Too long

Well I am shamefully coming back to my blog after falling off the wagon HARD CORE. The diet gods were thankfully on my side and I gained 4 pounds while on break. These past two weeks I went back at it and am now 188. Seeing the 8 is extremely motivating. So here I am and not willing to give up again. My daughter’s baptism is in 3 weeks I want to lose 5 pounds before that. :)

This says it all

Not happy with myself

So it’s been a few days since I’ve written my blog because I was ashamed of my weekend. A disastrous weekend filled with wine, pizza, chicken bites, chips, tortellini…I won’t go on because I am making myself hungry. Needless to say when I stepped on the scale it was at 195. STUPID STUPID me. The worst is that the more I eat, the more I want to eat badly. I find myself fantasizing about huge cheats and daydreaming about food. I mean cookie dough ice cream on top of cookie dough chunks on top of a warm cookie.

So back on plan since Monday (My famous I will start Monday diet). Thank god this morning I am at 192, but I am angry because I could have been should have been in the 180’s this week.

All I can do is keep blogging and stay away from the food that I love. I’m really craving sushi today but I will stick to my salad. This is hard !!!

Here I come 180s

I am so thrilled. I went on the scale this morning and bam ! 191 :) I have two more pounds to go to hit my goal #2 of being in the 180’s. Last night I wanted to cheat so badly, I am happy I resisted. It was definitely worth it this morning.

My husband can be so nice some days and so snarky the next. When I told him I was happy this morning, he replied : When I met you, you would’ve freaked out if you weighed 190.

I know captain obvious but 191 is a progress and I’m losing weight and feeling better about myself so that’s all that should matter ! Men I tell you !

14 pounds

Yay ! I have up to now lost 14 pounds. I am so happy with myself. I know I’m losing fast because it’s baby weight but weight is weight and I am starting to feel like my old self. :) I cannot give up this time, I want to look and feel pretty and girly. I am so excited to be out of the 190’s soon.

Why eat one when I can eat twelve ?

So I went to the store to buy food for my whole week. I was mainly missing fruit and veggies so I decided to buy a variety. Figs, papaya, apples, etc. When I got home I felt a little dizzy and I was super hungry. I decided to eat half a papaya. WAY too much sugar but unlike normal eaters I can’t eat only one cup. My stomach was hurting a little but hey, that has never stopped me, so I attacked the figs. Did I have one or 2 ? Of course not. I ate 12 friggin figs. That’s about 550 calories of figs. And why stop when you’re on a roll ? I had a bowl of won ton soup bigger than my head.

So the day after, regret, shame and realization that my relationship with food is awful. I eat like tomorrow there will be no more figs. My husband told me : chips, ice cream, pasta etc. will all be there forever, but looking great at your friend’s wedding…that’s once in a lifetime. You need to make that decision every single day. You are beautiful to me, but you don’t think you are beautiful and that’s a problem.

He is right. Back on plan now.

Stuck

The scale is stuck at 195. I hate when that happens. 5 days and no movement whatsoever. I’m drinking all my waters which makes me a) cold and b) pee every 5 minutes. I am eating very well. And still not budging. Sooo frustrating. I know I just have to keep going and push through but man it’s hard when the scale doesn’t show results. This weekend has been so hard. I was watching the food network (stupid I know) and then I started getting all these cravings. Thankfully I didn’t succumb but what an inner battle I’m having. I hope tomorrow that for my weekly weigh in I will be at 194.

At my parents

I have to stay all day at my parents because they are both working and expecting some guy to do maintenance on the furnace. That doesn’t seem like a huge deal but my parents house is the Disneyland of delicious foods. My mom bakes a lot so she has package over package of chocolate chips. They have cheese and crackers and cakes and the list goes on and on. I packed my own lunch in the hope that it will deter me from opening up the pantry. I am really hoping the furnace guy comes early as I’m unsure how long I can sit here without cheating.

I had a huge fight with my husband yesterday who came home at 9:30 even though I have lost my job at the school that I love. I couldn’t believe his lack of support. This is usually when I would really eat badly but I am trying to find other ways to distract myself.

On the bright side of things, my wedding band and engagement ring finally fit again. Since I had ballooned up to 207, they weren’t fitting anymore (when I got married I was about 160). So they are a little tight right now but they fit and that’s a HUGE goal that I reached.

Wishing you all a nice weekend ! Let’s not succumb to food even though it’s always super tempting on Saturday and Sunday.

Bad news

I am presently on mat leave and I got a call from work today that I will have to change school next year because I am the youngest teacher and there isn’t enough students :( I was finally at my dream job right next to my house (a 10 minute walk). This is devastating to me. I have to move all my stuff again, have new colleagues, new students. What a nightmare. I’ve been teaching for 7 years and not once have I been in a secure job. It’s ridiculous.

The first thing I wanted to do is eat. What can I eat that will make me feel better.  Ice cream would be great, cookies also. But I’ve been good on my diet thus far and I have no reason to eat badly. Food is so comforting to me. I can’t find another way of making myself feel better. I am disappointed my husband chose to go to the gym at lunch instead of coming here to comfort me. Sigh ! If he called me crying, I would drop EVERYTHING to go comfort him. So here I am writing, because I try to find comfort here. This is really tough :(

195 lbs

I am very happy that after eating at the restaurant, I am 195 lbs. My family didn’t notice that I was eating healthy which is great, and my mom when she saw me said : You look like you’ve lost weight :) Very pleasing :)

Every single person at the table ordered pizza. grrrrr It seemed so delicious. I ordered a salad with some grilled chicken. I didn’t eat the rice that was on the plate and gave all the feta cheese to my mom. Brutal lol

Not cheating paid off this morning and that’s all that matters.

Leaving you with a quote from my beloved Jillian. I love her lmao. She cracks me up. She knows the struggle of being overweight since she was when she was younger. This will be my new motto while exercising.

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