Gerber, Sawdust, & Doggie Biscuits - Life on IP

Ah, happy times!  Haha!  I’m officially right smack in the middle of my diet break and life is grand!  Yummy food, oh how I missed you!  Milk!  I don’t know how I went so long without you!  The un-diet life is really where the happy times are found!  LoL!

Not to say that I’m gorging on all kinds of horrible things.  I actually haven’t done too bad.  My son’s 1st birthday party was this past weekend and while I did have some carne asada tacos, I actually skipped the accompanying rice and beans.  Go me!  The bigger pat on the back should come when I say that I only had 2 beers the whole weekend.  During a regular party weekend I would have normally had about 6-8.  Remember, I’m Mexican.  This was a great show of restraint on my part!

The rule so far has been an old Mexican saying:  “Es probete, no artete.”  Basically it translates to:  “It’s a taste, not a stuffing.”  I am not denying myself things, I’m just having them in small quantities.  Where before I would have a bowl of ice cream, now I had about 1/2 a cup.  Before, a full glass of milk.  Now, about 6 oz.  In a decision that surprised even myself, I have continued to use the Splenda in my coffee instead of real sugar.  Go me again! 

So there ya have it!  I’m living the happy life and it’s great.  I decided last week that I’m not going to weigh in during my time off.  I want to just live and be happy, and I refuse to let the numbers on the scale scare me into feeling guilty.  I’m sure the numbers will be up somewhat when I restart IP in June, but that’s ok.  It’s something I’m fully prepared to face when it happens.  Until then I’m gonna have a smile on my face!  Next week is going to be super busy for me, since I’ll be setting up for my niece’s masquerade, so there’s a very good chance I won’t be posting an update.  But fear not!  I’ll be back the following week with IP 2.0.  Until then, stay awesome and keep up the good fight everyone!

Today I feel gross, and it makes me sad that I know the reason why.  This weekend I jumped into more or less a “regular” diet.  I ate what I wanted and for the first time in a loooong while I had some milk and worse, some soda.  I had some rice and some bread.  I had a couple slices of fruit.  I even had a damn chocolate chip cookie.  I enjoyed every single thing I ate, and today I can feel every single thing I ate.

Don’t misunderstand.  I’m not upset with myself for having eaten the stuff.  I always intended for May to be a mostly diet free month.  What makes me sad is that now I know for sure that it’s the foods I enjoy the most that always made me feel physically yucky.  Not fat, just yucky.  Lethargic.  Moody.  Dare I say…greasy?  Maybe greasy is the wrong word.

I’ve been sitting here at work all morning trying to describe it to myself, and the best I could come up with is “blah.”  I feel “blah.”  I asked myself, do I feel fat?  And after much thought, I decided “no”.  I honestly don’t feel fat.  Metaphorically speaking, I feel like a trash can.  I feel like the yummy things I ate are just sitting in my stomach and they’re not digesting.  I’m not saying I’m a gross trash can!  LoL!  I’m just saying metaphorically that’s the visual feeling I’m having.  Does that make sense?  Probably not.  It’s hard to explain.  I know this feeling is completely metabolic.  It’s science.  I ate unhealthy carbs, and my body still sucks at processing them.  I feel like I’m a step behind.  Ultimately, I guess I feel unhealthy.  And that is totally sad.  That let’s me know that no matter my size, any time I eat any amount of carbs above “minimal” I’m most likely gonna feel yucky.  I’d never noticed before starting IP how I always felt “blah.”  It was all I knew and that was my normal.  But now that I’ve done the low carb life for an extended stretch, going back to even an acceptable carb load feels gross.  Which brings me to my dilemma:

Are the carbs worth it?

