My name is Aj (nmrn). I am 31 years old, married with two kids. I work in Emergency Services, am a Boy Scout and Girl Scout Leader/Mentor and I am in a Master’s Degree program. I am 5 ft 5, and about 220 lbs. I haven’t even weighed myself in a LONG time, because I am afraid to. I haven’t always been overweight, and I have a million excuses under my belt as to WHY I am how I am. I am sure i have a ton of unresolved issues, and I know that doing something as drastic as changing the way you feel about your self and ultimately changing your health status and body takes a lot of work, dedication and above all, mental stamina.
I have been ‘overweight’ since 2001 when I had my second child. I have no damn idea what I was thinking. With my first pregnancy, i was active ( I was in the Navy) and barely gained a pound. I was a whopping 117 lbs after I gave birth to my eldest. Later I went though a crappy divorce and gained to about 130 lbs. (I cant believe I thought I was fat!!!) I met the love of my life and got comfortable and weighted about 150 lbs. By the time I got pregnant with my second child, I think I got too comfortable. I truly ate for two. When I was pregnant with DS (Dear Son- the eldest) I lived in Europe and I ate whatever I wanted. BUT- I exercised to Navy standards and was young (19). When DD (Dear Daughter- child 2) was born, I was about 160-170 lbs. I didn’t try to lose the weight. I got too lazy and comfortable with myself. I didn’t realize that my body had changed to the point that it was almost like I couldn’t turn back. I then got too involved with my life and doing things for other people, and I just didn’t think twice about myself. Eventually I started to hate the way that I looked, and it affected my entire life. Thank goodness I have my DH (Dear Husband) who has been supportive of me for the last 9.5 years that we have been married. He loves me no matter what I look like, even at my worst. I cant help but think that I am failing him though. I am not the cute athletic ’skinny’ girl he met back in the day. I am now overweight, unhealthy and full of ridiculous excuses.
In 2007, I went to the gym daily, watched what I ate and worked my effin tail off. I got to about 170 lbs, and I was soooo happy. My entire outlook on life changed for the better. I had set a goal for myself to get to 150 lbs, where according to photos, I looked pretty damn good.I went running, rock climbing, hiking- all kinds of things.
It didnt last.
Things just seemed to get worse over time, and I really think that I would have been able to manage my health a helluva lot better if I were happier and at a healthier weight. I have always had issues with my female reproductive health, and in Late 2008 I finally had a hysterectomy. The surgery went well, but recovery took a while. Before I had the surgery, I started to develop weird feelings in my skin, and an awful rash that covered the entire trunk of my body. I had several doctors misdiagnose me several times, and in April 09, I was finally diagnosed with SCLE. SCLE is Subacute Cutaneous Lupus Erythematosus. Basically I have pain in my skin that hurts so bad it feels like it goes to my bones. Its like chills but it hurts like hell, and it affects my daily living and quality of life. I cant be in the sun unprotected for long periods of time. I have to use medicated creams on my skin, and take pills every day to manage it. The shitty part is that it is hard to get under control. I have scars on my skin so bad that I feel I Will never be able to wear a bikini again. I even have a hard time wearing a tank top, or even being nude for my husband. There goes my playmate aspirations (haha.) When I sweat (like at the gym) it feels like my skin is on FIRE. So since i had the hyster and was dx with Lupus, I have went from 190 lbs to the 220-ish I am now.I know I will never be cured of the Lupus. But I betcha if by body was better cared for, it would be more manageable.
So what do I want?
- I want to be able to breathe.
- I want to be able to run.
- i want to be able to wear clothes that fit.
- I want to have my photograph taken and not be ashamed.
- I want to keep up with my kids.
- I want to stop being so scared.
- I want to be happier with myself.
- I want to stop being so shy.
- I want CONFIDENCE.
- I want to have sex with the lights on!
- I want to think about myself for once.
- To not less stress control my life.
So what am I going to do about it? I need a plan. Thats the kind of person i am. I need support. I need to find out WHY I got to be the way that I am, and why I dont do anything about it. This blog, I am hoping will not only track my progress, but help me sort through the mental issues that come with being a fat girl. I need to be ready for this change.