The shapes of my life

I did nothing all day. literally. period cramps. bad mood. discussions at home. I did nothing all day. Did not have bfast, lunch was egg+smoked meat (too salty, didn’t like) and salad. a muffin. no dinner because I was too upset. I still am.  What a wasted day.

Yesterday was much better, and though on thursday I started the paperwork to NOT RENEW my gym membership because it’s just too expensive and I don’t like it like the previous one (to recap: I moved my membership to this other branch of the same chain after I quit my job on the other side of town, because I was bound to pay till september, so I had at least a hope to come here… which didn’t really happened much… so no point int keep shelling out money I do not have) - I went and had a workout, and I plan on trying to use at least this last month… then no more gym!! So I’m happy of what I did (Both the canceling and the workout) but I am very very scared of now not having a plan for exercise from October 1st… argh.

If I don’t wake up with period pains, I might try to go again tomorrow….

I was good today and started the day with a good b-fast: banana, yogurt and soy milk in the blender for a yummy smoothie. I was bored at home so I decided to tackle the re-painting of the railings of the stairs and balcony - boy, I was sweating buckets but the result was worth it!

I really really craved a snack after my work, so I took out some carrot pieces I’ve peeled and cut yesterday, to eat with a little low fat cheese with wasabi paste, a plum for my sweet tooth and for a dring I stuck to my water with lemon and cucumber…

The myriad of dentist appointments of July seriously threw me off path completely - with both not wanting to exercise because increased blood flow anywhere = pain and alternating between not being able to eat and comfort eating… WHAT A DISASTER!!!

Today I was walking through the park with my dog, and I know it was the most genius decision as today was one of the hottest and most humid days we’ve had this summer, but I felt like a huge, sweating blob.  I have to find a way to ease back into exercising, because right now I think I would just collapse! The worst thing is that I have to go to the gym to cancel my subscription before the automatic renewal kicks in… I just can’t afford it, and the location is not that convenient for me. The old gym near the old job was a thing, but this is really not working - I don’t feel comfortable in the weight area for how it’s arranged, I hate the gym that’s overlooked by all the cardio machines… no wonder I have not gone there, after seeing how well you can see the people swimming….  the spa area is not as good… all and all, it’s not a good fit for me. I will have to get using the treadmill downstairs for real, and the bike… I don’t think I would buy anything more, though that pilates machine they’re selling looks very much like the one we’ve used in some class which I liked….

Dietwise, I hope I’m on a good path.. I’ve been eating lots of veggies, drinking lots of water (I’ve fallen in love with water with cucumber slices soaking in the bottle), and hopefully I can carry on….

I should try to gather inspiration from a friend of mine who’s lost LOADS of weight recently… the difference is amazing! I remember how proud I was when I first started loosing weight… I want to feel it again!

I am exhausted after this afternoon, but the dentist was not bad. After I told him that I’m leaving on a short trip on Friday, he said he was not going to extract anything but only start on the cavities. I really, really didn’t feel anything - the worst part was the metal clamp that kept some weird plastic thing in my mouth, exposing my tooth but keeping the rest covered - so no excess salivation or my tongue could get in the way. I was totally numb and even now that the the anesthesia went away, I fell a little weird but it’s not painful at all. The doc said I might experience some disconfort on my gum only where the metal clamp was, but that is not a big deal.

Now, the good thing is that I might drag my butt to the gym again tomorrow, do some useful stuff for the house, etc, and go to Baselga without any problem on friday.

The bad thing is that since this doc is not available next week, not to make me loose time in my treatment he had me booked with the other doctor I have to see, the one which will perform the part of my procedure that I dead the most - extract the broken tooth and put in an implant. I am scared to death of that!!! And this is what I am getting next wednesday.  I was expecting it to be the last procedure… oh well, at least it will be out of the way… but I seriously doubt I will sleep next tuesday…..

Today I reacted to all my fear and stress by falling asleep all afternoon after my return… I don’t know how the next few days after that will be!!!

Up till then, I want to be good, keep going to the gym, watching my food… being on a good roll, basically…

Ok so yesterday and today I managed to drag myself back to the gym. Did mainly cardio - I didn’t really feel much like hitting the machines or the free weights, hopefully that will come soon.

