Accepting responsibility

Filed Under yes I admit it | 6168 Comments

Ok, I admit to overreacting a bit. The truth of the matter is, I had a great time with my cousins, and that I love them and they love me etc etc etc. I was just angry at myself for not having the will power to say no. Like P, round and bosoxfan pointed out, while it’s tough - there are ways to graciously decline. The horrid part is realizing that you don’t want to decline. I was angry because I was weak and tempted and gave in. I used my cousin’s wife as an excuse. No really. Of course she may have her own reasons - old school hospitality, wanting to maintain the status quo - whatever, but the point is I should have had the will power to resist, but in the end, subconsciously, I did not want to. So I ate. I let myself eat all the food. I didn’t just stop at eating the “forbidden food”, I ate copious amounts of it. That was all me.

Accepting responsibility.

And hitting the gym every other day in penance.

Dangerous Liaisons…

Filed Under Emotional eating | 4298 Comments

You know, until today, I only read / half knew about how family can sabotage your diet efforts. This weekend, I experienced it (or at least, was aware of it) for the first time.

I went ot San Diego on an impromptu visit this weekend. While it was really nice, it was also a very calorie-intensive weekend. My cousin’s wife had bought “my favourites” - cheese curls, coke and regular cream cheese for the toast. Despite telling them how I want to lose weight, they fed me pasta, meatballs, mashed potatoes and sweets. The cousin’s wife kept up a running dialogue: my, havne’t I lost a lot of weight! I must certainly keep at it, I look so much better now, and by the way, I must absolutely have another helping of her parmesan cheesy potato bake whcih she made specifically for me? Don’t I love it? Then why am I not having more? She must have done a rotten job….No no, you didn’t, Cousin Evelina. Yes I did - why else would I not finish what’s on my plate?

If you are seeing that I have trouble saying no, why the heck do you keep insisiting on second and third helpings? I was successful a few times in deflecting attention, and moving away from the food. But at one point, I just gave in. I couldn’t help it. It was like a moth being drawn to a flame. How the HECK do people exercise their will power, without hurting the feelings of their hosts?

I eat how much!?

Filed Under Discouraged moments, motivation | 3864 Comments

I tracked my nutrition on sparkpeople for a week, and the results are rather discouraging.

nutrition-chart.JPG

I always knew I was a carbaholic, but to eat so much fat too?! Even though I’m eating within the “calorie range”, I’m eating such utter crap! I can’t imagine how to find the motivation to eat better, to make better choices. I’m so used to the convenience and the habit of just ordering the staples that it’s hard for me to deviate.

I need a game plan. Somehow all that I’ve been doing/think/talking about is not working for me. I don’t know what comes over me. Why I eat so mindlessly. My body is very unforgiving too. The first thing that bloats up when I’m gaining weight is my face. Then my stomach. When you’re barely five feet tall, you cannot afford puffy cheeks and pass them off as cute. It’s not cute to be an oompa loompa. Trust me.

It’s hard getting started

Filed Under motivation | 3257 Comments

So I’ve been on a downward spiral (or upward spiral, I should say, if I’m to be honest about the weighing scale), as recorded in my previous post. I have been diligent about recording my food intake on sparkpeople.com. I just haven’t been diligent about what I have been eating. So embarrassingly enough, you see stuff like cheeseburgers, fries, Cheeto’s listed on the nutrition tracker that SparkPeople provides. It glares at me like from the monitor screen.

So I went and bought myself a weigh-scale, as opposed to using the one at the gym. This way, I can weigh myself every morning. I’m a big fan of this method, because it keeps me in check. More than weighing myself every week. Some people are good at self-motivating. I’m good at motivating others, but for myself I need immediate results/gratification/validation. By weighing myself every morning, I have a sense of my progress. It makes me feel more in control, and I like that feeling. Especially when everything else seems to be haphazard and out of my control.

I am also reading The Weight-Loss Diaries, by Courtney Rubin. So far, I’m really liking it. While her family circumstances are very different from mine, still her relationship with food, her attitude towards diets and her thoughts are eerily like mine (and I’m sure with all those wanting to lose weight). It’s rather comforting to realize that there’s someone else out there who falls asleep “calculating how much weight I could possibly lose - what size I could possibly be and whether I could pull off something sleeveless” at the “end of this diet”, often forgetting that it’s supposed to be a lifestyle change. I.E. forever.

Jumpstart!

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 198 Comments

A week later, and I’m up to 129 lbs! :( This is ridiculous! It took me forever to reach 125, and then I stagnated there for a year, and now my weight is going back up?! I cannot become a statistic, one of those people who cannot sustain a weight loss, and who cannot go past their plateau!

  • I went to Safeway and bought some groceries to make my lunch at work.
  • I’m going to start walking/running again. Not working out is seriously taking a toll on me.
  • I am going to start going to my kick-boxing classes more diligently. So far I’ve managed to go twice in three weeks…I need to amp this up to at least twice a week.
  • Portion CONTROL!

I need to start incorporating more salads and protein into my meals. Why is it easier said than done!?

Do you know what you’re eating?

Filed Under goals | 12685 Comments

I went to the Sparkpeople website today and signed up. Again. I do think that, despite my hitherto inability to stick to it, that Sparkpeople is one of the best websites out there. And best of all, it’s free!
Anyway, one of the first questions Sparkpeople asks is “Do you know what you’re eating?”

The idea is to be accountable for what you eat by tracking every bite :) It’s probably the hardest thing for me because (a) it means that I have to be honest about every morsel of food that passes through my lips, and (b) it’s just such a lot of work for someone who procrastinates… I put off journaling until later, by which point I either forget what I ate or grossly misrepresent the amount (I suffer from delusion). I think, “Surely I only ate a handful of the popcorn chicken”.

As I mentioned in a previous post, I also don’t make healthy choices. I eat carbs. Pure and simple. I love carbs in the refined form. White bread, white pasta, white rice. Potatoes. Sugar.  Ice Cream. Soda. The delicious stuff…

I also don’t make healthy choices in terms of timing. I eat after 8 pm. I often forget to eat breakfast. Sometimes I eat dinner at 5. Then I’m hungry again at 10, and will eat again.  However, I plan on making small changes for now. Starting today, I will limit myself to 3 cans of soda  a week. That’s doable, isn’t it?

Yikes! It’s the food trap again…!

Filed Under General, Introduction, motivation | 4645 Comments

Talk about falling off the wagon. Again! It’s a startling and humbling realization that I am more dependent on food than I had realized. I have been eating non-stop - nonstop!!! - anything and everything in sight! I’ve had two dinners at times. I’ve eaten dinner-sized portions for dinner, lunch and breakfast. I am a food addict.

There. I said it. Mind you, it’s not as though I was in denial. I was unaware of being a food addict. All this time, I was convinced that I ate because I was sad, or depressed. That at times my weight was a reflection of my inner turmoil. And maybe it started off that way. But I realized today that I enjoy the process of eating too. That it’s comforting and wonderful. That I’m constantly attracted to, and craving, food.

Now if only I could be attracted to quality food. Like salads and fruits. Whole grain.

Instead, I’ve been wolfing down burgers, pizza slices and fettucine alfredo with breaded chicken as though they’re about to go out of style tomorrow! Which come to think of it, they ought to be….

So that’s it then folks! I start yet another weight loss journey! Stay tuned….!