Is the instant but momentary gratification I get from eating yummy tasting carbs worth the yucky feeling I’m bound to get stuck with the next day?  Since I’ve been on IP, I’ve felt deprived.  But I also felt really good.  And I’m talking strictly physically.  Physically I felt great.  Mentally I’ve been one giant clusterfuck of emotions, but physically I felt awesome.  I was still fat, but I felt great.  Now I’m seriously wondering if a happy medium is even possible for me.  On a strictly “mechanical” level, maybe my body just isn’t made to run well on certain things.  Kinda like a high maintenance car that can only run on the expensive premium fuel.  Maybe that’s me.  Maybe I’m destined to run on boring premium, when others get to run on yummy regular unleaded.  HA!  Will you listen to me!?!  First I was a trash can, now I’m a damn Ferrari!  LOL!

Normally I weigh in on Mondays, but today I just didn’t feel like it.  I think I’ll switch my day to Wednesdays.  Or maybe I’ll skip weigh in all together this week.  We’ll see.  Til then I’m just gonna have to think long and hard and decide.  Do I want to be a trash can or a Ferrari?  Decisions!  Decisions! 

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       268.2 lbs
• This week:       264.8 lbs
• Weekly loss:      -3.4 lbs
• Total loss:        -53.4 lbs

Down 3.4 lbs this week which was nice and surprising, all things considered.  I stuck mostly to protocol, though I skipped veggies here and there, because honestly, broccoli, zucchini, and cauliflower have gotten REEEAAAAALLLY boring.  There are other veggie options of course, but none that I keep stocked on the regular, so…I just went without.  Traded my IP snack for a yummier “regular” snack a couple of times, but nothing super horrible.  Just kinda horrible. 

Cheats aside, this week officially marked the end of Phase 1 since I’m heading into my pre-planned May diet break.  I’m now Phase 2, which doesn’t change much, except for replacing my IP lunch with more “real” protein.  So, an extra 8 oz of protein a day.  Big whoop.  When I’m finally allowed to eat some significant carbs, THEN I’ll be excited.  Til then, ho-hum!

I think I’ve pretty much decided that I’m going to loosely restart Phase 1 on May 20th.  I’m not gonna commit to it 100% because I’m going right back to regular food for my nieces’ masquerade on June 1st.  But, I will try to stick mainly to my IP stuff.  No sense in stuffing my face with carbs, when I can just as easily eat proteins instead.  We’ll see how it goes.

I’ll officially be restarting Phase 1 on June 3rd.  Wahhhhh!  Haha!  Pardon my depressive slip.  Phase 1.  Back to deprivation, withdrawals, cravings, and boringness!  Once I restart I’m gonna keep on it for as long as I can before I start to crack.  This first time around it took 3 months before I finally couldn’t take it.  With any luck my second go around will be just as long or maybe longer.  Who knows!  I’m not giving up though!  I’m just not gonna do it!  I’ve come too far to stop now!

Ooooh maaaaaan!  I came across a real doozy…

Lemon Tea Drink - There is no being kind to this drink.  Seriously, take a moment and imagine the smell of lemon scented Pledge Furniture Spray.  Can you smell it?  Now go back to your youth, when it was fun to try and catch soap bubbles with your tongue.  Have you got both of those things in your mind?  THAT is what this drink tastes like.  No lie.  The first thing that registers is the taste of Pledge.  It tastes like Pledge smells.  Then a couple of seconds later the tastes morphs into citrus dish soap.  Just like when you blew soap bubbles as a kid and accidentally got some in your mouth.  That’s how this drink finishes.  It was awful.  I tried.  Honest to goodness I tried to drink it.  To be objective and convince myself that I really wasn’t tasting what I knew I was tasting.  I only got in 4 sips before I gave up.  Epically gross.  *shutter*

Vanilla Drink (Ready-to-Serve) - This one is not bad.  It’s not the greatest, but it’s not bad.  It tastes like a typical vanilla protein shake with a slight diet taste.  Not horrible.  It definitely tastes best if it’s really cold.  I also enjoy it in my coffee.  Kinda like an IP version of a vanilla latte.

Peach & Mango Drink Mix - Not bad.  I don’t think it tastes very mango-y, or overly peachy for that matter, but it’s not bad.  It’s got a sweet & tart fruity taste, and that’s pretty much it.  Not sure whichfruit, but fruity.  LoL!

