jaime’s journey

26 Sep, 2011

Not too bad

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

It’s funny. I just realized I didn’t actually put on much weight during my transition from keto back to WW. About four pounds - and they say that the first 5 lb you lose on keto is your excess glycogen stores and the associated water weight. So I don’t think I actually put on any fat weight out of all that. I feel like a big ol’ lump after coming off low-carb, telling myself I had failed yet again, that I was just going to be overweight forever at this rate. But when I remove all the emotion and self-talk and look at it objectively, I really haven’t done poorly for myself. I’m right where anyone would reasonably expect me to be.

Man, I need to work on my inner monologue. I used to be way better at talking kindly to myself. I don’t know where that got derailed! I’ve been fighting recently to even not have some comeback to every nice thing B says to me. He calls me beautiful? I point out some flaw. He comments on a body part? (By body part I mean boobs…) I find some reason why they aren’t that great. He was picking up on it and hates hearing it from me… So I’m trying to silence that knee-jerk reaction. Trying to accept and love myself. I used to pride myself on my healthy sense of self-worth, back when I did WW successfully before - I may have lost slowly but damn did I love myself.

In the kinda-sorta words of Liz Lemon, “I want to go [back] to there.”

Had a good day yesterday. Going to continue that trend. Have to plan ahead for my dinner-on-the-run as I’ll be in class. Let’s see. Ideal world, I will eat:

B1: plain yogurt, kashi, strawberries
B2: english muffin, pb
L: asian salad (bagged mix), edamame
D: turkey, cheese, tomato, lettuce on flatout wrap; apple?
S: triscuits and laughing cow

24 Sep, 2011

Small victory

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Well it’s been 2 weeks since I rejoined WW. The online tracker reminded me this morning that I should weigh in, and even though I didn’t have any intention of doing so, I decided to go ahead and be accountable. The past two weeks have been far from perfect. I’ve had good days, but I’ve also had bad days. I assumed I’d be up from my 2 weeks ago weight, having fixated on the bad and not realizing it does balance out with the good. So imagine my surprise when I stepped on the scale and was down nearly a pound! It’s a small victory, but it’s a solid one.

I can’t describe the feeling of relief I felt to see the scale go down again. It was this immediate happiness - losing weight doesn’t have to be stressful. I don’t have to be perfect. I can celebrate 0.8 lb in two weeks and be happy with that. Trying to lose weight quickly and on a deadline was stressing me out more than I realize. I told B that I am done trying to lose weight by the wedding - if I do, great. If not - great. Weight loss is not a race and I need to back off from the scale as a measure of progress. My measures of progress should be based on things I CAN control - healthy habits like going to the gym, eating more vegetables, making smarter choices when eating out. I always knew this, but the promise of quick weight loss on low-carb obfuscated their importance, trading it for scale-centered feelings of worth.

So overall, I’m feeling really good today about things and about my ability to continue forward, even if it’s slow.

Today’s food plan:
B: plain yogurt, Kashi, berries
L: grilled turkey, cheddar, and tomato sandwich; side salad
S: apple with pb, edamame
D: leftover pork, broccoli, sweet potato

14 Sep, 2011

best laid plans etc etc

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Well that plan went out the window very early on in the day. For the sake of accountability, here is what I ate today:

2 eggs
4 brownies (Medifast food leftover from that experiment, so at least they were low-cal)
2 flour tortillas, peanut butter, jelly
1 can italian wedding soup
1 can beenie weenies (wtf? am I 6?)

Weird that when I write it out it doesn’t look like that much food but it has to be about 2k calories. Which is probably about maintenance level for me, and admittedly way lower than it would be if I did my fast food/ice cream binge crap again. I don’t know what got into me regarding the MF brownies - they tasted good when I was on MF but they sure taste weird now (and give me the runs!). Well, they’re gone now, that was the last of my leftovers. And again we see the ridiculous canned food… beenie weenies… Seriously?? I bought them, again, for the hurricane, thinking it’d make good proteiney no-cook food if our power was out. Well, our power is on… No reason to eat that crap.

Okay. We’re going to try this again. Plan plan plan. Tomorrow is a new day. I read a quote this evening that was rather poignant - When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on. That’s me, swinging from the end of my rope…….

