Somedays its really hard to be a fighter.  And every once in a while I have to surrender.  But surrender to me doesn’t mean to give in - HELL NO!  Surrender to me means acceptance.  Acceptance that this body of mine cannot cope with the demands I make on it.  Partly because of my disabilities but in all honesty, partly due to my weight.  How much easier would it be for me just to get up every day if I wasn’t dragging around this second person in weight?  God thats depressing.

The good side of collapse is that I now feel restored.  Restored in spirit at least.  Ready to fight another day, to take on the world and its mother and kick them both in the ass.

I suppose this is part of the cycle.  I am so focused in what I need to do just to get through the day, coping with the pain, being a full-time mother, partner, daughter that by the time it comes to fighting to diet and lose weight, my fight and energy is already gone.

I seriously need to find a way of breaking the comfort eating to deal with the pain.  But how?  How do I find something that will substitute?  It is just so easy to find something, anything to eat to give me that momentary relief.  This is why I keep coming back to surgery.  I am struggling to see another answer.  Maybe there isn’t.

I see my doctor next week so I hope the outcome gives me a way forwards.  I think I need to see the light at the end of the tunnel to give me something to hope for and keep on fighting.

I’ve been sooooo busy the last couple of days.  Number 1 coping technique for depression -keep busy!  Had a lot of things to do and get organised and had some really sunny weather which always picks me up.  Makes everyone feel as if spring might actually be coming.  Its been great to let the kids out to play again, watch them on their bikes and playing football with daddy.  I want to get some gardening stuff soon and grow my own flowers for the garden.  I find it quite theraputic to work with seeds and seedlings and I can do it all sitting down! YAYYY!  My kids are old enough to do the planting in the ground for me now as long as they are well supervised!  If there’s mud involved the problem will be stopping my little boy from rolling in it!  I want to get my garden all fixed up this year and get a nice bench to sit on in the summer with a good book and watching the kids playing.

I’ve also gone back to making jewellery.  I did this years ago, when I went into my wheelchair, one of a million hobbies I tried to help me from going insane LOL  It keeps my brain busy and again, its sitting down YAYYY!!!

Had a couple of blinding headaches the last few days just to add a little something different to my catalogue of pain problems LOL.  I think they have been stress-related.  Lots of stressful things to be done and more to come.  Almost had an anxiety attack tonight, first in a long while.  Fought it off though, just as well I am in a good place just now.

Been eating healthier as well, the sun seems to make it easier to do.  I was at my corner shop today and got chocolate for my significant other and sweeties for the kids.  I looked at the chocolate and just didn’t fancy any of it!  Is it possible, I can go off chocolate???  Saying that, years ago when on holiday in Spain, I noticed I didn’t want chocolate either, maybe it is the sun.

“Little darlin, its been a cold and lonely winter…Here comes the sun do da doo doo”

I can’t wait for spring.

“…makes me work a little bit harder, makes me that much wiser, thanks for making me a fighter”.

Superb song.  Its got me through the darkest moments in my life.

Please check out my page of songs that I love.  Its a it eclectic but thats me.  I’ve been told I have the music collection of a schizophrenic.  Its all there, from Opera to Dance and everything in between.  But in a way I guess that is me - I don’t fit into one particular box.

I’d like to thank the 2 people who left comments.  I appreciate the support and just knowing that someone read my nonsense is actually quite nice.  I actually know all the things I need to do food wise and fitness wise.  My parents are both diabetic and I have researched tonnes of stuff about food getting right into the science of it.  I could write a book on it! LOL  What is hard for me is having the strength, the energy and the willpower to stick to it.  When I end up in so much pain that it is agony just to be alive, I am so desperate for relief that I comfort eat.  I’m talking about the level of pain that I’ve had psychics unable to read me because within seconds they are picking up my pain and doubling over in agony.  When I had my kids, both by Cesaerian Section, I begged for my Morphine IV to be removed within hours of surgery on each occasion because it jagging into my hand was driving me nuts.  When asked by the OB was my stomach not sore, I said “On a scale of 1 to 10, my stomach’s a 4, my back just now is 9.  What I feel in my stomach I class as mild discomfort.”  IV’s were promptly removed.  If you are starting to get an idea of how sore I get, then do you understand why a bar of chocolate can keep me sane? LOL

