Archive for November, 2009

Thoughts….

So I did some talking and thinking with DH yesterday. I told him about my plan and my aspirations to be able to do this once again. He seems to be fully supportive. I told him about my fears and thoughts, and my ultimate plan regarding the mental changes as well as the physical. We talked about my various ’sizes’ I have experienced over the years, and why i might be overweight. He says that he thinks that my mother is not the best influence on me, which is likely true. my mother has battled her weight her entire life pretty much and she has a lot of health issues. My mother lives only a few blocks from me, and we do spend a lot of time talking (and fighting!) with each other. We stress each other out, and this ultimately leads to emotional eating for  both of us. He says that I need to learn to not let my mother get to me, and take care of myself instead of worrying about her deals. I really need to start thinking about ME.

Today is Thanksgiving. Hopefully it will be the last one where I am the size of a house.

So at work yesterday, my co workers and I had some good conversation regarding our sizes etc. All of us ladies in my office are overweight. We eat take out almost every day which costs us a lot pound wise but also in our pocketbooks. We made plans to change the way that we eat, but it will occur after the Christmas holiday. We made a vow to change the way that we treat ourselves in the office and overall. Eating takeout at work is one of my biggest nemesis. One co-worker thought about doing a biggest loser style contest in my office, which is a great idea.

I’m starting to make headway I think when it comes to the mental part of the whole adventure. Yay!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING EVERYONE!

I hope everyone has a great holiday, and whatever goals you have set for yourself be productive :)

Bad Habits I need to Break v1.0

So I need to analyze some bad habits I need to work on:

  • Weighing in every day-
  • Eating take out every day at work-
  • Focusing on my ‘bad parts’-
  • Not eating breakfast-
  • Not drinking enough water-
  • Stressing over stupid shit-

This will be an evolving list…

Decisions….

So I want to make this journey as effective as possible, and get this done for real this time. I feel that the worst part of it all is getting started, and for me, the hard part is not going to the gym or eating healthy, it is the mental aspect of it. Wrapping my head around the fact that I am a slob and I need to get healthy in order to live a longer life. I alrady have stacked cards against me (lupus) and I dont want to die when I am 50 or whatever. Being fat is going to exacerbate the issue and make that a reality. Having a blog and people who understand ‘listening’ should be able to help me overcome the obstacle of the mental part. I need to be 100 percent ready to do this and mentally prepared.

Note to self-

I am curious about how long it takes me to ‘run’ a mile. I will have to try that soon, maybe this week. I have to wait for my flare to get over with.   0_o

Should I do it???? ….

Should I weigh myself? I should because I need a starting point. I’m scared…

…………………………………………..

okay… 220# even. It was about where I thought it would be. Im just glad it isnt more than what I thought. It could be worse.   *sigh*

Some old pics…

2007 Sometime when I was thinner about 170#1996. Oh so tiny. Im on the left.

Introducing….me.

My name is Aj (nmrn). I am 31 years old, married with two kids. I work in Emergency Services, am a Boy Scout and Girl Scout Leader/Mentor and I am in a Master’s Degree program. I am 5 ft 5, and about 220 lbs. I haven’t even weighed myself in a LONG time, because I am afraid to. I haven’t always been overweight, and I have a million excuses under my belt as to WHY I am how I am. I am sure i have a ton of unresolved issues, and I know that doing something as drastic as changing the way you feel about your self and ultimately changing your health status and body takes a lot of work, dedication and above all, mental stamina.

I have been ‘overweight’ since 2001 when I had my second child. I have no damn idea what I was thinking. With my first pregnancy, i was active ( I was in the Navy) and barely gained a pound. I was a whopping 117 lbs after I gave birth to my eldest. Later I went though a crappy divorce and gained to about 130 lbs. (I cant believe I thought I was fat!!!) I met the love of my life and got comfortable and weighted about 150 lbs. By the time I got pregnant with my second child, I think I got too comfortable. I truly ate for two. When I was pregnant with DS (Dear Son- the eldest) I lived in Europe and I ate whatever I wanted. BUT- I exercised to Navy standards and was young (19). When DD (Dear Daughter- child 2) was born, I was about 160-170 lbs. I didn’t try to lose the weight. I got too lazy and comfortable with myself. I didn’t realize that my body had changed to the point that it was almost like I couldn’t turn back. I then got too involved with my life and doing things for other people, and I just didn’t think twice about myself. Eventually I started to hate the way that I looked, and it affected my entire life. Thank goodness I have my DH (Dear Husband) who has been supportive of me for the last 9.5 years that we have been married. He loves me no matter what I look like, even at my worst. I cant help but think that I am failing him though. I am not the cute athletic ’skinny’ girl he met back in the day. I am now overweight, unhealthy and full of ridiculous excuses.

In 2007, I went to the gym daily, watched what I ate and worked my effin tail off. I got to about 170 lbs, and I was soooo happy. My entire outlook on life changed for the better. I had set a goal for myself to get to 150 lbs, where according to photos, I looked pretty damn good.I went running, rock climbing, hiking- all kinds of things.

It didnt last.

Things just seemed to get worse over time, and I really think that I would have been able to manage my health a helluva lot better if I were happier and at a healthier weight. I have always had issues with my female reproductive health, and in Late 2008 I finally had a hysterectomy. The surgery went well, but recovery took a while. Before I had the surgery, I started to develop weird feelings in my skin, and an awful rash that covered the entire trunk of my body. I had several doctors misdiagnose me several times, and in April 09, I was finally diagnosed with SCLE. SCLE is Subacute Cutaneous Lupus Erythematosus. Basically I have pain in my skin that hurts so bad it feels like it goes to my bones. Its like chills but it hurts like hell, and it affects my daily living and quality of life. I cant be in the sun unprotected for long periods of time. I have to use medicated creams on my skin, and take pills every day to manage it. The shitty part is that it is hard to get under control. I have scars on my skin so bad that I feel I Will never be able to wear a bikini again. I even have a hard time wearing a tank top, or even being nude for my husband. There goes my playmate aspirations (haha.) When I sweat (like at the gym) it feels like my skin is on FIRE. So since i had the hyster and was dx with Lupus, I have went from 190 lbs to the 220-ish I am now.I know I will never be cured of the Lupus. But I betcha if by body was better cared for, it would be more manageable.

So what do I want?

  • I want to be able to breathe.
  • I want to be able to run.
  • i want to be able to wear clothes that fit.
  • I want to have my photograph taken and not be ashamed.
  • I want to keep up with my kids.
  • I want to stop being so scared.
  • I want to be happier with myself.
  • I want to stop being so shy.
  • I want CONFIDENCE.
  • I want to have sex with the lights on!
  • I want to think about myself for once.
  • To not less stress control my life.

So what am I going to do about it? I need a plan. Thats the kind of person i am. I need support. I need to find out WHY I got to be the way that I am, and why I dont do anything about it. This blog, I am hoping will not only track my progress, but help me sort through the mental issues that come with being a fat girl. I need to be ready for this change.