And here I am… again!

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 8797 Comments

I feel like Joelle from Biggest Loser - and it depresses the crap out of me. She talks the talk - oh how she can talk! - and says all these things, but in the end, she’s closed off to ideas, to feedback, she’s in denial about the amount of effort she put in, and at the end of the day, she’s not ready for that intense commitment. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to take it slow, and doing it at your own pace, but there is something wrong with thinking you’re doing something at a certain level, when you’re clearly not. And that was my problem with Joelle, and that is the problem with me.

I know what needs to be done, and I know how to say the right things to other people. And yet I’m not doing any of it! I am de-motivated, depressed and not at all ready to make the physical sacrifices. I have completely the wrong mindset about losing weight. I focus on other people’s ability to lose weight, I focus on their accomplishments and feeling like I fall short, I dont’ dare try. In fact, not only do I not try to lose weight, I eat MORE when I’m feeling inadequate. I knowingly sabotage myself.  I stay in bed long after I wake up at 6 am, to avoid working out. I order a large stuffed crust pizza and eat the whole thing within 24 hours, even though I know that one slice would have sufficed my craving. I eat till I feel bloated, gross and have guaranteed a weight gain. I do this in defiance, in anger, in spite.But I need to stop being the victim. If I don’t lose the weight that I’ve gained back, all it means is that I have to behave better starting NOW.
I do this on a regular enough basis - this recommiting to weight loss - that it’s starting to sound like a case of the “boy who cries wolf!” BUT I don’t see any other way. Re-commit. Focus. Change. It’s the only way.

Keeping my morale up, in any way I can….

Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 5939 Comments

Weight-wise I’m back to where I started when I joined WW. On teh plus side, I’m on Day 10 of my 30 day challenge of running 2miles, or doing 1 hour of a physical activity. So far, I’ve 

  • run 5 days
  • walked 1 day
  • taken step aerobics twice
  • taken cardio bosu once
Which means that I’ve taken one day off - which is right in keeping with my plan :) I’m really sad I’ve gained weight again, but I am pleased that I’m forcing myself ot do something physical every single day… it’s hard motivating myself, but I do it. It doesn’t change the way I look, or the way I feel, except that for the 30 minutes or so after a workout when I feel like I’m distracted enough. 
Negative thoughts are the bane of my existence. I can’t seem to ever stop them, and I wish I knew how. It’s a recurring theme here, in my blog. I feel positive about other people, but I can’t translate that positive energy to my own thoughts, to my own approach to life. I am trying so many different tactics, including telling myself “I am worth it/beautiful/whathave you”, praying, reading self-help books and even agreeing with their mantra, trying to believe. I just hope something shifts in my head soon. 
If I am ever lucky enough to have kids, I will NEVER let them taste soda except as an occasional treat. They’ll drink milk and/or water with every meal. I’ll make them think that even juice is a decadent pleasure to be indulged in on the weekends ;-)  Maybe then they won’t have the pathetic comfort ties with food that I seem to have. 

I eat how much!?

Filed Under Discouraged moments, motivation | 3900 Comments

I tracked my nutrition on sparkpeople for a week, and the results are rather discouraging.

nutrition-chart.JPG

I always knew I was a carbaholic, but to eat so much fat too?! Even though I’m eating within the “calorie range”, I’m eating such utter crap! I can’t imagine how to find the motivation to eat better, to make better choices. I’m so used to the convenience and the habit of just ordering the staples that it’s hard for me to deviate.

I need a game plan. Somehow all that I’ve been doing/think/talking about is not working for me. I don’t know what comes over me. Why I eat so mindlessly. My body is very unforgiving too. The first thing that bloats up when I’m gaining weight is my face. Then my stomach. When you’re barely five feet tall, you cannot afford puffy cheeks and pass them off as cute. It’s not cute to be an oompa loompa. Trust me.

Jumpstart!

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 202 Comments

A week later, and I’m up to 129 lbs! :( This is ridiculous! It took me forever to reach 125, and then I stagnated there for a year, and now my weight is going back up?! I cannot become a statistic, one of those people who cannot sustain a weight loss, and who cannot go past their plateau!

  • I went to Safeway and bought some groceries to make my lunch at work.
  • I’m going to start walking/running again. Not working out is seriously taking a toll on me.
  • I am going to start going to my kick-boxing classes more diligently. So far I’ve managed to go twice in three weeks…I need to amp this up to at least twice a week.
  • Portion CONTROL!