Have been ok food wise too - not overeating, not eating bad stuff, taking my vitamins and stuff, drinking lots of water… so where’s the problem?

I am scared of what the dentist will do to me in an hour’s time - though I don’t know if it will be something rather easy (fixing the cavities) or drastic (extracting the wisdom teeth)… so I have no idea of how will I feel later today. If I will be able to do housework or not. If I will just want to lie down with an ice pack. If I’ll be able to eat something or not. If I”ll just want to crash on the couch and sleep away the pain. SIGHHHH

I am very tired and a little sore from the workouts, but that feels really good and I’m proud for not getting lazy immediately… but right now I have a hard time thinking about anything which is not the dentist… aaargh. I have to get ready soon….

Okay, so this morning I was again thisclose to skipping the gym one more day… I kind of overslept like yesterday and what I did yesterday was thinking that it didn’t make sense to go to the gym so late…but today I realized that while it was probable that the lunchtime crowd would sweep in during good part of my workout, I didn’t have a lunch break or any timetable to follow, so I could go there even if it was late - and so I did.

I jumped out of bed, had a quick breakfast - I was going for a banana and some yogurt, and I ended up putting them in the blender with some soy milk… a yummy smoothie instead of boring old breakfast. And I avoided both the bread and the cereal….

Got ready and went to the gym - was not so bad! Did 45mins on the elliptical and some ABs and some stretching - not much but really I didn’t want to overdo it. Apart from sunday’s crazy skate I haven’t worked out in ages, and I want to go back tomorrow! I plan on doing a little more, but probably not a full blown workout with the weights and all - I’ll take these as a couple of “introductory” days and I’ll get back to my old routines on monday. I want to see if going a little earlier would help, because today there were too many people in the machines/weights area…

I also want to find a spot I like in the locker rooms - in my old gym I had my favorite place and I stuck to it, but this gym is quite different and the dressing rooms are much more open. The place where I was today had a mirror reflecting quite directly on my and I definitely didn’t feel at ease, but going out I saw a quieter angle and I want to try that instead.

Foodwise I’ve been good so far - bfast was ok, lunch was a beef patty and tomatoes salad, I kind of forgot any snacking apart from a diet coke with strawberry syrup (coca fraise, they call it in France, and it’s yummy. Now if only I could find a not-sugar-based strawberry aroma to add…), and I have no idea of what dinner will be but I will try to come up with something good, as I’ve been good today.

Next step is planning a menu for next week, so that I can do a sensible grocery shopping tomorrow…

The next BIG BIG BIG hurdle I’ll face is getting back on the scale. I know it will be horrifying to see whatever number it will be, and I don’t know where I will find the courage… but still, I know it will be useful so that I can have a number to tell me how it’s going, and to motivate me. It will be all another challenge not to get TOO influenced/depressed by those numbers…

ETA: Dinner’s done - mixed veggies, and scrambled egg with cherry tomatoes, mozzarella and olives… yummmmmmmm

now I’ll just have to refrain from snacking bad stuf…maybe an apple, later….

Yesterday evening I got a message from a former ice skating friend which I had talked with on facebook recently, inviting me to join her and her friends to a skate in the park on our inlines. I accepted thinking it could be an occasion to move a little , and get started with exercising again. Turns out that the little skate in the park was a 12km skate across various parts of the park, so far away that for most of it I had no clue of where I was. Which is actually the only reason I kept going - if I left them, I would be lost. I could not even call home to be picked up, because I didn’t know where I was!