Strawberry Wafers - Wonderfulness in a square!  I love them!  They taste like a strawberry ice cream cone, just not cold (obviously).  The wafer also has a very thin layer of chocolate on it, so it’s like chocolate dipped strawberry ice cream cones…but not ice cream.  LoL!  Super yummy!

Mango Drink (ready-to-serve) - If you can get past the consistency of this one then I think it’s pretty yummy.  It’s super thick.  As I was drinking it I couldn’t help but compare the consistency to Elmer’s glue.  It’s so thick that it coats the inside of the bottle so that it kinda looks like bright yellow paint.  Again, super thick.  But the taste is yummy.  Mango drinks tend to run on the super sweet side, like over ripe mangoes.  This is the opposite.  It tastes more like mangoes just a spot out of under ripe, so it’s a little more tart…but still sweet enough.  That’s fine with me because I’ve never liked over ripe super sweet mangoes!  Personally I’m not bothered by the thick consistency, but I imagine if you add a little water it might work out fine.  I’m excited about blending it with some ice to make a smoothie.  I’m thinking that would be super yummy!

Vanilla Crispy Square - Another yummy one!  Think rice crispy treat.  It’s a pretty close imitation.  It’s not perfect because the vanilla drizzle does have a tiny diet taste, but it’s really unnoticeable in the grand scheme of things.  Yay for IP rice crispy treats!

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       268.2 lbs
• This week:       268.2 lbs
• Weekly loss:         -0 lbs
• Total loss:           -50 lbs

Well, I guess I’ve pretty much figured out how to maintain.  I had a great Tuesday - Friday.  The weekend was crap, but the rest of the week was great.  I did fine during the week, getting back on protocol.  Most of the craving struggle was gone after my small break, so those 4 days were pretty easy.  But then on the weekend it was my nephews 5th birthday party and so I had some teriyaki chicken and mac salad.  All weekend I ate pretty much all “regular” food.  It was yummy.

I could definitely have stayed on protocol, but I just thought “eh!”  When I started IP in January I made plans to go on a short break in May for my son’s first birthday.  May is just around the corner, and so I figured “why not?”  I started easing myself into break mode a little early.  I initially planned on phasing the second week of May, and for the most part I still plan on doing that, but going off protocol here and there isn’t gonna kill me.

So at this point I’m just maintaining my weight.  I’m officially starting phase 2 on May 6th, but maybe between then and now I’ll drop a couple more pounds.  That would be a nice little way to close the first stage of my IP journey.  I still haven’t decided how long I’ll stay on break.  My son’s birthday party is on May 18th, and I thought about restarting IP the week after that, but my niece is having a big masquerade ball for her 15th birthday on June 1st, so maybe I’ll wait to restart after that.  Decisions, decisions!  Maybe I’ll let Tristan’s birthday pass, then loosely restart IP afterwards until my nieces masquerade, then jump in 100% on June 3rd.  Who knows!  I can’t make up my mind yet.  I guess I’ll just take it a day at a time and see how I feel as I go.

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       268.2 lbs
• This week:       268.2 lbs
• Weekly loss:         -0 lbs
• Total loss:           -50 lbs

This week I hit the reset button on my diet.  I had to.  I think it’s the only way I was gonna be able to get back on track.  The last month has been really hard with the cravings and the lack of motivation, and I found myself failing my diet battles more often than I was willing to accept.  So, I took some time to sit back, think, and really ask myself, in that precise moment, what I wanted most.  My answer was simple.  I wanted NOT to feel deprived. 

