Re-committing to WW. AGAIN. But in such a more positive way.

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I had been wondering about WW. Should I stick with it? Let’s face the facts: I’ve been there 3 months, and I’ve barely lost a pound, overall. In fact, last week, I weighed in at exactly what I’d started out with.  It’s not WW’s fault, not at all - in fact, they do tell you exactly what to do, and are there to encourage you to do it, and in fact, it seems like everyone who loses weight the WW way, does it right. Except me.

So I had been rethinking - maybe I’m not motivated enough? Maybe I’m not able to? Maybe this is how I’m meant to be - fat?? It’s hard going in every week, and re-committing myself to weight loss, and then thinking I’ll be able to do it, and trying to stay within the points (18 seems so low!).

And then I walked in last week.I was horribly disappointed, and was contemplating just walking out, going home and ordering pizza or something. But after a few minutes, I decided to stick around for the meeting anyway. And then a couple talked about how they were inspired by me (ME!) and had decided to take up a personal challenge. You see, a month ago, I had shared with the group how I was trying to do a project a month until my 30th birthday next year. (Last month, it was running for 2 miles or working out for an hour. I aimed to do 30 days of exercise, but although I didn’t do all 30 days - I did do 20 of the 30 days). I had asked the group to keep my accountable - if they could - by just asking me when they see me how my running was going. And in fact, I was pleasantly surprised by the number of people who would smile and ask me “Did you run this week, young lady?”, and pleased as punch, I would say, why yes, I ran on so and so day, and I did this class on so and so day etc.

But I didn’t expect that a month later, someone would stand up and say that seeing me do my challenge, and seeing how I’d talk about it, inspired THEM to do something similar! The couple were going on a cruise, and resolved to do the activity classes every single day they were there, and asked us to keep them accountable.

And then…this week, someone else mentioned that seeing how I always seem to have tidbit information (tips, ideas I have about “projects”, and my energy(!), and how I motivated the other couple, challenged her to re-think the way she’s been going about her weight loss!

I cannot begin to describe the euphoric GRATITUDE I felt. It made me realize why I’ve been going back week after week to the meetings, even though I havent’ lost the weight. All this time, I would walk away motivated - even though I wasn’t losing, hearing others talk would make me recommit. THAT”s why I was able to try, and try again. And it made me realize that apparently I’d been doing the same for others!!

As someone who struggles with her self-deprecrating perceptions of herself, it was wonderful to feel like what i think and do matters, that *I* matter. And that I CAN make a difference. Right now, it’s making a difference to someone else. Which is a BIG BIG - MUCH BIGGER - deal than you can imagine! :) But hopefully, one of of these days, I’ll make a difference to my own life as well :)

‘Being happy doesn’t mean everything is perfect. It means you have decided to look beyond the imperfections’

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My best friend emailed me this weekend, and asked what would make me truly happy. She asked me to really narrow down my answer for her, and I thought I had when I wrote the following:

Lose 7 lbs to reach 130 before the end of the year. Which won’t happen in a month  *smile* So I guess that’s one of my “what makes me unhappy” things. Also what makes me happy:

  • * Watching an old movie while having BBQ chicken pizza and coke
  • * Coke makes me really happy - in fact, ice cold ones
  • * Notebooks
  • * Old cheesy songs
  • * Fat babies :)
  • * Hanging out with a fun, non-couple group of friends :) At a quiet, mellow lounge. Or at home, with food, feet on the couch, wine and coke.

I hit send, and then I went “Uh-oh!”. A) Most of what makes me happy involve food, or the consequences of food — i.e. fat babies. B) I started my answer out with a negative thought - i.e. with the premise that what would make me truly happy won’t actually come to fruition. And C)  all of my choices represent a deeper meaning.

The fact of the matter is, I associate food with love, comfort and meaningful relationships. To me, having friends over and eating together is a symbolic manifestation of the bonds of friendships. Friends who are close enough to want to just hang out with you, with no expectations of a formal invitation or entertainment. Old movies and notebooks are awesome in themselves, but I think old movies show my tendency to live in the past. Their reliance on dialogue over special effects, the dapper elegance of its actors over the designer-branded sophistication of today’s stars,  the fact that their characters are rarely without shades of black and white — if you ever see Holiday or the Philadelphia Story, you’ll know what I mean :)  — these things all appeal to my sense of how life should be. New notebooks always give me a sense of power - like a brand new start to my life. And fat babies are just cute. Especially when they’re crawling on the carpet with their diapers on  :)

 

My point is, I think I simplified my answer to my friend.  What will make me truly happy is very basic: I want my meaningful friends around me, spending time with me on a day-to-day basis. I want my life to be filled with love, warmth and laughter. I want a sense of direction in my life that may not set the world on fire, but which will allow me to wake up with a sense of anticipation, and a smile. I want to feel good about myself, and I want to make those around me feel good about themselves. 