Last time I had ventured to the park I had managed half an hour before my knee started to ache, ao I was kind of worried… but this time my knee was fine. It was my quads that were totally killing me… and we were gone for 1hr and a half, and though I didn’t finish the whole course (around the 10th km we crossed my road and I called it a day!) I am still happy because I still did a lot more than ever on inline skates. At the gym I have managed to surpass the 1hr time on the elliptical and ages ago also on the treadmill, but on the skates I never did more than 1hour at max. I just hope that tomorrow I can still walk, because I wanted to go to the gym!!! I haven’t been there in ages…

Plan for today must include get organized for a renewed gym and diet plan… I have to iron some of my too crumpled t-shirts so I have my gym bag easily done, and I need to seriously think about food…. plan a menu that is ok for me but also for my mother, esp. I have to think about breakfast and snacks… I think I’ll have to go shopping for some veggies to munch on instead of something worse…

Yesterday night and today I have also been taking my pills, I think my mood was dropping too low - yesterday I did nothing at all, I felt so depressed… Those will help me, I’m sure. I think that driving Massi to the doctors has kept me busy for the last month, and has given me a sense of purpose. Yesterday I felt a little useless and without anything important to do… and I didn’t like that. I have to help my mood - I am always walking on this thin edge between ok-ness and real depression - and get me focused on some stuff to do, and possibly my well being… who knows if I will have time to do much movement when I’ll find a job… I have to use this freedom as much as I can to get a head start on my condition. I want to be healthy. I want to be slimmer because it will help my knee, my energy, my self esteem….

Somewhere between painting the living room, working in the garden, and driving an injured friend to his medical appointments, my healthy plan and gym attendance and everything else got lost… I feel quite bad.

I know I did a lot of physical jobs which in some ways made up for a bit of gym time, but most of all I know I overindulged in food. I feel such a balloon right now! (my clothes actually say I am not right, as I fit in my same clothes as ever)

I think that the fact that I can’t seem to concentrate on “doing something for me” like the gym if I’m surrounded by chaos is the main culprit here -
with all the mess all around the house, I was not allowing myself to think about getting back to the gym and on a diet.  I had to “fix” everything first, then I could do the rest.  I know it is an ongoing problem with my mindset, but I haven’t been able to overcome it yet.

Anyway, the house is looking not too bad, and my friend is out of his crutches… I will find time for me now. I must and I want.

Back to the gym, and trying to eat better. I’ll work up a menu. I seriously doubt I might drag my butt to the gym tomorrow, my cramps are really bad. But I can start getting organized. Getting my supplies, writing down the exercise routine…

Ok so… I’m still not following up the plan very well. I haven’t gone to the gym today either, having overslept again because after waking up at 3am I couldn’t back to sleep for a loooong time… and my cramps were killing me today, I even decided to take a pill (which I normally try to avoid) and now I’m waiting for it to kick in before getting my butt off this couch and start painting the ceiling - it will do for the exercise of the day - it won’t be cardio, but it will kill my arms and back!!!
I don’t know what’s wrong with me this time, why my cramps are sooooo bad… hopefully tomorrow I will be ok. Right now I’ll happily curl up in bed and forget about everything. But seriously, I’m starting working now, I have to because I am sooo tired of having a mess all around the house, and half the content and furniture of the living room in mine….

Exactly one month ago, at this time, I was out for lunch with my mother who was kind of celebrating me giving up the job that I hated so much and that was reducing me to a physical and mental wreck.
It took me a while to relax, catch up with my health, re-organizing my thoughts and start feeling like a human being again. Then I could start thinking about getting back in shape.
I went to the gym a few times, and exactly a week ago I decided to take it seriously, keeping a food diary and trying to exercise every day, following a schedule at the gym.
The first week was a good start but went kind of derailed by an unexpected perk up in my social life, which went from totally dead to twice out for dinner in three days!! I had great fun so I will stop beating me up for what I ate… but I will learn the lesson that I must stay away from baking or too much cooking because it can trigger some uncontrolled eating.
This week I don’t really foresee and outing - maybe the theater on Friday or Saturday but I simply won’t go to eat out with the cast after the show, and if Teo would call me for that dinner out, I will suggest him to meet up after dinner - we have to chat, not eat, and he will understand my request, he’s training in this period….

And so… now what?

this is all I feel doing!

Yesterday I was still up way after 2am, and so I overlept again and didn’t go to the gym this morning. Not a good start. But I guess I know the culprit of part of my tiredness and moodyness… I am getting my period and the cramps will start soon, I know it… ugh.
I will get around preparing the house for painting, this time for real… I doubt I’m getting to do the first coat of white on the ceiling today… but at least I want to do all the cover-up of the windows and doors….