So my next challenge is that on Friday morning I leave to go to a cousin’s wedding in OK. Come back late Sunday. Monday is 8 hours of work followed by 6 hours of class. Tuesday, 8 hours of work and 3 hours of class. We are out of most groceries (eggs, vegetables, etc). I can scrounge for tomorrow but man, what am I gonna do for Monday and Tuesday?? I’ll have to think about that one.

Okay. My plan for tomorrow, based on the meager contents of my pantry:

B: oatmeal, walnuts, protein powder
L: lean cuisine, broccoli
D: taco salad assuming my lettuce is still good
S: sunflower seeds, edamame

This plan is perfectly delicious (okay, well, with the possible exception of the LC, but it’ll do) and healthy and good for me and filling. There is NO reason to deviate from this plan. No reason. Come on, Jaime, you can do it. You can survive ONE DAY with a calorie deficit…

14 Sep, 2011

A wee bit better

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Baby steps, right?

Yesterday I only ate what was in my house, and since the ice cream is gone we don’t really have junk food here. We do have some packaged food we wouldn’t normally have because I bought some cans of stuff in preparation for the hurricane, and that is kind of junky… But I’m not splitting hairs. I’m not saying I ate WELL yesterday, and I’m sure I overate in terms of Points yesterday too (didn’t track). But even just eating at home makes a big difference in my overall intake. I was tempted to go through a drive-thru on my way home from class last night but I didn’t, I just came home and made tea and had a pear (which was gross and mealy and really not very enjoyable). Addressed some more invitations, read a while, and went to bed.

My two changes for today are: being conscious of drinking water and tracking my food. Regardless of what I eat.

Approximately what I would like to eat is the following:

B: two eggs, tbsp salsa
L: italian wedding soup, orange
D: shrimp, broccoli, small red potato w/sour cream
S: edamame, sunflower seeds, vienna sausages

All this comes in 4 points under my target. I added the vienna sausages (one of the canned foods we don’t usually have) because they are pointy and I was otherwise coming in way under. We’ll see how closely I follow this today.

13 Sep, 2011

Upward, still

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

So after that last post I rejoined WW but just as an online member. My weekends from here to the wedding are pretty packed, and the meeting I want to go to will be a Saturday morning meeting. I don’t want to pay for a monthly pass only to never use it. So you know what I did? Paid for online tools… And am not using them.

I tracked for two days and then nothing. I’ve been eating ice cream and fast food, primarily. These are my two main food groups of late.

I don’t know why I’m doing this. I think I’m just lazy… Too lazy to want to make food of any kind. I crave the salty fatty carby whatever in fast food. Those are the only tastes I want. I don’t want to savor a delicate combination of lentils and tomatoes and mint. I don’t want the tang of lemony garlicky asparagus. I want to bite into something that screams SALT, that has one flavor note, that does not require thinking about.

But I do think about it… As I’m sitting in the drive thru line I’m thinking about exactly what I’m doing. I feel defeated and out of control, like I don’t have a choice over where I am. I’m hungry, guess I’ll go to the drive-thru, sigh. What part of me is asleep or comatose? Something in there must be, if I literally feel resigned to eating crap. I feel bad about the decisions I make, as I am making them. It’s not just morning-after remorse (though I have plenty of that too). It’s in-the-moment, have-time-to-change-my mind remorse.

What in the world am I supposed to do with myself?

Man, I wish I could post a positive blog sometime soon……. Sorry for all the downer posts.

07 Sep, 2011

blargh burgle blarp

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Sorry, haven’t had coffee yet.

I’m barely keeping my head above water these days. I’m back up a few lbs, of course, solidly into the 200s. I was so swollen yesterday from the water retention, it was horribly uncomfortable. I haven’t eaten anything yet today so I haven’t set the tone for my day yet. My first thought was to go get breakfast from McD’s but luckily my laziness won out as I didn’t want to drive there.

I got a ‘free registration’ thing in the mail yesterday from WW. Maybe it’s a sign… But it’s also $40 a month. And I run into the problem of not having good meeting times around here. I did love the meetings… If I were to go back to WW I’d want to fully 100% go back to it and do meetings. Doing it on my own works for so long but the meetings really, really keep me accountable. I don’t know what to do. I’m still flailing around. This has been the year of the 1,000 diet plans and here I am, 9 months into the year, about 5lb lighter than when I started. But of course I’ve really lost about 30-40 lb, it’s just that it has been the same 5-10 over and over and over again.

I dunno what to do. How do you decide? I’m just so tired of being overweight.

