nothing of consequence

Filed Under General | 3801 Comments

Went to the WW meeting last night. Down 0.6lbs. Yay? 

I eat out often. Lunches every day. Dinner at least 2/3 times a week. There are times when I’ll eat at home, but for the most part, it’s harder saying no to eating out. During the day, my co-workers all go out for lunch. I don’t want to be the one “left out”. So my option here is to make healthier choices. I know. Trust me, I know. I really really do. Sometimes, I’ll even order salads. Exciting stuff, those bowls of leaves.  But dinners - now dinners are a different story. Often I eat on the go because I have some sort of engagement - book club, open mike, concert, gym, talk, etc. Or it’s meeting up with a friend for dinner. I could just eat at home before or after the event, or carry snacks with me to tide me over until later in the evening…but often I’ll find myself grabbing something by the drive-through. *sigh* Still, baby steps, si?

The WW meeting talked about “Dancing it off” - basically adding movement to your lifestyle. The leader asked us to commit to moving a bit more. I already know that I won’t be able to go to my kickboxing class this week - I had a play-reading on Monday, and WW last night; tonight-Sunday I have to go to a friend’s house to feed her cat. I usually dont’ out of work until 6:30, and the class is at 7:15, and my friend’s house is out of the way from my usual route. There’s no way I’d make  it in time. Aah well. I think I’ll actually go to the gym tomorrow.

what a rambling post this was…

‘Turn your wounds into wisdom’ ~Oprah Winfrey

Filed Under motivation | 3140 Comments

I went for a hike yesterday. As my ass was getting kicked by the elevation - 2497 feet, thank you very much, my friend and I were just talking about facebook and pictures, when I commented - “Once I lose the weight, I’ll start posting pictures again”.

My friend suddenly looked relieved, and said “I’m so glad you realized. I’ve noticed how puffy your face has become, but I didn’t want to say anything in case you start eating more and gaining even more weight!” She was refering to my reverse-psychology syndrome.She continued sympathetically, “Have you weighed yourself recently? Did you gain all the weight back?”

Yes, I have weighed myself recently. No, I didn’t gain ALL the weight back, but definitely more than half of it. I am now 133.6 lbs. I mumbled about how I do know I’ve gained weight this summer, and that I’m now working on losing it again. And yes, I noticed how full and puffy my face has become.

But did you notice how I said “ONCE I lose the weight” - not if, but when. It’s a different mindset I think, from earlier. I hiked on, dusty and feeling beleaguered by the world, but inwardly, I tried to remind myself that it’s ok. I know I have to lose a lot of weight again. I know I’ll have to look “not my best” for a little while longer, until I can feel good about myself again, and until I can fit properly into the ever-tightening skinny slothes I’d bought last year. But I WILL lose the weight. And in the meantime, I can’t lose my confidence. I can’t start thinking of myself as worth any less because of the extra weight. I can’t start letting other people treat me like I’m invisible again.

After I got home, I showered, changed and got ready for a BBQ. It took me a while to find sometihng that fits well enough. Even though I felt bloated, I wore something off shoulder anyway. My arms may have looked big, but I walked into that BBQ confidently, determinedly. Fake it till you make it, right? My make up was done diligently, the smile was pasted onto my face and 4 hours later, when I got home with a migraine, and promptly went to bed, I made sure to think of prayers, people who’ve been kind, and dimpled babies.

This morning, I found a message on my facebook inbox tha started like this:

“Hello, darling! How are you? I was just looking at some of your pictures on your profile, and was exclaiming to myself how fabulous you’re looking these days! ”

Maybe the stars are looking up, after all?

‘If all you ever do is all you’ve ever done, then all you’ll ever get is all you ever got.’ ~ some Texan saying

Filed Under Emotional eating | 5036 Comments

As I had mentioned in my earlier post, this week’s WW meeting was on managing our negative thoughts. You can probably tell, but I am the Queen of Negativity when it comes to myself. The leader asked us to write down some of the negative thoughts that go through our heads. Most people wrote down along the lines of “I should not want to eat that second piece of chocolate bar”, or “I can never resist an extra helping of stuffing”. Mine was “(Something negative) happened because I’m so fat.”

