The holidays are over and life is getting back to normal. My daughter came down from college and my son flew in from the Navy for a late Christmas. It was really good to see them and I was so glad they were here. The bad part was that we had to put my beautiful dog Buddy down the day we were having our “Christmas” dinner. My husband and I tried to not to have to do that, but it came down to the fact that specialist and surgery and such was going to be over $3000, money we just didn’t have with our big medical bills, my husband in and out of work, etc. In a way, it was a good thing that it happened while my kids were down, because it gave them the opportunity to be tjhe ones that helped be strong for da mamma, rather than the other way around.
Anyway, the holidays were good and I loved having my kids down here! The only down side was that I wasn’t able to play my WII games as much as I would have liked. However, since I was baking and cooking most of the time, it did give me an opportunity to dance and clean and every once in awhile, my kids would join me in our small kitchen and dance with me. Fun!
I am slowly but surely getting the idea that I too am worthy of things. I am still trying to go through some family issues from the past, but it is a work in progress. I have been going back through some journals and writings for the past several months and I realized that when I went to see my daughter in October was actually a major wall/roadblock for my diet and exercise plan. As I often do, I had stopped at this small campground to write and journal. The place strongly reminds me of where I grew up and I have been able to work my way through several issues from childhood and adulthood here. This time, however, I felt my mother’s criticism of me all over again. Again, I felt as though I would never measure up, that I wasn’t good enough, I could never change and be healthy again - not just physically, but emotionally, spiritiually, any way. It was so painful that I just shut down and didn’t even realize it.
Thank God I reread my journals once a quarter, otherwise I would have missed this. Once I did, I could accept I AM NOT MY MOTHER and although we share many of the same difficulties, I am walking a different path. I have started a “bag of Joy” that includes successes, inspiration, great days, good moments, etc. My goal is to fill the bag before Dec 31st and then reread them to show myself I have been a success not just once, but often. Already, this idea has been helping me deal with my dog dying, my kids going back to their homes, etc. I am beginning to realize that I, too, am someone important and I can be a success!
Filed under: doubts and fears on January 6th, 2013