A simple wish.

For a simple girl  :)

‘Turn your wounds into wisdom’ ~Oprah Winfrey

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I went for a hike yesterday. As my ass was getting kicked by the elevation - 2497 feet, thank you very much, my friend and I were just talking about facebook and pictures, when I commented - “Once I lose the weight, I’ll start posting pictures again”.

My friend suddenly looked relieved, and said “I’m so glad you realized. I’ve noticed how puffy your face has become, but I didn’t want to say anything in case you start eating more and gaining even more weight!” She was refering to my reverse-psychology syndrome.She continued sympathetically, “Have you weighed yourself recently? Did you gain all the weight back?”

Yes, I have weighed myself recently. No, I didn’t gain ALL the weight back, but definitely more than half of it. I am now 133.6 lbs. I mumbled about how I do know I’ve gained weight this summer, and that I’m now working on losing it again. And yes, I noticed how full and puffy my face has become.

But did you notice how I said “ONCE I lose the weight” - not if, but when. It’s a different mindset I think, from earlier. I hiked on, dusty and feeling beleaguered by the world, but inwardly, I tried to remind myself that it’s ok. I know I have to lose a lot of weight again. I know I’ll have to look “not my best” for a little while longer, until I can feel good about myself again, and until I can fit properly into the ever-tightening skinny slothes I’d bought last year. But I WILL lose the weight. And in the meantime, I can’t lose my confidence. I can’t start thinking of myself as worth any less because of the extra weight. I can’t start letting other people treat me like I’m invisible again.

After I got home, I showered, changed and got ready for a BBQ. It took me a while to find sometihng that fits well enough. Even though I felt bloated, I wore something off shoulder anyway. My arms may have looked big, but I walked into that BBQ confidently, determinedly. Fake it till you make it, right? My make up was done diligently, the smile was pasted onto my face and 4 hours later, when I got home with a migraine, and promptly went to bed, I made sure to think of prayers, people who’ve been kind, and dimpled babies.

This morning, I found a message on my facebook inbox tha started like this:

“Hello, darling! How are you? I was just looking at some of your pictures on your profile, and was exclaiming to myself how fabulous you’re looking these days! ”

Maybe the stars are looking up, after all?

‘Where do you go to get anorexia?’* ~ Shelley Winters

Filed Under motivation, yes I admit it | 347 Comments

I bit the bullet, and walked into Weight Watchers. As I’d suspected, I’ve gained. Eight pounds. If I were taller, it would look all right. If I were initially at the lower range of my age group, then eight pounds would be passable. Not great but there would still be some wiggle room to do things. Now I’ve officially gone back onto the overweight range again.

Still, things could be worse. I must focus on the fact that I still have 7 months to my 30th birthday, I still feel good enough, and I can still keep my “skinny” clothes around for a little bit longer before I have to give them away. If I manage to get things under control and lose the weight, I won’t need to go shopping for larger sized clothes.

Anyway, I am now officially on WeightWatchers. I figure I’ll give it 10 weeks. Within that time, I hope to see some progress. Wish me luck! :D

 

*It’s just a quote  I found funny- to show how people say things like this when they’re frustrated with their weight. I do not condone anorexia, nor am I an anorexic. Healthy approach to diet and exercise is the way to go! Now all I need to do is learn how to stay on track and not give in to my love for mac and cheese!

‘Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality’ ~ Ralph Marston

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I went on a vacation, and I guess it must have been good, because I’ve come back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.I’m also feeling..dare I say it? Optimistic. I haven’t lost any weight recently. In fact, I think I may have even gained some.  I am not sure how much since I haven’t gotten on the scale in a while.

Am I deluding myself? No, not at all. I am not seeing a skinny person staring back at me when I look into a mirror. I know how each and every morsel of food that’s going into my mouth could have been chosen better. I am not under any delusions, really, that I can eat the way I do, and lose weight.

But I still feel optimistic. For the first time in years, for some odd reason, when I tell myself “I am successful and beautiful”, I almost believe it. Even if it’s for a minute. And I can smile. And that, more than anything, is what motivates me today to start blogging again. To start doing better. To start the process of losing weight. It feels like I want to lose weight just because I can.

I eat how much!?

