So I have been MIA for a while…Romance does that to a person… haha.

I have been off in “La La” land….not feeling grounded….not taking responsibility… in essence…i have been in a dream…However, the last couple weeks I have been feeling irritable. I know I have been gaining weight because I know that I havent exercised at all and I have been eating HORRIBLE food…and I feel bloated and my acne is acting up…… So, I have been avoiding the scale because I knew this and I didnt want to face it. I didnt want to step out of the dream just yet and get hit in the face with reality.

But I pushed it long enough…The denial is over. Today, I stepped on the scale…read the horrible little screen to come to find that I had only gained approx. 6 pounds in the last 3 months. This actually made me feel a little happy. I felt surprised, because I honestly felt like I had gained a lot more weight.

Not working out and not eating right for 3 months has left me feeling fatter than I even am.

And Honestly, I think there is something to be said in that. There is something, that isn’t measured by weight, that effects you when you aren’t treating your body right. I think eating healthy and exercising gives you energy, your stress is down, you feel stronger..more capable..endorphins are peaked and you overall just feel happy.

This actually has motivated me more than if I had faced the scale with a larger number. This has made something click for me. The weight-loss isnt what makes me happy. It’s the lifestyle change. I am more rewarded by feeling good and meeting a goal and feeling a sense of accomplishment, than I am with losing the actual weight. Losing the weight, if anything, is just a bonus. Weight gain vs weight loss does not dictate my happiness. Treating myself well does; and that includes eating well, making healthy choices, staying active, going outside…treating myself….soul and body…the way I deserve to be treated.

I am very excited to get going again…I am excited to feel like I am in control of my happiness.

Well… It has been a while since I have wrote anything on this blog…..

Of course the holidays and then my month long trip traveling around central america was distracting haha.

I have been back a month though. A month of not exercising, not eating right, and therefore I have gained weight.

Surprisingly enough, I lost a little weight while vacationing- even while I was on the cruise!

I got down to 232lbs….which is 56 pounds lost since I began this life changing lifestyle….

Now, I am up to 242lbs…which while a major bummer….I know I am accountable…I know why I have gained the weight and I know it is my doing and therefore within my power to undo.

A week ago, I realized this and started working out and changing my eating habits for the better….2 days into this change I developed strep throat….broke my credit card….dropped my phone in water…and developed a ….TMI but….a yeast infection… due to the antibiotic I am taking for the strep….yes, it has been an interesting week….

So, once again  I am off my diet/exercise plan…you try exercising when you have a yeast infection and strep! that is wayyy uncomfortable haha.

Furthermore, I started dating a new guy. *wink*

I adore him, but he likes to eat a lot of crap. He likes chinese food and ice cream and pizza….

This has been interesting because when I started this lifestyle change back in august I was dating someone who changed his eating with me…and then we broke up…and then I was on my own for a while- which worked out great eating wise haha.

But how do I explain to a new person I am dating, that I can’t go to a chinese food restaurant…and hey, why dont we cook some bok choy and stir fry something?

He loves my body and thinks I’m sexy as hell….but I am not fine with it yet… I want to be at a healthy weight… I want to feel good about it…..So I need to do this for me, despite how he feels.

But how do I influence a guy to eat some of the things I do? Or to be a little more conscious of where we go to eat so I have a healthy choice?

ahhhhh life.

The winds started today. Subtle. Slowly gaining strength with each minute. Dead leaves and brush dance with the unpredicted gusts like a desert snow. I love this time of year. The new chill in the air brings relief to the humid warmth of summer. The wind is natures way of saying, change is coming.

So many events come with the winter season. Thanksgiving will be here in a blink. Turning 25 in december, a milestone in my adulthood. Christmas. The New Year. A grand trip to South America I am taking in January.

However, those events are not the ones that I think of when I feel the wind.

I feel a change in myself coming. A new ‘me’ on the horizon. When the winter is over, I will be a new person with a new body and a new sense of self.

The wind isn’t necessarily comforting. Winter has so many metaphors. The darkness and cold. This season will be the most challenging season during my weight loss. With winter comes many obstacles. I am coming up on completing my second month on this diet and exercise regime. Now comes the boredom of eating the same things, plateaus, all the frustrations of prolonged change. This season will be one in which my strength is tested.