I wanted to be able to have a moment where I didn’t have to think about what I wasn’teating.  I wanted to eat something and actually be excited about eating it.  I firmly believed that if I could just get rid of that sense of wanting and frustration, if I was able to satisfy the craving beast that’s been driving me crazy, then I would be able to move on.  And so, I did it.  I kinda sorta moved into a spot somewhere in between Phase 2 and Phase 3.  I had IP meals about half of the time.  The rest of the time I ate what I wanted.  I tried to stick to healthier options, but I didn’t run away from the carbs.  And it was wonderful.  Saturday we went to a Chinese buffet and I had some chow mien and fried rice.  It was small portions, but I had them.  I also had some teriyaki chicken.  For the first time in almost 4 months I actually enjoyed my food.  It was great.  When I came into the office yesterday and weighed in, I was happy to see that I hadn’t gained 5 million pounds as a result of my small diet break.  Even better, the thought of restarting the diet protocol suddenly didn’t make me as frustrated as I have been feeling the last month.  So, I determined that I would go out for my brother’s birthday dinner on Monday night and restart IP Tuesday.

Well, it’s Tuesday and I gotta say I feel pretty damn good.  I finally feel like I can do this again, and do it wholeheartedly, not half assed like I’ve been doing for the last 3 weeks.  I had my carb fix and now I’ve recharged for my next stretch of IP.  I definitely feel better about my weight loss journey today then I did last week.  And thank goodness for that because I was totally feeling like I was stuck in a downward spiral.  It’s a big relief to have found a solution to my struggles.  I’m thinking it might be a good idea to take a weekend break every 3 months or so, because no matter how much I may want to lose weight, any diet, even a successful one like IP can burn you out.  And sometimes you just need to stop, breathe, and reboot.

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       270.8 lbs
• This week:       268.2 lbs
• Weekly loss:      -2.6 lbs
• Total loss:           -50 lbs

This week I met 2 pretty big mini goals.  (Don’t judge me and my “big mini” oxymoron! LoL!)  The first mini goal is I finally reached 50 lbs lost!  I have officially met 1/3 of my weight loss goal!  Go me!  Go me!  The second mini goal is actually the weight I have left to go.  I now have less than 100 lbs to lose.  98.2 lbs to be exact.  Oh yeah!  It’s funny how much a single digit matters.  It’s a lot more encouraging to read that I only have 98 lbs to lose instead of 100, even though it’s only a 2 lb difference.  In my mind I can smile and say I’m now down to double digits instead of the ugly triples.  I never thought I’d see the day. 

Beyond the numbers, this week was so-so.  Mostly on protocol, but still struggling with sudden cravings and not wanting to cook, so I’ve found myself “cutting corners” I guess you could call it.  If my mom makes something that is close to being IP friendly then I’ve been eating it.  Key word “close”.  Her stuff usually has vegetable oil and light sauces that I’m not supposed to have.  *sigh*  I’ve just come to really resent the cooking!  I want to read and party plan and play with my little boy!  Not stand at a stove and waste time cooking the same boring foods!  Ugh!  So frustrating!  Then on Saturday my family and I went to UCLA for my nieces’ orientation and I don’t know if anyone knows this, but UCLA is an endless maze of hills and stairs!  By the time lunch rolled around I was exhausted and starving from all the cardio!  I just couldn’t hang.  I needed the energy that carbs provide, so for lunch I had a burrito.  It was a low fat “healthy” version of a burrito, but it was still a burrito.  I know.  Bad Bea.  I know I need to shake this cheat mentality off, but I’m having a hard time with it.  I’m struggling, and I’m not always succeeding, but I’m not giving up either.  I’m gonna keep fighting and see how it goes.  I’ll just have to deal with the ups and downs in my weight until I finally get this problem under control.  Not gonna let myself get discouraged, or beat myself up if sometimes I lose the battle.  I always remind myself that this is a loooong journey, but eventually I’ll get there, bumps and all.

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       275.2 lbs
• This week:       270.8 lbs
• Weekly loss:      -4.4 lbs
• Total loss:        -47.4 lbs

Back on track (mostly) this week and I’m down 4.4 lbs.  Those are the kind of numbers I like to see!  I swear the last few weeks it seems like my weight has been on a roller coaster with all the different fluctuations.  Bore!  Lately I’ve started wondering if I’m ever gonna crack 270 lbs.  Woof!

