An Introduction to Aino

It was the last year in high school that I started to gain weight. It was pretty gradual, and I did not notice that I was no longer average, but starting to be called chubby and cute. I started university at 118 lbs, which when you are barely 5 feet tall, is actually close to the upper limit of your ideal weight range. Still, I was fine with myself. Like a lot of self-centred freshmen, I was so absorbed in my world of late night snacking/pizzas, dancing and skipping classes, that by the end of first year, I was a whopping 130! “Still”, I thought to myself, “it’s only 12 lbs more than what I used to be - that’s not fat! I can easily lose this”.

Little did I realize that I had not developed the habit of healthy eating. Or exercise. Not only did I not lose the extra 12 lbs, but the weight kept creeping up till by the time I graduated and started grad school, I was a whopping 145 lbs! I looked like a squashed bull-frog! By this time, I had gradually started accepted that I was grossly overweight. I started making self-deprecating jokes about my weight - a common way for people to deal with their weight gain. If you call yourself fat, and can laugh about it, others won’t be able to make fun of you.  I became the funny overweight sidekick to my skinny, hot friends.

But self-deprecating humour is funny for only so long. And when people start to echo your jokes, it’s not funny at all. I finally realized how unhappy I really was with my weight. I saw how other people viewed me, and it was no longer acceptable. I had fooled myself into thinking that I was okay with myself.  While I knew (and still know) that there are plenty of people who are comfortable with themselves, regardless of how much they weigh (and rightly so!), I personally wasn’t. Somehow, I had started to view myself as a failure in life because I felt that people never saw past my weight. I could - no, I can and do relate everything negative in my life to my weight (although I’m trying not to do this anymore). And yet I couldn’t seem to stop myself from eating junk food every time someone called me fat, or any time I felt miserable because of my weight.

I finished grad school in 2006, and languished at my parents home for the summer, looking for a job and also soul-searching. Things started shifting in my head. I started keeping a notebook, nothing serious - but just writing down random tidbits, pasting funny comics about diets and weight loss, inspirational quotations and stuff. I hardly lost any pounds, but I think the process finally got me started to deal with all the body image and self-worth issues that I had been ignoring all these years.

On January 1, 2007 - I weighed myself at 140 lbs. I decided that this was it. I had to change.  For myself. Six months later, I am starting this blog to talk about the changes, both weight wise and emotionally. I weighed in at 126 lbs this morning. 14 lbs down since January. With another 10 lbs to go. Progress is being made. It’s slow, but inevitable. And I feel very good about that.

 

*UPDATE* (2008/10/09)*: I’ve gained back a lot of the weight I lost. While I’m not in denial, it’s also hard for to talk about the actual number.. So suffice it to say, I’m working on losing the damn weight all over again! :)