Isn’t this picture beautiful?! The leaves have changed so quickly here and I love all the colors..It’s almost like the trees have their own little rainbow going on. The other day I wore my burnt orange sweater, brown cami under…new brown corduroy coat, brown headband..and I felt so ‘fallish’.

Bf made it safely to Edmonton. He didn’t stay w/ his parents afterwards…but instead with one of his sisters. Both his sisters are much younger than him…one quite sensible..and the other (the one he stayed with) in with a strange crowd. Drugs/raves, no priorities….they wear neon clothes, lots of piercings..just odd. I guess you get that sort of thing in Edmonton. Coming from such a small province like Newfoundland its quite an eye opener. Anyways he stayed with her and went out to see her scene..met some of her ‘friends’…he went home early to get lots of sleep. I haven’t talked to him on the phone yet but several times on facebook…he misses me terribly.

One great thing about him being gone is how tidy it is just with me here…He’s the average man who throws his clothes down…leaves crumbs on the counter..has to be reminded to hang up his jacket…etc…ahh soo nice..lol. However despite his tidiness faults he’s always shown me how much he cares and has always been extremely affectionate towards me. His first words out of his mouth in the morning is usually a compliment about how i look or how nice I am dressed. And that is why I love him…He has loved me at 230 lbs and when we met i was larger..and he loves me like this. I guess through thick and thin literally. Actually for a while I think he preferred me with a little more meat on my bones. He was a little worried when he could see my hip bone…quite prominant without a layer of flab and fat over them. 

I have to rant on here about my younger brother. He is two years younger than me…25 and lives with my older brother. He has myself, my sister (23) and my brother nearly drove insane. Since he moved in here he’s been on EI and occasionally working for cash…making more $$ biweekly than myself or my sister. Yet he will party it away…both nights of the weekend after getting paid and constantly harass us for borrowing $$. I know he smokes pot or used to..he denies that he does it anymore..however I am sure he does or is into something worse. About a month ago I refused to loan him money, he told me off..saying I’m all about myself etc etc…then when i felt so bad….i didn’t want him to not have food to eat…i told him i’d take him to buy him a few groceries….he tells me that he realized he had $$ in his account all along. So after harassing me…telling me off..and me still good enough to offer to help him..he realizes he has $$. Not only does he harass for $$ he is constantly looking for a ride here/there..all over the city. Has even called here on a Fri night (10pm) to be brought downtown. My bf of course being as nice as he is of course wouldn’t say “no”.
I got home today to see a message asking me to loan him money or take him out and get a few groceries.  I closed the message and didn’t respond.

My gf’s were out last week to a club…here in my suburb..and seen him. He had mentioned being downtown the night before…and was then leaving with friends to go downtown again…(about $25 cab ride one way). So he partied Fri/Sat night last weekend. He had on facebook that he was downtown this past Fri night……oh and he was so hungover he missed work on Sat…I’m sorry brother but you deserve to starve..is that so harsh?????….and then decides he has no $$ for groceries and asks me.

I am NOT going to put up with this. I will ignore everything from him. I am afraid to come home some day and find him on my doorstep. (He’s come by before…after me saying “no” to loaning him $$ and asked my bf..I gave him a 10 to get him out).

How do I put up with this?????? This is the shit i have to deal with. Of course my mother sees no harm in me loaning him money..thinks as the big sister should ‘look out’ for her siblings. She is probably the reason he is the way he is. Spoonfed him for so long….Let him sit on his ass for a few yrs doing shit all. And when she realizes that I’m right about me not supporting him so he can party it up she gets all stressed and doesn’t want to talk any longer (on the phone, she’s 3 hours away). He was living with her and her bf….in her bf’s house..but he had had enough of my brother’s crap and basically said he had to get out. Bro would be up all night on the phone….making noise (mom’s bf works very early in the AM’s)…not helping towards bills, etc. Of course this broke mom’s heart having to tell her son to leave and it caused a lot of grief in her relationship.

Why do I have to be the ‘mother’ to my siblings???? My older bro comes here to do laundry..even though he’s 3 mins from a laundromat…therefore my younger bro asks me if I can do his laundry..I don’t F$#@!(* think so! I told him to take it to the laundromat. My younger sis lives with me…is barely here..and when she is, doesn’t clean the house or help buy things needed in the house ( cleaners, etc).
Part of me feels like wiping my hands free from all 3 of them. See how selfish I am then. At least my older bro and sister are not bumming $$.

………………..And that my friends is why I believe I’m adopted. I actually called my mom a few weeks ago and said “Mom….who are my birth parents because there’s no way in hell I’m related to the other three you gave birth to?” I am just the odd but sensible one.

Arggghhhh….frustrated!

Off to bed..gnite…Thanks for letting me rant.

Ang