2 steps forward and 1 mile back

I’ve been here before. It’s not a new place, just a place I am visiting again. I do so well, almost get to my 10 pounds and then WHAM! I am back to gaining weight again and going back to my bad habits. I can’t even figure out what it is that triggers my crumbling and then it goes crazy again. I have enough diet books and self help books to build a bridge, but somehow I just can’t figure out what needs to happen.

One of the people I work with has lost 45 pounds in 6 months. I used to really like her, but now every time she sees me eating something bad, she tells me I won’t lose weight that way. It jsut makes me want to smack her. Hello? I know this – I don’t need you to tell me what I should and shouldn’t be eating. I know I look 8 months pregnant. I know I am making bad choices. I’m not stupid, I just can’t make this work for me.

I am stressed about things much of the time. Money, how to help my daughter, my work and all the lovely stress that goies on there. They are cutting hours – again! Dealing with mean hateful customers every hour of every day, standing between the deli and McD’s every day, standing on a concrete floor that makes my legs ache no matter what kind of shoes I wear, prolbems with my marriage, hating weekends because I never get to do anything I want to do – even something as easy as watching a movie and then taking a nap on the couch becausee my husband is a tv aloholic.

Add this to the fact that I know even IF I lose the weight and look great, I will still need to have major dental work done- something I won’t ever be able to affor, even if I am able to deal with all the pain involved in getting me fixed up pretty. Throw in some serioius issues from childhood and adulthood and mix it all up.

I just can’t figure this out. Maybe I’m not as smart as I used to think I was. Maybe I am just lazy and don’t want to work hard enough to make this work. I just know that I can’t find a way to make this work. I’ve tried a bunch of diets, a bunch of suggestions, and a bunch of ways to motivate myself. Nothing seems to work and I am tired of trying, yet my alternative is continue to get sicker and unhealthier.

Maybe this is just depression. Maybe it is just stress. I just know I am so tired of trying and failing that I am just about ready to just stop trying.

Thanks for listening. Tomorrow will be a better day!

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