And here I am… again!

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 8755 Comments

I feel like Joelle from Biggest Loser - and it depresses the crap out of me. She talks the talk - oh how she can talk! - and says all these things, but in the end, she’s closed off to ideas, to feedback, she’s in denial about the amount of effort she put in, and at the end of the day, she’s not ready for that intense commitment. There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to take it slow, and doing it at your own pace, but there is something wrong with thinking you’re doing something at a certain level, when you’re clearly not. And that was my problem with Joelle, and that is the problem with me.

I know what needs to be done, and I know how to say the right things to other people. And yet I’m not doing any of it! I am de-motivated, depressed and not at all ready to make the physical sacrifices. I have completely the wrong mindset about losing weight. I focus on other people’s ability to lose weight, I focus on their accomplishments and feeling like I fall short, I dont’ dare try. In fact, not only do I not try to lose weight, I eat MORE when I’m feeling inadequate. I knowingly sabotage myself.  I stay in bed long after I wake up at 6 am, to avoid working out. I order a large stuffed crust pizza and eat the whole thing within 24 hours, even though I know that one slice would have sufficed my craving. I eat till I feel bloated, gross and have guaranteed a weight gain. I do this in defiance, in anger, in spite.But I need to stop being the victim. If I don’t lose the weight that I’ve gained back, all it means is that I have to behave better starting NOW.
I do this on a regular enough basis - this recommiting to weight loss - that it’s starting to sound like a case of the “boy who cries wolf!” BUT I don’t see any other way. Re-commit. Focus. Change. It’s the only way.