pursuit of the elusive size 8 jeans again, I can’t forget my pursuit of the places that God is. And, I need to accept that those places may be without maps.

With more than a teensy bit of curiosity, I stepped on the scale this morning for my weekly weigh in. I weighed 155.0 - a .2 loss for the week. I recently read a blog entry by Round about how she doesn’t think it helpful to obsess over what the scale says. Despite my weekly weigh ins, I have to agree with her. The scale is simply a way for me to check in with myself and track my progress. The real weight loss work isn’t pushing the numbers on the scale further and further down. No, the real work comes with changing your lifestyle habits - eating well, finding exercise you can do regularly, maintaining some semblance of balance, and generally treating oneself better. Still, you will find me celebrating every ounce that the scale registers as gone. After beating myself up for decades, it only makes sense to give myself a pat on the back as the pounds come off and I work toward a balanced life and better health.

Sitting down to the Thanksgiving feast with my family, I realized that I wanted to try everything. But, for once, I didn’t want to feel ill after eating the meal. I doubled up on my mom’s cornbread dressing. (It’s the only time for a year I will have the chance to eat it, so why not?) But, I also was mindful of putting more green beans (freshly sauteed with garlic) and roasted asparagus on my plate than sweet potatoes. The dessert we ate a few hours later also did duty as dinner. I’ve been afraid of the big holidays in years past because I just knew that I’d over do it and gain weight. No, I didn’t have a huge loss of weight this Thanksgiving, but something better happened.  I realized that even feasting can be about balance and celebration can coexist with losing weight.

I am so tired today, having not slept well all week. The confluence of the holidays, a job search, the end of the semester, and my boyfriend and I trying to find time to see each other are just exhausting me. Being tired is not good for losing weight. I’ve lapsed into mindless eating for a few days. What I’ve not lapsed into, thankfully, is fear. This morning, despite getting several hours’ less sleep than I’d like, I woke up energized and determined to shake myself out of my old patterns. I’m not afraid that I’m going into some downward spiral as in times past. No, I feel like I’m just going on a challenging and energizing hike up a hill.

For the longest time,  I didn’t like hiking. I wanted to enjoy it, but after a few hundred feet of huffing and puffing I would be of breath and out of sorts. I like hiking now - it can be challenging to keep climbing up a hill, but there are also moments of peace and joy as you look at the changing scenery and keep moving, as you unconsciously put one foot in front of the other.

I’ve briefly hinted at my hiking trip to Shenandoah on my blog a couple times.  Shenandoah is my inspiration for losing weight and finally making some changes (not all weight related) to become who I really knew I could be. Ex-boyfriend “Y” and I decided to go hiking together in Shenandoah National Park. Shenandoah is a place of great beauty, but I couldn’t enjoy it at all. I was deeply embarrased because I was in the absolute worst shape of my life. I was afraid that my ex would be the last man ever to have an interest in me because of how heavy I was. I only felt worse as we hiked. Y was in great shape and could have tackled difficult paths. I was getting lapped by 80 year olds and toddlers. To be sure, I felt terrible while hiking. I knew that I had to do something about my weight. Shock really set in, however, when I saw the pictures from that trip a few weeks later. Getting the pictures developed, I was looking forward to seeing some interesting photos of waterfalls and trees. I did not expect to be jolted to my core by the photos of me. The person in the photos and the person I am inside did not match up at all. I was mortified that I’d let myself get to the point that I was carrying the weight of a second grader on my body. So, I decided to figure out how to eat properly and lose weight, first with Weight Watchers, then (most successfully) on my own.

So, that’s my Shenandoah story. I cannot wait to return to the park to go hiking some day. Until then, I try keep Shenandoah in my heart, to remember its beauty, and to remember how far I’ve come.

This morning, my scales read 155.2 - a 1.6 pound weight loss for the week. Now, that’s a result a girl can be happy with! I have finally hit my weight loss stride. Who knows where my motivation wanders off to? I’m just glad that the prodigal has returned, and I welcome it with open arms!