Filed Under Discouraged moments, motivation | 3901 Comments

I tracked my nutrition on sparkpeople for a week, and the results are rather discouraging.

nutrition-chart.JPG

I always knew I was a carbaholic, but to eat so much fat too?! Even though I’m eating within the “calorie range”, I’m eating such utter crap! I can’t imagine how to find the motivation to eat better, to make better choices. I’m so used to the convenience and the habit of just ordering the staples that it’s hard for me to deviate.

I need a game plan. Somehow all that I’ve been doing/think/talking about is not working for me. I don’t know what comes over me. Why I eat so mindlessly. My body is very unforgiving too. The first thing that bloats up when I’m gaining weight is my face. Then my stomach. When you’re barely five feet tall, you cannot afford puffy cheeks and pass them off as cute. It’s not cute to be an oompa loompa. Trust me.

It’s hard getting started

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So I’ve been on a downward spiral (or upward spiral, I should say, if I’m to be honest about the weighing scale), as recorded in my previous post. I have been diligent about recording my food intake on sparkpeople.com. I just haven’t been diligent about what I have been eating. So embarrassingly enough, you see stuff like cheeseburgers, fries, Cheeto’s listed on the nutrition tracker that SparkPeople provides. It glares at me like from the monitor screen.

So I went and bought myself a weigh-scale, as opposed to using the one at the gym. This way, I can weigh myself every morning. I’m a big fan of this method, because it keeps me in check. More than weighing myself every week. Some people are good at self-motivating. I’m good at motivating others, but for myself I need immediate results/gratification/validation. By weighing myself every morning, I have a sense of my progress. It makes me feel more in control, and I like that feeling. Especially when everything else seems to be haphazard and out of my control.

I am also reading The Weight-Loss Diaries, by Courtney Rubin. So far, I’m really liking it. While her family circumstances are very different from mine, still her relationship with food, her attitude towards diets and her thoughts are eerily like mine (and I’m sure with all those wanting to lose weight). It’s rather comforting to realize that there’s someone else out there who falls asleep “calculating how much weight I could possibly lose - what size I could possibly be and whether I could pull off something sleeveless” at the “end of this diet”, often forgetting that it’s supposed to be a lifestyle change. I.E. forever.

Yikes! It’s the food trap again…!

Filed Under General, Introduction, motivation | 4733 Comments

Talk about falling off the wagon. Again! It’s a startling and humbling realization that I am more dependent on food than I had realized. I have been eating non-stop - nonstop!!! - anything and everything in sight! I’ve had two dinners at times. I’ve eaten dinner-sized portions for dinner, lunch and breakfast. I am a food addict.

There. I said it. Mind you, it’s not as though I was in denial. I was unaware of being a food addict. All this time, I was convinced that I ate because I was sad, or depressed. That at times my weight was a reflection of my inner turmoil. And maybe it started off that way. But I realized today that I enjoy the process of eating too. That it’s comforting and wonderful. That I’m constantly attracted to, and craving, food.

Now if only I could be attracted to quality food. Like salads and fruits. Whole grain.

Instead, I’ve been wolfing down burgers, pizza slices and fettucine alfredo with breaded chicken as though they’re about to go out of style tomorrow! Which come to think of it, they ought to be….

So that’s it then folks! I start yet another weight loss journey! Stay tuned….!

‘Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.’ ~ Willie Nelson

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So this idea of “Fake it till you make it” is one that I’ve come across almost everywhere. The reason I used to balk at this piece of advice is because I always thought that it was (a) deluding myself, (b) it just glossed over the issue and that somehow I would turn into a Stepford girl.

But maybe it has merit after all. The power of positive thinking,  of  suggestion is huge. Books such as this,  or this are convinced that just by thinking something, and believing in it, it’ll happen. I’ve always scoffed at this notion - what? I’ll just miraculously grow 5 inches taller? But maybe the mind if a different matter.

However, it may not simply be enough to say “Oh Aino, you’re worth it!”  Yes, I am worth it. That’s why I get so mad when I don’t get what I’m worth - because there’s a sense of entitlement, and when that sense is unfulfilled and ignored, I can’t handle it.

I have to figure out the business of positive thinking, and make it positive and right thinking. I need to learn how to turn around every seemingly negative situation into a positive one. This is something I can do for others very well - point out the good of their situations. But when it comes to myself, I become very bitter and cranky. I take on a very fatalistic attitude. Ofcourse this happened to me, Of course my car died, Of course I’m broke, Of course I won’t lose weight easily, Of course I will die alone.  Whereas whenever something good comes my way, I find it easy to dismiss it as something nice, but not good enough.Yes, I got that raise but I still have my student loans to pay off. It’s not enough!  Yes, I lost 15 pounds but I still have at least another 15 pounds to lose. Yes, I am a sweet, funny person but I’m not beautiful and sexy. 

