This past month has been one trying to get my life in order, organized and goal oriented to find happiness and healthiness. Not saying it is working 100%, but at least I am trying. But the past 3 weeks have wreaked havoc on me mentally. Why? I can say this because of the internet…the anonymity..I thought I had a wart on “a lady part”. I went to see my doctor, he said yes it is and set up an apt for a gynecologist as he wasn’t set up to remove it.
Ok..3 weeks later..I have googled it till I drove myself into a frenzy…everything I read said you can not transmit a wart from a hand to a private area. Everything I read said HPV, an STD. The facts that 80% of sexually active people have this in one form or another wasn’t easing any of my angst or madness. You can not even begin to imagine the thoughts of, is S/O cheating/ Did he cheat/ who did I get it from/ did I pass it on? And of course, when I brought it up to s/o just reply, “it isn’t from me”. You can insert the smash in the face emoticon here, because I was so furious with him with that remark…I just said, “gee thanks, great to know it’s all my issue”. He apologized..but you can’t take back what it said. I told him regardless he was going to get tested as well. He agree’d.
3 stress filled weeks later…I have my clinic apt. The nurse brings me in and confirms, no you can’t get it from a hand wart and it would be an STD. I burst out crying ( for the zillionth time that day)..I think I made her uncomfortable, but she was a trooper… explaining it could be a virus in my body from over 10 years ago etc. It did not help..I get into the room and the next thing I know, another nurse if talking about a colopspy (sp). HUH?????? This wasn’t what Dr Y and I talked about..to be honest I am getting more stressed by the nano-second.
The Dr R comes in, with a female student. Oh great, not like I am embarrassed enough to begin with..he tried to alleviate the harshness and said he had another 5 to come in..I replied, oh no you don’t! Bad enough I am showing you 3 strangers my lady parts, I do not want to show others! *insert nervous laugh* He was joking.
Well, out come the infidelity questions etc. Am I sexually active, have I been sexually active with others than him, has he been active with others, cheating etc.. He did a pap with a microscope..(and had a HUGE flat screen monitor to show what he was doing.. I politely declined. While they are my lady parts, I dont need to see them…especially on a tv the size of times square! (ugh) ) washed everything with vinegar because it is supposed to show issues..whether lesions or warts etc..Bizarre. (I know, this whole post is t.m.i..but I have to let it out somewhere..)
After 5 minutes of checking, he asks me to show him where the wart is.. I can’t find it. 3 ppl cant find it. I have no other ones either!!!! He is using a microscope and can’t find it.. Heck, I couldn’t find it! Now I believe in God, I believe in the power of prayer, and I have been praying up a storm begging for healing, although I admit, I do not know why He would heal me, because I am certianly not the best person. When I couldn’t find it, I burst into tears bawling my head off with relief. Because I felt something last week there..
Doc R thinks it could have been a hair issue or whatever, but said I did not have any warts etc!. He did an HPV test regardless and I will get the results next month. But let me tell you, if I dodged this bullet, I will be more than thankful.
HPV can lead to cervical cancer….and today I feel so fortunate to have my mind back, reality to look at my goals again. I know this isnt something anywhere near the scare or other diseases, but this was my scare-my fear-my madness.
Please get yourselves checked if you think you may have HPV. Don’t let yourself go through that fear like I did.
“The most difficult thing I have ever had to do is follow the guidance I prayed for.”
Filed under: Uncategorized on February 25th, 2010