30 Pounds Lost

It feels kind of surreal to be at my 55 day mark with 30 pounds of weight lost. It’s strange because the last time I did this I started september 15 and this year I started september 10… so it feels almost like deja vu. Living the same stuff over again. I can’t wait to get down to 238. That was the weight I was when I met the love of my life. And it took two years, but I put the weight back on. I focused on love and indulging in wine and going out instead of eating right and exercising. What’s great is he is 100% supportive. He even does workout videos with me, goes hiking with me, and doesn’t keep bad food in the house. We both are looking at this as a good life style change. We want to get married and have a family and we want to be an active healthy couple. So I have no excuse. I have a lot of loving support and the motivation. It’s just hard to live the same weight loss journey over again at the same time only 2 years later. It’s kind of discouraging. I believe though that when I get down to that 238, I will feel motivated again….and I will only be 40 pounds from the 100’s. Oh to be under 200! I haven’t been under 200 since I was in high school. Onderland is truly a motivation. I have started and stopped dieting so many times. I can’t wait to finally hit my goal. The one I keep writing down over and over again…but giving up to soon to reach it. Talk about surreal. I just need to reach it this time. I need to do it. I need to know that I can and I need to know what it feels like. It’s going to be amazing. :)

Evil Plateau.

This plateau is evil evil evil.

And it is so mentally exhausting to be throwing yourself into working out…upping the minutes, upping variety, analyzing the calorie intake….and nothing.

I AM SO FRUSTRATED.

I admit, I am kind of OCD so not being able to control this is like torture. Also, Trust me, I am not a crazy dieter, I don’t expect to lose “Biggest Loser” numbers….but to lose nothing!?…not even a .1 of a pound in over a week?! Why why why.

It’s hard to stay motivated when there isn’t a budge in the scale despite all the hard work I am putting in.

Anyway. Just venting.

AHHHHHHHH.

The end.

Starting Over.

I really don’t know how to begin this post except to say that I am once again starting over.

I know I am not the only one out there that believes yo-yo dieting sucks. I have been actively gaining and losing weight since I was in the 7th grade. The hardest part is still deciding to do it. You have already failed. More than once. Probably have even gained MORE weight back, and yet, you still make the choice. Every day is a choice. To get out of bed, to eat breakfast, to stay positive. We are in total control of our lives. We really are. I know there are days, weeks, months, and even years where it feels like the only choice is the negative road. Still there comes a day, when you make a different choice. The choice of happiness. I am choosing to be happy. I am choosing to live a longer, healthier life. I am choosing me.

The road coming is not easy. I actually started this process september 10, 2013. There is a huge difference between the last million times I have dieted and now. And the truth is I have stopped fighting the process. I used to be hyper focused on the goal at hand. I wouldn’t deal with the emotional/mental side of my weight loss journey. I thought I was strong and that I could deal with it later. All that mattered was that I lost the weight. But when I did lose it, I still felt empty and unsatisfied with my accomplishment. It feels as though the last month I have been crying every other day. I’ve been a wreck. I have never been this emotional in my life! I don’t like to cry or be vulnerable. The truth is, my whole life I have identified myself as the fat girl. Now that I have made up my mind that that is not who i want to be- it’s hard to find my new identity. I feel like this process is a re-birth. The person I am meant to be is being born with each work out, each hard cry, each pound lost. And while that is a beautiful amazing thing, I am mourning the loss of my old self. The person who has comforted me and saw me through countless panic attacks, bouts of depression, and social anxiety. Sometimes it’s hard to be without that crutch. I am literally having to find out what I want, Who I am, what I want to do with my life, and how to handle it all.

Every day is hard, but every day I get up and work out- it’s worth it. There are good days in which I have so much energy, my head is positive, and life is smiling on me. And those are the days that get me through the ones that I feel hopeless, fatigued, frustrated, and angry. Because before I started getting healthy, I never had good days like those. never. And my hope is,that eventually, along this long road of mine, those bad days will become wider apart. And it won’t be such a struggle, because my life is 99% happy with the occasional bad day.

Losing weight is a lonely process and I am so happy to have this site to go to to find support and love during this journey.