I always negate the positives in my life. And that’s something I really really really have to work on. (I also have to stop ending my sentences with prepositions! Sr.Carmen is probably rolling in her grave right now!). I need to do this for myself. I’m worth this.

‘Cheers to a New Year and another chance for us to get it right’ ~ Oprah

Filed Under goals, motivation | 336 Comments

Happy New Year! I rang in the new year in Shanghai, China !

 China was extraordinary. The cultural shock notwithstanding, I had fun traipsing through the thousands of years of history of Beijing, Xi’an and Shanghai. One of the oldest civilizations in the world, and its people have somehow perfected the art of eating a carb-heavy diet and still retain some of the thinnest figures around. Remember my gorgeous friend who gets all the guys? Well she was still gorgeous in China, but the weirdest thing was - she was considered a “large” size ! Holy crapola - i didn’t even dare pick up something to try on,  not wanting the saleswoman to screech - “you no small! you large-a size” the way she did at my friend. In my case, the poor saleswoman would probably have had a heart attack, since I don’t think stores in China carry anything that goes past a US size 2. Even their XL would have been snug on me, and I’m a size 4/6 now.

Haha, well the food was great - the travels wonderful, but I’m glad to be back. It’s time to take Project Aino to the next level. Kick it up a notch. Or two. Even though I know it’s cliche to make resolutions come January,  I must make them. If I want to see the change,and feel the change I desperately whine about in this blog then I must write down my goals , if you will (I like to think of it as THE PLAN) . So without further adieu:

Be more active.

To that effect, I signed up for a 5K in February and a relay in April. The relay will  be 199 miles of running divided among a group of 12. The distance depends on the level of the course you run, so a runner could run anyway from 15-20 miles. Definitely harder than the half marathon but sounds like more fun too! The 5K in February will be a precursor.

Like myself.

I will never be as pretty as Angelina Jolie. But I have to remind myself “So what?”. I have to stop feeling so insecure about my looks, and just enjoy myself. For every time a person compliments other people in front of me, ignores me or compares me and finds me lacking, I’ll have to tell myself that it’s ok. It’s their taste, and their judgment. It doesn’t have anything to do with me. Hey people may always love tiramisu, but most times plain vanilla is awesome too ! :)

Blog more often.

Self-explanatory really but the idea is to be more accountable to you. Do I make the right decisions daily? Do I have the right attitude for weight loss - and more importantly, the right reasons for weight loss? Do I maintain my selfrespect and my self worth? Blogging is a great way to be grounded, to track my progress, to vocalize my fears/accomplishments and to garner support in my journey. I must take full advantage of this wonderful resource! :)

Here’s to a better, healthier 2008 you all!

A recommitment: A fresh start? No. A committed start.

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I really like how Shape magazine follows one person’s journey for a year in their weight loss diary section. Somehow reading about a person’s constant progress - and sometimes lack thereof - rejuvenates my motivation in a way nothing else does. The success stories are great - it jumpstarts my interest, but this diary concept is somehow more real, and affects me more. Sometimes the diarist suffers a set back, sometimes they don’t lose a lot of weight but they gain a lot of confidence and self-respect. Sometimes they go above and beyond their goal weight.

I would like my blog to reflect that kind of commitment as well. A steady progress - whether in weight loss, or  increase in self worth. With the new year around the corner, this is the perfect chance for a fresh beginning. Slow is ok. I have to remember that.

Filed Under Discouraged moments, goals, motivation | 151 Comments

Thanksgiving, two root canals, three fillings, traveling to Toronto, Vegas and San Diego and finishing my run have all had effects on me: I am now 2 lbs heavier than I was in October, and haven’t exercised for about 2.5 weeks. Hmm….seeing a pattern? I am already sluggish again. I need to remotivate and rejuvenate myself asap!!!

Why is it so easy to slide back to old bad habits of eating and not exercising? I mean, why can’t I just do 20/30 minutes of walking a day, just until I’m ready to kick it up a notch. At least I’ll be getting some exercise…

Ok, that’s it! I cannot end the year heavier than my 125. I was 126.8 this morning. I’m going to sign up for a 5 or a 10K to ease my self into running again, and have a goal to work towards. I think I’ve realized how lazy I am, and how I always need something to work towards because when I don’t - I’m easily persuaded to delude myself into thinking that I can procrastinate some more!

