Sunday, not fun day

28 Aug 2011 In: August 2011

Today has been a day of tears and emotions.  I had a long talk with my daughter with both of us in tears all damn day.  I haven’t given her any decisions but I have told her how I feel about him and the relationship.  I am so stressed out by this that I could just call it quits with the weight loss thing.  But that would have been what the old me would have done.  And I am not going to be that person anymore.  I am not going to let things get in the way and make excuses.  I’ve read plenty of success stories and I know it can happen.  It is possible.  I am not some cosmic exception to the rule.  The universe isn’t out to get me and punish me and make me the only human being that is incapable of losing weight.  I know I can do it, I’ve done it 3 times before….lost almost all of the weight to reach my goal and then just let one little thing suck me back to the dark side of binging and eating total and complete crap.  Tonights dinner was a southwestern salad that I added an avocado to and grilled some chicken breasts and added those too.  I had my normal morning homemade low fat low calorie iced coffee.  And my late evening snack of dark chocolate pomegranate drops.  I am going to try to follow three basic weight loss plans.  Calorie counting, Superfoods and IF. 

Venting

28 Aug 2011 In: August 2011

Ugh I so need to vent right now or my head just might explode. One of my teenage daughters has been dating a boy for about 4 months. I have been somewhat concerned about the seriousness of the relationship for a couple of months now. This boy is incredibly intense and is an emotional sink hole. I have reached my breaking point with it tonight and I cannot take it anymore. I swore I would never be the mom that has to forbid her kid from seeing someone but that is the point I am at right now with this relationship. I’m at my wits end. I just want him out of her life, now, forever. I know it has a great chance of backfiring on me and forcing her to want to be with him even more but I feel like I am to the place that I have to take that chance. I have to try to save her before it is too late and I am unable to.

I had my first IF 24 hour today and it went better than expected. I was well under calories for the day and the only time I actually felt hungry was after I ate.

Friday so far…

26 Aug 2011 In: August 2011

so good. Although I did get my monthly frienemy…not the best timing for my first weekend with this new plan. But I suppose that I have to have it every month, might as well get used to dealing with the cravings in a positive way right off the bat eh?

Today so far I’ve had :

Breakfast:

Homemade iced coffee (60 cal)

protein bar (200 cal)

Lunch:

lean cuisine frozen pizza (390 cal)

coke zero

Dinner:

Garden veggie patty burger (110 cal)

Multi grain thin round (100 cal)

2 pieces precooked microwave bacon (80 cal)

baby swiss cheezits (200 cal)

dark chocolate almond milk (120 cal)

dark chocolate pomegranate drops (120 cal)

Daily total 1380

I’m feeling a bit of the effects of my TOM. A bit crampy and hungry and a few cravings, but as long as I’m talking about it and thinking before I put anything in my mouth I should be OK. Or at least that’s my goal. Shoot for small things. Focus on getting through the weekend.

Forgotten

26 Aug 2011 In: August 2011

So after I posted last night I did have a late evening snack.  10 dark chocolate/pomegranate drops.  I don’t know how to describe them.  I get them at Costco in a bulk sized bag.  I also forgot to write down that at work yesterday I had about 3 small strips of dried mango.

Today:

I woke up hungry today.  I’m usually never hungry for breakfast.  I made my homemade iced mocha a little bit differently today in the hopes of cutting some calories.  I measured out 1/2 cup of dark chocolate almond milk (60 calories) and mixed that in with cold black coffee over ice.  I am planning to buy some sugar free flavored syrup because it needs just a tiny bit of other flavor but it’s not bad.

Well, last night after I logged off I also weighed in.  Ugh.  I can’t believe I let myself gain so much weight back that I had lost.  I previously started at 235 and got down to 170 and am now back up to 225.  It is literally so depressing, it almost makes me unable to function.
I wish I knew how to get passed this divorce.  It was so shocking to me that I think I still just don’t have my head wrapped around it.  I don’t think of him every moment of every day anymore so that is a huge plus.  I’ve gotten to where I can sleep now without thinking about him too.

I not only want to figure out why I always turn to food for comfort but why my life is such an unorganized mess.  The whole house is a mess, my finances are a mess.  I really want this straightened out!  I hate my life being in disarray.  I want normal.  I want clean.  I want happy.

I will force myself to do this if I have to.

Starting over, in more ways than one.

25 Aug 2011 In: August 2011

So here I am again. Trying to lose weight. Only this time I’m single. My husband left me, so I divorced him. And now I think I’m ready to lose weight again. I am finally ready to start dating and I would like to start getting in shape. I’m starting this blog to help myself be accountable with what I eat and hopefully I will be able to figure out my emotions, the feelings eating brings me either good, bad or ugly.

Breakfast today:

homemade light iced mocha

protein bar

Lunch:

Healthy Choice frozen portobella mushroom risotto

Coke Zero

Snack:

dark chocolate square

Dinner:

1/2 piece stuffed salmon

1 multi grain flat round bread

1/2 tablespoon Smart Balance w/Olive oil spread.

Powerade zero

Feelings: breakfast is about the same. I just never have time for much more than that. I’ve been OK all day until now, 8:30pm. I’m a

just now feeling snacky and a bit hungry. I miss my girls. I’m a bit lonely. I’m also a bit happy because I bought a new pair of jeans last night without trying them on because I never do that and they did fit. Size 16 but I don’t care. They could be a bit looser, but I’m happy they weren’t an 18. At least I haven’t gained back ALL the weight I lost. After I found out about my husband’s affair I lost a substantial amount of weight, about 70 pounds. I have gained all but probably 25 of it back. It’s OK. I am starting my life over, without him, a new job, a new direction and for ME!