Oh well!  Gonna keep at it.  Still having trouble with the cravings since my cheat, and it didn’t help that my mom brought back all kinds of goodies from Mexico this past weekend.  I did allow myself one homemade tortilla and one cookie.  I know.  Bad Bea!  But these goodies are only available maybe once a year, so I couldn’t just NOT have a piece!  But that’s it!  One of each!  And as much at it kills me I haven’t gone back for more.  Super sad face.  You guys have no idea the level of yumminess we’re talking about here.  *sigh*

Another thing I’m struggling with is the cooking.  Man I’m tired of having to cook my own separate meals!  Especially when they’re way more boring then what everyone else is eating!  I swear it’s gotten to the point where I’m jealous of a plain ol’ turkey sandwich!  That’s tragic.  Yet another thing I have to get under control.  Blah!  It’s official.  Dieting sucks!

• Start Weight:   318.2 lbs
• Last week:       272.8 lbs
• This week:       275.2 lbs
• Weekly loss:      +2.4 lbs
• Total loss:           -43 lbs

Well, there you have it.  What does one weekend of cheating and getting yoinked out of ketosis cost?  2.4 lbs.  *sigh*  I suppose I expected the increase, but secretly I think I was hoping my body would be magical and still crank out a loss.  No such luck.  Oh well.  I was bad this past week too, so I’m pretty sure that had more to do with the increase then just last weekend alone.

This week was a stressful one and because I had so much going on, I couldn’t bring myself to fully commit to my diet again.  For the last month and a half I’ve been on a mission to turn my home into a cleaner, happier place.  Every weekend I’ve been doing major clean ups and purgings of almost everything.  I’ve been so focused on that that I’ve had a hard time even remembering to EAT, period, much less stick to specific foods.  But regardless I had done ok.  This last week I pretty much said “screw it” because I’m now in crunch time.  My mom is coming back from her vacation next weekend.

What does this have to do with anything you might ask?  Well…my mom is a hoarder.  So when she is home there is always piles of crap stuffed every where, and cleaning up and throwing out things is near impossible when she’s around.  So when she left to Mexico six weeks ago, I immediately went into action.  I’ve had my siblings help me out every weekend and slowly but surely we cleared out the mess.  Closets, kitchen cabinets, drawers, etc.  We purged them all.  Bags and bags of crap.  Gone.  Last weekend we finally finished scrubbing the kitchen from top to bottom, but even once it was clean I still wasn’t happy with it.  It was just too dark and gloomy!  What can you expect when it’s painted hunter green, right?  So I decided to paint it something more cheery.  The only problem?  I was now on my own.  My siblings and their families left to Mexico for spring break.  So, I had to find the time to primer, paint, and clean up the kitchen, all while looking after my 10 month old son at the same time.  Not easy.  It was a very slow process.

So with my kitchen completely upside down, there was just no time or way that I was gonna be able to worry about sticking to protocol.  I just wasn’t doing it.  I had enough on my plate.  So all this week my eating schedule was out of whack.  Work has been super busy so I was missing meal times during the day, and then at home I couldn’t get anything accomplished either.  Half the time I forgot to eat my IP packets.  And then for dinner I was eating whatever was easy.  I tried staying away from the carb stuff, but I wasn’t always successful.  On Saturday my sister-in-law made a cambodian noodle dish that has beef and shrimp and veggies mixed in.  I ate that, noodles and all.  Yesterday I was up to my elbows in paint, so after starting my day with an IP packet at noon, I didn’t have anything for the rest of the day until about 8:30pm when my husband bought me some tacos.  I was bad.

Today I’m feeling awful because my body wasn’t used to the carb heavy food and so now I feel sluggish.  Add some bloating and cramping on top of that and you can pretty much say I’m screwed.  Considering the week I just had, going up 2.4 lbs is pretty damn lucky.  It could have been a lot worse.  My mom gets back on Saturday and I’m still not done with the paint and clean up, not to mention that we’re totally understaffed at work because all but 2 of us went on vacation, so who knows how this coming week is going to turn out.  I’m hoping that I can at least get my house done enough so that I can take a minute and actually concentrate on me again.  I have got to get back on point.  Back on rhythm.  Boy this sucks.