Filed Under goals, motivation | 4122 Comments

Without any further ado, here are my top reasons for wanting to lose weight:

  • I will feel better about myself

Having lost 15 lbs, I already notice a change in the way I feel, the way I react and the way others react to me. It’s definitely more positive. But I still have a bit of a way to go.  I’ve noticed an increase in my self-esteem, and I love that feeling. I’ve missed being okay with myself, and  if I can lose the remaining 15 lbs, I’ll be in seventh heaven. It’s something I definitely want to be able to achieve.

  • I will be able to eventually run a FULL marathon!

13.1 miles was a huge accomplishment - something I wouldnt’ have imagined 5 months ago. But in May, I took the plunge and signed up for the Nike half-marathon. When I started running, I was barely able to run half a mile! My next goal: to be able to run the distance of a full marathon, even if I do it on my own.

  • So I can indulge a little bit of my shallow side:

I know this may seem shallow, but I want to be able to experiment with different styles without always worrying about bursting at the seams, too much cleavage, whether or not an outfit camouflages the rolls of fat on my body. I also want to be able to look into a mirror and go “Hmm.. not too shabby” :)

‘Instead of giving myself reasons why I can’t, I give myself reasons why I can’ ~ Anonymous

Filed Under motivation | 331 Comments

A friend of mine wants to lose weight, and somehow reading that post on her blog rejuvenated my motivation. So I “dusted” off my lazy ass, and got onto the spreadsheet I’d created two weeks ago and revamped it a little. It was a disheartening to realize that today I’m 126, essentially the weight I’d reached back in JUNE! Which means this is now my stable weight. Granted, I’ll take 126 over the 140 I was 9 months ago, but still…

So anyway, where am I mentally this week? In a really calm place. The negative thoughts are still lurking but for once it’s listening to the “shut ups” I keep yelling out to them. I really do need to remember that if I devalue myself to others, no one is going to realize my worth. So I’m working hard in being seen, in being heard and most importantly, being remembered.

I wrote down the four main goals for this month that I want to try and achieve. Hopefully this will get me off this weight plateau I’ve reached.

  1. Drink water: the most basic rule of effective weight-loss strategies, and probably the hardest for me. I drink about 4 glasses of water per day (on average), but I want to increase that to at least 6 by September 30, 2007.
  2. Work out: while I’m running on Saturdays and doing track workouts on Tuesdays, I don’t do much else. In order to get the scale moving again, I have to increase the amount of calories I burn or decrease the amount of calories I intake. Exercising an additional 2 days a week will hopefully speed up the weight loss process for me.
  3. Journal and record progress: I built a spreadsheet to keep track of daily weigh-ins, and calorie-intake. It’s silly but it keeps me in check. This blog is another tool to help me lose weight too….just by being able to talk about all the thoughts in my head helps. I mean most of the time I’m whining but afterwards I feel better, and can usually stop myself from giving in to the temptation for Coke or ice cream or something equally hazardous to my health
  4. Eat out less: this one I have NO idea how to get a handle on. I always end up buying lunch - which usually translates to fast food or mexican. Dinner is often eaten out as well. Not good for the waist or the wallet because you get tempted into buying appetizer, entree AND dessert. Not to mention the drinks of course, soft or otherwise. Maybe I should look into making my own lunches….

There are plenty of other things I should be doing but let’s focus on these four goals for the rest of the month, and evalaute my position at the end of it. If it makes some positive changes, we can then see how to improve/add on to these goals! :)

“Good things come slow - especially in distance running.” ~ Bill Dellinger, Oregon coach

Filed Under exercise, motivation, running | 210 Comments

I don’t know if I mentioned it before but I recently took up running. I’m training for the Nike Marathon in San Francisco this October. It’s been about a month and a half, and I jsut ran 8 miles today! For someone who hadn’t run more than 100 yards before,  this is certainly an achievement! I do a run/walk combination so I shouldn’t be too boastful, but I feel very good about myself today :D

I took up running as a way to get some exercise. There is a free gym at work that I can’t bring myself to actually go to. I guess maybe because it’s indoors, and running on a treadmill just doesn’t have the same appeal. Anyway, I have always wanted to be a sporty girl, but I suck at most sports. Besides, I also didn’t want to join any team until I was in shape, because I didn’t want to be known as the girl “who can’t play because she runs out breath and needs to rest every 3 minutes”! So running seemed like a good solution: even though I am the world’s slowest runner, at least no one else is dependent on me, so I can afford to be slow. For now, it’s helping me get into a routine, learn how to be committed and consistent to a sport, and then hopefully once I’m done the marathon, I can join a soccer or baseball league! :)