Keeping my morale up, in any way I can….

Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 4 Comments

Weight-wise I’m back to where I started when I joined WW. On teh plus side, I’m on Day 10 of my 30 day challenge of running 2miles, or doing 1 hour of a physical activity. So far, I’ve 

  • run 5 days
  • walked 1 day
  • taken step aerobics twice
  • taken cardio bosu once
Which means that I’ve taken one day off - which is right in keeping with my plan :) I’m really sad I’ve gained weight again, but I am pleased that I’m forcing myself ot do something physical every single day… it’s hard motivating myself, but I do it. It doesn’t change the way I look, or the way I feel, except that for the 30 minutes or so after a workout when I feel like I’m distracted enough. 
Negative thoughts are the bane of my existence. I can’t seem to ever stop them, and I wish I knew how. It’s a recurring theme here, in my blog. I feel positive about other people, but I can’t translate that positive energy to my own thoughts, to my own approach to life. I am trying so many different tactics, including telling myself “I am worth it/beautiful/whathave you”, praying, reading self-help books and even agreeing with their mantra, trying to believe. I just hope something shifts in my head soon. 
If I am ever lucky enough to have kids, I will NEVER let them taste soda except as an occasional treat. They’ll drink milk and/or water with every meal. I’ll make them think that even juice is a decadent pleasure to be indulged in on the weekends ;-)  Maybe then they won’t have the pathetic comfort ties with food that I seem to have. 

‘If all you ever do is all you’ve ever done, then all you’ll ever get is all you ever got.’ ~ some Texan saying

Filed Under Emotional eating | 7 Comments

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, this week’s WW meeting was on managing our negative thoughts. You can probably tell, but I am the Queen of Negativity when it comes to myself. The leader asked us to write down some of the negative thoughts that go through our heads. Most people wrote down along the lines of “I should not want to eat that second piece of chocolate bar”, or “I can never resist an extra helping of stuffing”. Mine was “(Something negative) happened because I’m so fat.”

Is it only me who thinks that once my fat disappears, I will be a better, nicer, prettier, luckier person? That all my problems will be solved, and I’ll get what I want? Logically, I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! But I can’t seem to help thinking that somehow I’ll get lucky in love, in life, in work, in friendships, in achievements once I lose the weight.And yet, I’m also not willing to put in the work, fears of failure clouding my every action. Those feelings of resentment again - “What’s the point? Will it really make a difference? What happens if I lose the weight, and still nothing happens?”

I was supposed to go to yoga this morning, but I bailed.

But I must not think this way. I must think better, more positively. More than think, I must do. Fake it till I make it, or die trying ;- )

Dangerous Liaisons…

Filed Under Emotional eating | 4 Comments

You know, until today, I only read / half knew about how family can sabotage your diet efforts. This weekend, I experienced it (or at least, was aware of it) for the first time.

I went ot San Diego on an impromptu visit this weekend. While it was really nice, it was also a very calorie-intensive weekend. My cousin’s wife had bought “my favourites” - cheese curls, coke and regular cream cheese for the toast. Despite telling them how I want to lose weight, they fed me pasta, meatballs, mashed potatoes and sweets. The cousin’s wife kept up a running dialogue: my, havne’t I lost a lot of weight! I must certainly keep at it, I look so much better now, and by the way, I must absolutely have another helping of her parmesan cheesy potato bake whcih she made specifically for me? Don’t I love it? Then why am I not having more? She must have done a rotten job….No no, you didn’t, Cousin Evelina. Yes I did - why else would I not finish what’s on my plate?

If you are seeing that I have trouble saying no, why the heck do you keep insisiting on second and third helpings? I was successful a few times in deflecting attention, and moving away from the food. But at one point, I just gave in. I couldn’t help it. It was like a moth being drawn to a flame. How the HECK do people exercise their will power, without hurting the feelings of their hosts?

‘But, you get the pizza and it’s not about the food, it’s about the camaraderie. Eating the pizza with friends..’ ~ Brendan Leonard

Filed Under Emotional eating, General | 2 Comments

The what: A week of indulging in all the old favourites.

The price: A gain of 3 lbs, lots of excellent memories with family and friends, and a realization that not all of my old favourite dishes make it to my current favourites list :)

Detailed analysis: A trip home after 8 months triggered a whirlwind of visits to all the old haunts: Montana’s, Spring Rolls, Tim Horton’s, Smitty’s, Boston Pizza, Richtree, Demetre’s etc. I couldn’t wait to have poutine, real bagels, real pizzas, tim horton’s ice cappuccinos and all the other delicious favourites that I hadn’t had for the past 8 months. It was fantastic! But the best part was not the food. I had missed the food, sure. However, what I realized was that it was the company that I missed more! I loved meeting up with the friends, and I noticed that I just fell into the old pattern of meeting at restaurants and cafes, and ordering “comfort food”   - cheesy garlic breads, chicken wings, fries. :( Hence the 3 lbs gain. I am letting it slide because I was there for only a week, and I now know that I am strong enough to start tomorrow with a clean slate and not continue down that road. What’s even more pleasing to me is that I did go running (once), ate smaller portions than I previously used to, and realized that some of my old favourites (which I absolutely couldn’t live without) are now in the “hey it’s nice to have a little bit every now and then” category :)

In the end, I am glad I went home. I am glad I did eat whatever I wanted to eat. I am glad I spent time with my friends and family.  And I am glad that I am now ready to lose the 3 lbs I gained, and the rest of the 5 lbs to my goal.

‘Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign that something is eating us’ ~ Peter de Vries

Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 2 Comments

I think I was always sceptical of the phrase “emotional eater”. It sounded like an excuse - the idea of using food as a crutch, eating when something upsets you, seemed like a silly thing to do. Until I realized that I was the queen of emotional eating. I ate every time someone made a comment about my weight. I ate every time someone said/did anything that upset me (even non-weight related stuff!), and I even ate every time I was too happy :) I got an A on that paper? OOO let’s celebrate by ordering pizza and wings!

Breaking out of that pattern is the hardest thing for me. Every time I have an extreme emotion, especially when I’m feeling sad/angry, my first inclination is to reach out for some sort of food.I’ve had a difficult day at work today. Nothing bad per se, just very difficult. And I’m fighting tooth and nail not to just walk over to the Safeway, buy myself a big bag of cheetos and some coke, and just downing that while sitting in front of the TV.  I know I don’t need it. But why does it feel like I do?

Does anyone else ever have this problem? Knowing not to do something, and being able to resist doing it!?