And when my mom walks in on Saturday and doesn’t recognize her home and discovers I threw out about 75% of her crap…that’s gonna be an explosion like no other… *sigh*

• Start Weight:  318.2 lbs
• Last week:      274.2 lbs
• This week:      272.8 lbs
• Weekly loss:     -1.4 lbs
• Total loss:      -45.4 lbs

This weekend, I cheated.  No, it wasn’t a full blown fettuccine-alfredo-with-garlic-bread-and-wine kind of cheat, but it was still a cheat.  And no, I did not lose an epic craving battle against myself.  I calmly made the decision to cheat.  I wasn’t overwhelmed with sights and smells that I just couldn’t deny.  I’ve been fighting those things for almost 3 months, so I’ve gotten pretty good at turning away.  I cheated because the circumstances that presented themselves were just too big and important for me to be willing to curb my participation and enjoyment.  So, I took in the situation, asked myself if it was worth a cheat, and ultimately came back with a “HELL YES!”

So what was important enough that caused me to semi set my diet aside?  The fact that my baby girl Briana (who a wrote about a few weeks back) got her acceptance letter to UCLA!  WOOHOO!!  Can you believe it!  I was stoked when she got accepted to UC Riverside last month, but we were still waiting on that elusive notification from UCLA.  And on Friday, she got it!  I cried I was so happy and proud of her!  UCLA was her dream choice, but their acceptances are no easy thing to obtain, so the whole family had been waiting with our fingers crossed.  Once we knew she had been accepted, the whole weekend immediately turned into a celebration!  Then on top of Briana’s great news we were also celebrating my brothers birthday, so that pretty much decided it.  I refused to limit my participation in the festivities.  I wanted my niece to know that she was number one.  Celebrating with her was more important then sticking to my diet for a couple of days.  I wasn’t gonna be the one hiding in the bedroom to stay away from the BBQ temptation, or the one staying home to avoid the restaurant temptations.  I was going to participate just like everyone else.  And I did.  My meals may have been more protein than carb heavy, but I didn’t hide from the carbs completely, either.

So how bad was my cheat?  Well on Saturday we had my brothers birthday BBQ, so I had my allowed IP breakfast, and the rest of my day I had regular food.  I had a bun-less green pepper wrapped cheese burger for lunch.  Yes, CHEESE.  And I also had 5 potato chips and one tablespoon of refried beans.  For dinner I had a BBQ Ribeye steak and I allowed myself 2 bites of my brothers birthday cake.

Sunday I went a little more back on protocol.  I had an IP breakfast and lunch, but for dinner we went out to TGI Fridays and I got a 10 oz steak and grilled shrimp.  I also had my dinner salad with about a teaspoon of regular ranch dressing.  And that was it.  That was the extent of my cheat.  I don’t think it was horrible.  It definitely could have been a whole lot worse.  But, nevertheless, I did cheat and who knows!  Maybe those forbidden carbs are the reason I’m in such a great mood today!  LoL!

But that was that.  The weekend is over and it’s back to diet business as usual.  I’m down another 1.4 lbs this week, which isn’t great, but considering the two previous weeks were pretty awesome, 1.4 lbs is okay with me.  I’m pretty sure after this weekend I’m out of ketosis, so I’m really interested to see what my numbers are gonna look like next week.  My only hope is that I don’t go through that awful starvation period again like I did when I first started IP.  Back then it took my body a good two weeks before it finally accepted that the carbs were gone.  I had years of constant carb abuse that I had to train my body to forget and that was pretty tough.  This time it’s only a mild weekend.  With any luck I’ll do okay.  But if I don’t, then oh well.  Celebrating my little girls’ achievement to the fullest is worth a little extra suffering.