I need to start incorporating more salads and protein into my meals. Why is it easier said than done!?

‘I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know’ ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 5306 Comments

I haven’t been blogging lately because of how crappy I’ve been feeling. I know that’s probably when I should blog, just so I can get out the poison and negative thoughts from my head but honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to write down the thoughts, the intensity of my self-criticism.

The problem is I have no earthly reason to feel this way. I have a job that I’m liking more and more every day - it’s getting …dare I say it?…fun. I finally have my  finances under control. My birthday this past Friday was actually a lot of fun, and made me realize that I’ve made valuable friends in the Bay area, something that I often overlook when I am down and upset.  My weight loss could be more, but let’s face it, I’m hardly fat anymore. I’m now a little chubby and need toning, but overall, I look fine. I’m running, and I’ll be signing up for Kickboxing after The Relay this weekend.

And yet…I am F*&$#*@ depressed. And the worst part is no one gets it. I can’t talk about it in person with anyone because I feel like people will either just tell me “oh it’s up to u to snap out of it”, or they’ll give me too much sympathy and it’ll make me feel worse. I wish I could snap out of it. Heaven knows I try. EVERY morning. I wake up, I give myself a pep talk. I try and listen to happy music, I try to focus on the good stuff in my life, I read comics to cheer myself up, I talk cheerfully with people. If you see my pictures - people are constantly mentioning how it looks like I’m having so much fun all the time. I’m constantly smiling. And no one - but no one - sees how I cry myself to sleep every night. How I just want to run away and hide from everyone. How people just get to me. I don’t want to deal with their lives, their words, their actions.

I feel ungrateful and petty if I try and talk to people about it. A loser who whines and can’t get her act together. I feel unaccomplished and incomplete and if I could just fly away, I would. Right now.

‘As high as we have mounted in delight,In our dejection do we sink as low.’ ~ Wordsworth

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 188 Comments

2008 is off to a really crappy start. It needs to cease its relentless infliction of misery, and call a truce with me. So far this year,

  • I had a car accident - my third in a year! Whereas the last two times were not my fault, this time…I don’t know what happened. Physically I’m fine, emotionally and financially I’m devastated.
  • The boy I like, and who flirts with me like crazy… has a girlfriend. Someone he saw fit to mention only recently.
  • This other “possibility of progress”, a really nice guy - who is very sweet and kind, has a thing for a friend of mine. It’s like, will I ever have a chance with ANYONE? People say *I* am the picky one - well then how come I’m also the unwanted one?
  • My job is going nowhere. I can’t foresee the next step right now, and money-wise, unless I see an improvement soon … it’s getting harder and harder to meet my day-to-day expenses, particularly with unexpected expenses such as a major car accident.

 I feel fat, bloated and depressed. As a person with melancholic tendencies, I find it incredibly hard to remain optimistic and upbeat. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be “whole”, if I will ever be content.

 My weight is still around 125, but I’m sluggish and bloated all the time. My food choices have been poor, and I can see my face has filled out. It’s only a matter of time before the scale reflects that too.

How I can bring myself out of this funk? How can I make myself feel worth it? More importantly, when will things CHANGE in my life for the better?

Filed Under Discouraged moments, goals, motivation | 151 Comments

Thanksgiving, two root canals, three fillings, traveling to Toronto, Vegas and San Diego and finishing my run have all had effects on me: I am now 2 lbs heavier than I was in October, and haven’t exercised for about 2.5 weeks. Hmm….seeing a pattern? I am already sluggish again. I need to remotivate and rejuvenate myself asap!!!

Why is it so easy to slide back to old bad habits of eating and not exercising? I mean, why can’t I just do 20/30 minutes of walking a day, just until I’m ready to kick it up a notch. At least I’ll be getting some exercise…

Ok, that’s it! I cannot end the year heavier than my 125. I was 126.8 this morning. I’m going to sign up for a 5 or a 10K to ease my self into running again, and have a goal to work towards. I think I’ve realized how lazy I am, and how I always need something to work towards because when I don’t - I’m easily persuaded to delude myself into thinking that I can procrastinate some more!