Is it only me who thinks that once my fat disappears, I will be a better, nicer, prettier, luckier person? That all my problems will be solved, and I’ll get what I want? Logically, I KNOW this is not true. I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW! But I can’t seem to help thinking that somehow I’ll get lucky in love, in life, in work, in friendships, in achievements once I lose the weight.And yet, I’m also not willing to put in the work, fears of failure clouding my every action. Those feelings of resentment again - “What’s the point? Will it really make a difference? What happens if I lose the weight, and still nothing happens?”

I was supposed to go to yoga this morning, but I bailed.

But I must not think this way. I must think better, more positively. More than think, I must do. Fake it till I make it, or die trying ;- )

‘To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.’

Filed Under goals | 1337 Comments

Week One at weight watchers, and I’m down 1.4 lbs. I have a confession though: I did NOT write down all that I ate. I wanted to, believe me, but I could not bring myself to write down every single extra bite I put into my mouth.
I did go to Yoga though. Once. And kickboxing. Once. Thank god for small mercies.

The topic was “Managing Our Thoughts”. One lady brought up how she feels dejected everytime she realizes that she “will never eat like a normal person again”, not if she wants to lose the weight and maintain that weight loss.

That same feeling of bitterness overwhelms me sometimes. There are people out there struggling with their weight, but I’ll only notice the ones who can seemingly eat 2 cheeseburgers with extra large fries, and not gain weight. Or the ones who like eating steamed broccoli for lunch. The ones who can lose weight easily. The ones who dont’ gain weight easily. And I’ll somehow think that I should be like them. That’s the way I should be, that’s the normal way, that’s the right way.

This tendency I have of always assuming that other people’s lives are better, easier, nicer - preferable - must stop. I am well aware of my “Grass is Greener” syndrom. I just wish I knew how to turn that (the rose light glow I put on others)  onto me.

‘Where do you go to get anorexia?’* ~ Shelley Winters

Filed Under motivation, yes I admit it | 326 Comments

I bit the bullet, and walked into Weight Watchers. As I’d suspected, I’ve gained. Eight pounds. If I were taller, it would look all right. If I were initially at the lower range of my age group, then eight pounds would be passable. Not great but there would still be some wiggle room to do things. Now I’ve officially gone back onto the overweight range again.

Still, things could be worse. I must focus on the fact that I still have 7 months to my 30th birthday, I still feel good enough, and I can still keep my “skinny” clothes around for a little bit longer before I have to give them away. If I manage to get things under control and lose the weight, I won’t need to go shopping for larger sized clothes.

Anyway, I am now officially on WeightWatchers. I figure I’ll give it 10 weeks. Within that time, I hope to see some progress. Wish me luck! :D

 

*It’s just a quote  I found funny- to show how people say things like this when they’re frustrated with their weight. I do not condone anorexia, nor am I an anorexic. Healthy approach to diet and exercise is the way to go! Now all I need to do is learn how to stay on track and not give in to my love for mac and cheese!

‘Your goals, minus your doubts, equal your reality’ ~ Ralph Marston

Filed Under motivation | 5066 Comments

I went on a vacation, and I guess it must have been good, because I’ve come back feeling refreshed and rejuvenated.I’m also feeling..dare I say it? Optimistic. I haven’t lost any weight recently. In fact, I think I may have even gained some.  I am not sure how much since I haven’t gotten on the scale in a while.

Am I deluding myself? No, not at all. I am not seeing a skinny person staring back at me when I look into a mirror. I know how each and every morsel of food that’s going into my mouth could have been chosen better. I am not under any delusions, really, that I can eat the way I do, and lose weight.

But I still feel optimistic. For the first time in years, for some odd reason, when I tell myself “I am successful and beautiful”, I almost believe it. Even if it’s for a minute. And I can smile. And that, more than anything, is what motivates me today to start blogging again. To start doing better. To start the process of losing weight. It feels like I want to lose weight just because I can.