However, I know the wind will leave as quickly and gracefully as it came. The bare trees will sprout new life. Lady bugs will fill the air, along with butterflies and bees. All symbols of new life; spring. After winter comes a re-birth. A new beginning. If i stay on the same track, I will be down more than 100 pounds in spring. I will have gone through, not only the physical torments of losing a substantial amount of weight, but the mental torments and weight as well.

I know I will feel lighter both in mind and body. I will feel healthier; happier. The pain of this winter season will be hard, but the promise of spring brings new hope. This spring will be the first of my new life.

So as I sit on my porch, feeling the wind against my face, I can’t help but say to myself, ‘bring it on’.

I can’t even describe how good it feels to have hit my 20 pound weight loss goal!

20 pounds in 35 days. Wow. I am so unbelievably proud of myself.

I know I have a long way to go. . . But it’s these little goals that keep me going.

I am picking up my degree from the framers today. I can’t wait to hang my degree on my wall. My degree took me 6 years to achieve. 2 years past the typical 4 year college mark. To me, obtaining my degree is inspiring. It is something I accomplished through hard work and persistence, despite all the set backs. It is a reminder that even though there may be bumps in the road- I can do it.

Just like getting my degree, I can achieve this weight loss.

It requires the same formula: A lot of hard work and persistence, despite the bumps in the road.

This weight loss will be my next big accomplishment. I can’t wait.    :)

I am up a couple pounds even though I have been exercising and dieting.

I am also premenstrual. And of course I am probably holding onto some water weight because of that.

But it’s discouraging.

You work out hard. Thinking you are sweating your fat away, and you end up gaining weight.

This gain along with the pms causing irritability, acne, and salt cravings is not a good mix and is causing stress.

This is the only time in my life that I am wanting my period to come early, to happen and be over with as soon as possible.

damn these womanly issues.

It’s hard for me to say that one of the main reasons I gain and lose weight is to impress or piss-off my family. But it’s true. This is one of the main reasons I am in therapy- to learn what keeps me doing this for myself. And only myself.

Growing up, I matured a lot faster than kids my own age. Getting my period at age 9 and developing physically much sooner than everyone else. Hitting puberty early, caused a growth spirt, which in turn made me gain a little weight. Which is typical of kids going through puberty. However, it didn’t “look” like it was normal to everyone else, because I was the only one going through it. This made me feel like an outcast, even though I wasn’t more than 15-20 pounds overweight.

Weight gain in my family is common. Everyone in my immediate and extended  family has problems with keeping their weight off.  No one is skinny. We are all very opinionated, tall, loud, people who love to drink and be social. The problems my mother gives me regarding my appearance, comes from her mother. My grandmother is very critical of appearance. When I was a kid, i couldn’t act like a kid in her presence. She was nervous of her high socialite crowd judging her, so she constantly would snap at you for not standing up straight because it makes me look fat, or for falling down, or for not wiping your nose the right way because its not lady-like. So those fears of being judged by others based on how your children look and act were instilled in my mother.

When I was a tween, she made me feel I was 300 pounds, when I was only maybe at most 40 pounds over weight. Instilling fears of being judged in me didnt help me. I became very depressed and anti-social. I became increasingly paranoid. It wasnt until about 4 years ago that I Learned that I suffer from a severe anxiety disorder and depression. Back then, I just felt afraid and sad and abnormal. Interestingly enough, I was never made fun of in school. I went to a private christian school until 8th grade and then I went to a public high school. Never was I made fun of because of my weight or my appearance or looks. All my insecurities and fears stemmed only from my family. And it crippled me. At 12, my father bought me hydroxycut pills without me asking for them. Looking back on that, I cant believe he would purchase such dangerous pills for me (it wasnt even legal for me to buy them. only 18yrs old and over). But it is just another example of how my family were willing to go to extremes to get me to lose weight. I remember being slapped on my wrist by my father (literally) at my little brothers graduation dinner, because I decided I would go to the salad bar. He said I should be watching what I eat. I was 21 years old when this happened. My mother tells me all the time that she thinks that i think I am thinner than I am. Like what the hell is that supposed to mean? That I come off like I have the confidence of a thin person when I am in actuality fat? And if so, what’s wrong with that? My grandfather wanted to buy me a weight watchers membership as a present for finally obtaining my undergraduate degree. Last thanksgiving he approached me asking if I had a thyroid problem (Which I don’t) And he is not thin at all mind you. He has a HUGE pot belly and a double chin.