‘Everything has beauty but not everyone sees it’ ~ Anonymous

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 7312 Comments

I came across this blog entry http://www.diet-blog.com/archives/2007/04/24/everyone_needs_fat_friends.php and I have to admit that lately I’ve felt like that…a friend of mine lost 30 lbs 2 years ago following a divorce, and it seems that guys now cannot get enough of her. When I go out with her, the treatment is different. First of all, every guy - and I mean EVERY guy, we meet all pursue her. I get treated better too, but at the end of the night, it’s her number they want. Guys are nice to me in the hopes of getting to her. And that’s if they notice me in the first place.

I know I consider myself ugly. I am working hard every day to think differently, but it’s HARD. I do know that the truth is somewhere in between - that people would think I’m beautiful if I thought of myself as beautiful (up to a point though…) but I can’t think I’m beautiful if no one else thinks it too… I’m stuck in this vicious cycle: people don’t think I’m beautiful/attractive, which makes me less confident and more bitter, and that makes me less attractive/beautiful…and so on…

I also know that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder”, that if people love you, you are beautiful to them. But how do I attract that person to want to get to know me enough to fall in love with me? If beauty is only skin deep, then why the heck do guys always go for the universally pretty one? And who wants beauty to be more than skin deep anyway? What do u want? Attractive, beautiful blood vessels? Intenstine?

How do I work on this? How do I convince myself that I’m beautiful and how do I convince YOU of it? I dont know if it makes me shallow, but for once, I don’t want to be the “other” friend. I want to be able to walk into a room, and be admired for ME. I want to be appreciated by strangers, just ONCE. Someone saying “hey, you’re so pretty” to ME. 

 ”Once you are real, you can’t be ugly . . . except to those who don’t understand”… seems like there are a lot of people who dont’ understand…

 But this is something I must remind myself. I read this beautiful passage by Khalil Gibran: Upon a day Beauty and Ugliness met on the shore of a sea. And they said to one another, “Let us bathe in the sea.” Then they disrobed and swam in the waters. And after a while Ugliness came back to shore and garmented himself with the garments of Beauty and walked his way. And Beauty too came out of the sea, and found not her raiment, and she was too shy to be naked, therefore she dressed herself with the raiment of Ugliness. And Beauty walked her way. And to this very day men and women mistake the one for the other. Yet some there are who have beheld the face of Beauty, and they know her notwithstanding her garments. And some there be who know the face of Ugliness, and the cloth conceals him not from their eyes.

Hopefully someday people will think I’m beautiful.

‘The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved’~ Mother Teresa

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 3964 Comments

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever find someone who looks at me and sees past my weight, and ‘ugliness’. I know this sounds stupid because logically I know I am not ugly. But when I’m out there, and guys turn to my friends and hits on them, and sks them out, and calls them pretty, and asks me to help them get the girl…

How much of my self worth is tied ot my weight, and how much of my weight is a result of my selfworth, I cannot tell. I don’t remember at one point, each blended into the other and now I can’t separate the two concepts in my head. I read other people’s struggle with their weights, and most people seem to be married or in a committed relationship. Some partners are supportive, others less so but the point is - they seem to have found someone who likes them, who wants to be with them. I don’t have that. I don’t know if I will.

‘Gluttony is an emotional escape, a sign that something is eating us’ ~ Peter de Vries

Filed Under Discouraged moments, Emotional eating | 275 Comments

I think I was always sceptical of the phrase “emotional eater”. It sounded like an excuse - the idea of using food as a crutch, eating when something upsets you, seemed like a silly thing to do. Until I realized that I was the queen of emotional eating. I ate every time someone made a comment about my weight. I ate every time someone said/did anything that upset me (even non-weight related stuff!), and I even ate every time I was too happy :) I got an A on that paper? OOO let’s celebrate by ordering pizza and wings!

Breaking out of that pattern is the hardest thing for me. Every time I have an extreme emotion, especially when I’m feeling sad/angry, my first inclination is to reach out for some sort of food.I’ve had a difficult day at work today. Nothing bad per se, just very difficult. And I’m fighting tooth and nail not to just walk over to the Safeway, buy myself a big bag of cheetos and some coke, and just downing that while sitting in front of the TV.  I know I don’t need it. But why does it feel like I do?

Does anyone else ever have this problem? Knowing not to do something, and being able to resist doing it!?