02 Sep, 2011

Anguish/biting the bullet

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

I got my wedding shoes today, which means I’m going to go ahead and go speak with alterations about sizing up my dress. Literally. My appointment is on Thursday.

I’m deathly afraid that they’re going to tell me there is nothing they can do. That is the worst case scenario. Having to buy a whole new dress, despite having six months to lose a few lbs? Geeze, talk about a kick to the self-esteem. Hopefully - hopefully! - they can figure out how to let out the dress sufficiently to make the roll of back fat go away. It fits everywhere except the very top. I am terrified.

I was going to wait until the end of the month to do this, but the pressure is freaking me the crap out. I was losing weight okay in August - about 7 lb total - but then the scale stalled out for two weeks, and suddenly I started inexplicably gaining (after TOM was gone). So what do I do? Comfort myself with food. SO counter-productive. Then I had to evacuate due to the hurricane… Went up to my dad’s, totally did NOT stress-eat. I thought I did rather well. Passed up so much food, made good choices… Came back and lo and behold, hello 200s. So of course I then spent 2-3 days wallowing in food again.

God knows what I weigh. I’m not going to look. Why would I? What purpose would that serve? Yes, it is feasible that I will lose 10 lb between now and the wedding if I try. That’s reasonable. It was not reasonable for me to hope to lose 25 in 3 months, but 10 in 2 I can probably do. But you know what? I’m gonna go get the dress altered to fit me NOW, so come hell or high water I’ll be fine on my wedding day. And if I lose those 10 lb, it’s not like the dress will be falling off or anything.

I yearn to go back to the time when I was content losing 2-3 lb per month. I was slow, but I was ultimately successful. This hurry up and lose crap wrecks my psyche and I get so hard on myself. The scale obsession gets to me. So no weighing for me for a while. I mean, it got to the point where I didn’t want to exercise because the water or muscle gain would read as a gain on the scale….. Didn’t want to see that gain so I didn’t want to exercise. Talk about counter-intuitive/illogical.

I’ve been off-plan for about a week, though for half of that week I really didn’t eat poorly. Not going to see what scale damage I did, because it doesn’t matter. Most important thing for me to do is to re-start healthy eating and get back to a point where I feel good about how I am treating myself.

And hope to GOD some seamstress can work magic on my dress and fix the problem (that isn’t even my gd fault - GAH).

23 Aug, 2011

The next challenge

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Man I hate hurricane season.

23 Aug, 2011

Graph of Doom/It’s getting to me

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

I sure am getting good at planning my meals to ensure I have adequate food to cope with events. The girl’s night, all-day adoption events, dinner at a friend’s, and now 6 hours of class… All handled with precision. Way to plan, me.

But I admit. I’m getting a little discouraged. What good is it doing me if I’m just going to see the same weight on the scale for 10 days at a time, then drop 1.5 lb, then stick again? I don’t like this pattern. Yes, it gives me overall weight loss. It would average 4.5 per month, which is about a pound a week. Totally reasonable right? It wouldn’t be a damn problem if I had started losing weight back a few months ago like I was supposed to. And now I’m stuck on a deadline. Kind of effed myself over on that one. After the wedding, bring on the 1 lb/week weight loss. Until then, I have to fit in my dress!!

Sigh.

Of course part of my problem here is I don’t actually know what it will take to get into the dress. I’m aiming for the low 180s… Which might be overkill. But based on the way it fits I am desperate to lose as much as possible. But you know, 8 or 10 lb is actually quite a lot of weight, and could make a ton of difference. I’m stressing myself out over an unknown!

I’ve lose my ability to just calmly say “I’m doing what I can, my body will catch up.” Now when I say it I feel like a liar. I know it’s true but I can’t accept it. I want to believe my body is different and my body is mean and is holding on to this weight out of spite. I mean, I’m so desperate to lose scale weight that I’m even afraid to exercise lest it make me hold water and show a scale gain. As if that weight matters. I know it doesn’t. But this is where my brain is at right now.

Here is my updated, sad little weight loss graph:

GAH

21 Aug, 2011

Hey look, I need a belt

Posted by: abluvion In: Uncategorized

Sure it’s only 7ish pounds. But it’s enough to make some progress!

It feels like a bigger gap than it looks like here. More impressive from the front but in order to take that pic I’d have to show you all my underwear. I think a bit of a bra shot is personal enough, hmm?