The next time my motivation goes on a bender, I’ll refer back to this entry to review my techniques for a successful weight loss week. So, here’s what I did during the week:

Technique 1 - I recorded what I ate. Monday - Thursday, I was the food diary queen. I wrote down my meals, sans point values or calories, and noted the WW “good health guidelines” that I acheived - fruits and vegs, dairy, H2O, exercise, and vitamins.  When I got home Friday, I put away my little yellow notebook. This wasn’t planned, just forgetfulness on my part. I had a moment this morning when I said, “oh hello there,” to the notebook before putting it with my purse to go to work with me. Despite the lack of recording over the weekend, I think I did fine because of technique 2…

Technique 2 - I ate real meals and did not snack. I love food. I crave complete meals. I do not do well with the six mini-meals concept that so many people swear by when losing weight. So, this week I made a concerted effort to enjoy my meals (sometimes even eating ice cream!) and to put away the snacks. I ate just until satisfied and no more; I allowed myself to get decently hungry before eating again. This technique worked really well, and I plan on keeping it up this week!

Technique 3 - I was kind to myself. I finally owned up to the fact that I might very well make a weight loss mistake every single day. I realized that I didn’t have to be perfect in order to lose weight. I enjoyed eating real food with real fat and real calories. If I made a mistake, I simply acknowledged it and told myself to make a better choice next time.

I’m looking forward to my weigh in next week to see how I do over the holidays. Last year, I was freaked out as the holidays approached. I knew that pumpkin pie and stuffing could decimate my points allowances. I was terrified of gaining weight. I found myself eating little at meals, then finding pieces of candy or another spoonful of potatoes to feel full. I wound up putting on a couple of pounds. This year, I’m not afraid that I’ll gain weight. It’s odd, but I’m confident that I’ll keep losing weight during the holidays. I’m not thinking about point values at all. Instead, I’m thinking of all the joy I’ll have hanging out with my family and friends. I’m thinking of how much fun I’ll have stealing some moments alone with the one I love. And, I’m thinking of how much I’ll savor that piece of pumpkin pie that I’ll eat on Thursday. 

This morning, I weighed 156.8. I had hoped to have lost 2 pounds this past week (putting me at 155.8), but I’ll definitely take 1! This past weekend was one of those times when things could have gone horribly wrong with my diet. I was spending the weekend with my BF in Florida. We went to an air show with plenty of fair food offerings - funnel cakes, corn dogs, etc. I compromised, drinking a Coke but splitting a grilled chicken sandwich with my BF.  I disagree with those diet nuts who say that it isn’t good for us to link food with celebrating. However, it is good to realize that you can have fun and celebrate without eating a ton of calories. There’s a balance, and I found it this weekend.

I’m still shooting for a 2lb weight loss one of these weeks…I hope to be a 154.8 by next Monday. That’ll set me up for almost hitting my Thanksgiving goal weight of 153.8. Writing what I eat down in my little yellow notebook is helping to keep my tendency to snack too much at work in check.

Without meaning to do so, I’ve taken a mini-vacation from blogging. Partly, my lack of writing has been busy-ness, partly avoidance. I was losing weight, getting down to 156.2. But, I gained over the weekend and found myself staring at 157.8 on the scale this morning.

These miniature ups and downs are annoying, but I have to be honest with myself. I’ve not been as committed to losing weight as I need to be. I’ve been sort of vaguely dieting, allowing myself a slice or handful of this, a taste or snack of that. Despite feeling generally optimistic that I will eventually one day be at 135 lb again, I know that I have been defeatist and overwhelmed of late. A voice has been telling me that I can’t meet the goals that I set, so I might as well just give myself a break and not worry about acheiving them. A strange little cycle I’ve gotten myself into, no?

 After the week that’s passed, I do have newfound motivation.  My BF and I have seriously discussed a wedding date of December 27, 2008, which gives me plenty of time to get 22 lbs off before buying a dress. But an even greater motivation than looking like a babe in my wedding gown is simply that I want to prove to myself that I can achieve the goals I set for myself. Meeting my goals involves a few things: (1) setting realistic goals, (2) staying mindful of the goals at all times, (3) doing the work needed to get there, (4) reminding myself that the goals are reachable. 

So, below are my realistic goals for this Holiday Season. Sure, I’d like to weigh less than by New Year’s Day, but I also am not going to set myself up for failure. I hope to celebrate my successes not with too much turkey and pie, but with a little victory dance on the scales!

HOLIDAY GOALS 

153.8 on Thanksgiving Day, 11/22/07

146.8 on Christmas Day, 12/25/07

145.8 on  New Years Day, 1/1/08