So I’ve been sitting her staring at my lunch. A very nice leafy baby greens salad with 1/2 table spoon almonds, feta cheese and dried cranberries. (I think there’s some celery in there too). I think I’ve maybe taken a bite of it. There is even a half cup of fresh pineapple right next to the salad. And I can’t bring myself to eat any of it.
I really don’t want to throw it away.
I think I just have a really bad case of the blahs. School is getting to me, work is getting to me…and there is that lurking problem that’s been plagueing me all weekend. Well I guess there are two lurking problems, my thesis (duh) and I’ve been having some self image issues.
I’ve always had a problem seeing any real change in myself and up until this weekend…it didn’t bother me much. But at zumba, both saturday and sunday, I felt really bothered by my reflection. Now, I know I’m not that 200+ pound girl that I used to be. But I still don’t see any difference and after losing 40 pounds I should see a difference. Its almost sad that I feel this way, it shouldn’t matter what I look like. But in such an image driven world, I do. And I think I need to face up to this now because in four weeks…less than four weeks actually…I’m going to start working with actors again. Yes, these bubbly beautiful people will be a part of my life for the next four months. They’re all skinny and eat what ever they want and then complain taht they are too fat. And all I can think of is “honey when you are the size of my leg…you aren’t fat.”
Maybe this is just something I have to adjust to. I know I’m never going to be a skinny girl, I just would really like to see some other girl in the mirror. One that preferrably doesn’t look like she weighs more than 200 pounds (not that I’m saying that is bad, but when you don’t weigh 200 pounds…its frustrating).
I’ve probably stuck my foot in my mouth a dozen times during this post, I’m sorry if I’ve offended anyone.
Posted on April 6th, 2009 by photogirljen
Filed under: Uncategorized
My suggestion is to find some pictures of you before and then take a photo of you today- you will see a huge difference I am sure!
*hugz* don’t be so down on yourself- you are beautiful too
Maybe some new clothes that fit properly will cheer you up? My wardrobe sucks right now but I refuse to buy new clothes lol- the nice part is grabbing old clothes that didn’t fit and being able to slip them on- maybe it’s time to check out your closet?
Be proud of all you have accomplished so far! WTG!
I’m sorry.
I feel ya on the blah days though — I get those too. I agree with beerab though! You’ve done so great! Its hard sometimes and we all get down, but we need to remember where we were when we started!
I hope you feel better soon.
I have so much to lose that even though I have lost close to 50 lbs, it doesn’t look to me like that much of a difference… BUT
It FEELS different! When I think of all the different ways that it feels different, that helps.
Good luck on working with those actors. =D