‘Once you replace negative thoughts with positive ones, you’ll start having positive results.’ ~ Willie Nelson

Filed Under motivation | 594 Comments

So this idea of “Fake it till you make it” is one that I’ve come across almost everywhere. The reason I used to balk at this piece of advice is because I always thought that it was (a) deluding myself, (b) it just glossed over the issue and that somehow I would turn into a Stepford girl.

But maybe it has merit after all. The power of positive thinking,  of  suggestion is huge. Books such as this,  or this are convinced that just by thinking something, and believing in it, it’ll happen. I’ve always scoffed at this notion - what? I’ll just miraculously grow 5 inches taller? But maybe the mind if a different matter.

However, it may not simply be enough to say “Oh Aino, you’re worth it!”  Yes, I am worth it. That’s why I get so mad when I don’t get what I’m worth - because there’s a sense of entitlement, and when that sense is unfulfilled and ignored, I can’t handle it.

I have to figure out the business of positive thinking, and make it positive and right thinking. I need to learn how to turn around every seemingly negative situation into a positive one. This is something I can do for others very well - point out the good of their situations. But when it comes to myself, I become very bitter and cranky. I take on a very fatalistic attitude. Ofcourse this happened to me, Of course my car died, Of course I’m broke, Of course I won’t lose weight easily, Of course I will die alone.  Whereas whenever something good comes my way, I find it easy to dismiss it as something nice, but not good enough.Yes, I got that raise but I still have my student loans to pay off. It’s not enough!  Yes, I lost 15 pounds but I still have at least another 15 pounds to lose. Yes, I am a sweet, funny person but I’m not beautiful and sexy. 

I always negate the positives in my life. And that’s something I really really really have to work on. (I also have to stop ending my sentences with prepositions! Sr.Carmen is probably rolling in her grave right now!). I need to do this for myself. I’m worth this.

‘I start to feel like I can’t maintain the facade any longer, that I may just start to show through. And I wish I knew what was wrong. Maybe something about how stupid my whole life is. I don’t know’ ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

Filed Under Discouraged moments | 5220 Comments

I haven’t been blogging lately because of how crappy I’ve been feeling. I know that’s probably when I should blog, just so I can get out the poison and negative thoughts from my head but honestly, I just couldn’t bring myself to write down the thoughts, the intensity of my self-criticism.

The problem is I have no earthly reason to feel this way. I have a job that I’m liking more and more every day - it’s getting …dare I say it?…fun. I finally have my  finances under control. My birthday this past Friday was actually a lot of fun, and made me realize that I’ve made valuable friends in the Bay area, something that I often overlook when I am down and upset.  My weight loss could be more, but let’s face it, I’m hardly fat anymore. I’m now a little chubby and need toning, but overall, I look fine. I’m running, and I’ll be signing up for Kickboxing after The Relay this weekend.

And yet…I am F*&$#*@ depressed. And the worst part is no one gets it. I can’t talk about it in person with anyone because I feel like people will either just tell me “oh it’s up to u to snap out of it”, or they’ll give me too much sympathy and it’ll make me feel worse. I wish I could snap out of it. Heaven knows I try. EVERY morning. I wake up, I give myself a pep talk. I try and listen to happy music, I try to focus on the good stuff in my life, I read comics to cheer myself up, I talk cheerfully with people. If you see my pictures - people are constantly mentioning how it looks like I’m having so much fun all the time. I’m constantly smiling. And no one - but no one - sees how I cry myself to sleep every night. How I just want to run away and hide from everyone. How people just get to me. I don’t want to deal with their lives, their words, their actions.

I feel ungrateful and petty if I try and talk to people about it. A loser who whines and can’t get her act together. I feel unaccomplished and incomplete and if I could just fly away, I would. Right now.