Sorry I am just venting my frustrations.

I love my family. But feeling accepted by them is hard. They don’t approve of my degree of choice, nor my body/appearance. I want to go over to their house and visit and have dinner, but when your family loves to point out negative things about your life, it feels more like taking a beating than a friendly visit.

My family will be one of my biggest obstacles, but I am working on letting go of needing their approval and finding the approval and desires I have within.

I know it’s hard when you are dieting to figure out new ways to eat that piece of chicken/fish for the 100th time. So I thought I would share one of my favorite sauce recipes.

Now, if you dont like garlic, ginger, or spicy things- don’t bother with this one.

Ingredients:

-1tsp olive oil

-1 large Jalepeno.

-3 garlic cloves (I sometimes use more because I LOVE IT)

-Fresh Ginger (yes that weird root thing in the grocery store)

-2 large roma/plum tomatoes (Diced)

- 2 tbsp LIGHT soy sauce.

-1 packet of your choice of sugars (i use splenda).

Chop the Garlic, Ginger, And Jalepeno so that the chopped piles of each are roughly equal portions.

Place skillet on medium heat.

Add olive oil. Wait until oil is hot before adding garlic, jalepeno, ginger.

Fry for 1-2 minutes until fragrant.

Next, add the diced tomatoes.

Lastly, add soy/sugar.

Cook sauce down for approx. 5-6 minutes.

Sauce should be chunky and light, not soft and mushy.

This Sauce is Great with Chicken/Fish(like Tilapia).

Sometimes, I will pour the sauce over some raw tilapia, cover with foil, and bake it in the oven @ 400 degrees for approx. 25-30 minutes (or until fish is flaky).

This is Seriously the best sauce, that even my non-dieting boyfriend LOVES.

But watch out for the spicy kick.

I know I didn’t mention it before, but I was stuck at 270.2 for approx. 5 days. It was amazing, because all of my energy in each work out this week went toward that stubborn pound, instead of my usual mantras that were about my big vacation coming up, etc.

So I learned the power of being mentally driven this week.

Also, because I was plateauing- I was trying to find out why. I am not a morning person. In fact, I feel like I have the morning and night habits of a 16 year old. I can’t seem to fall asleep before 1am-3am, and, if I let myself, I will sleep-in until noon. So I started getting my sleeping on track, and therefore my eating on track. Eating breakfast at 8:30am is much more normal for your body than eating breakfast at 11:30am.

Long story short, I think as weird as it sounds, I wasn’t eating enough calories.

When I would get up at noonish, I still was following my plan and only eating every 2 1/2- 3 hours. SO the earlier I get up, the more food I consume, and therefore the more calories. When I would get up at noon, I was depriving myself of those calories I would have normally consumed in the morning. Also I was eating the majority of my carbs/calories in the afternoon/evening.

So now, before 3pm I eat things that are higher in carb, and after 3pm I eat things lower in carb but higher in calories.

I did this two full days- and I dropped .4 pounds and broke the plateau.

Our bodies are really amazingly sensitive.

Hmm…. good to know

So… I weighed myself again this morning and nada. Not even .1 of a pound difference.

I’m not crazy- i don’t expect to lose one pound a day…but I would like to be losing between .2-.6 of a pound daily.

I am doing everything right in terms of diet and exercise. Plateaus can be so so so Frustrating!!!

On a positive note, I haven’t Gained any weight and in total have lost 18 pounds….

But I gotta kick this plateau. Today I am going to do a second protein day to see if that jump starts me, and tomorrow I will follow Lindora’s plateau diet if it’s still the same.

I am going to continue to FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT the scale! Your body will fight you the WHOLE way, don’t Let it WIN!.