That’s the sad thing.  I have a brain in my head and my body can’t do the things it wants to anymore.  If I wasn’t disabled, I would not be this size.  I would be out and about and off my butt at every available moment.  I’d be grabbing life by the balls and hanging on like a cat with a firecracker up its butt.  But nothing can be done for me medically, its been explored by the leading experts in this country.  I am such an unusual case I have been part of test studies and used as in teaching doctors, nurses, all sorts of medical staff.  ROFL I could have sold tickets at each of my kid’s births.  Standing room only!!! 

I have a huge understanding of all my medical problems and my mental problems.  When your therapist tells you seriously that you should write a book, you don’t know whether to take it as a compliment or not! LOL

But understanding all these things does not make me able to stop them from happening.  My head still goes up my butt on a regular basis.  I have to balance doing enough to keep my legs working and overdoing it and then not being able to stand up AND using the painkillers in such a way as to get maximum effect for as long as possible.

Saying all these things though, I am sure I am not alone and I think that thought makes me saddest of all - there must be more of us out there, all struggling to carry on.

I wish I could *magic* it all away - FOR EVERYONE.

I suppose there are a lot of changes I need to make as of next week.  I had given up chocolate, crisps, cookies, cakes, candy (has anyone else noticed they all begin with C?) at the beginning of the year.  I managed for 3 weeks and fell off the wagon when I was going through a bad patch.

I lived for over 13 years without a deep fat fryer and then my current partner said he would really like one for the house.  He cooks a lot of the meals as by dinner-time I am usually really sore and not able to cook much.  He’s also a great cook!  But I do need to remind him to use vegetables lol and a salad? ROFL that’s only when I am fit enough to make it.

Yes, I think there will need to be some major changes.

I was researching WLS again today and ended up reading more about the surgery.  I nearly said hello to my lunch again!  It’s things like this that make me bottle out.  Its so easy for me to live in denial.  I put everyone else ahead of me, my kids, my partner, my parents, my dogs…their needs and wants etc partly because it is my personality as wanting to please people but also because then I become so engrossed in dealing with them that it conveniently lets me put all my problems on the back-burner.

Jeez, I’m not making much sense tonight RANDOM RANDOM RANDOM!!!

Guess I’m a bit lost just now.

Ummmmmm

Where do I start?

I guess this will be kind of like therapy, only a lot cheaper.

I guess I have a lot of thoughts going around in my head (as I always do) but sometimes I find I can only make sense of them all by writing them down one by one.

I’m kind of in the middle just now I suppose.  Rapidly approaching 40, wondering how far I might make it past that.  Disabled.  Overweight.  Vastly overweight.  Depressed.  Fed up.

I have fairly good control of the depression, thanks in part to Seroxat and partly due to my picking apart my brain for the past 37 years.  LOL yes I said 37 years.  Mum first took me to the doctor with depression when I was 3.  I didn’t find this out until I was 28 and in the middle of a nervous breakdown.  My doctor had always found it puzzling how I have such control and understanding of depression, but couldn’t prevent it from happening over and over again.  Then at 28, my world collapsed in a number of ways and Hello Seroxat!  I know it gets a lot of bad press, but it works for me.  After a lot of therapy and head-banging and most of all my quick reaction to the extra Seratonin, my doctor and therapist came to the conclusion that I have had a chemical imbalance since I was a child.  Woooohooooo!

Added to all the physical problems I was born with and now endure I feel like I am stuck in some kind of whirlpool, trying desperately to swim my way out.  This wicked destructive cycle of pain, depression and comfort eating is slowly but surely killing me.  I can see what it is doing to me, I can understand why I cannot break the cycle, but understanding it hasn’t given me the strength to break it.

I am absolutely terrified of surgery.  I get queasy even thinking about operations.  But I don’t see any other way now.  I’ve tried it all.  Every diet, every fad, nothing works.  I want to see my kids grow up.  My little boy is telling me I don’t need to be fat.  He’s five and he gets it.

This is my first blog ever - can you tell? LOL

I suppose this will be where I spill my guts!

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